4 year old accidentally hurting baby

[ClammedupClam]

I have a 4 yo DD, and an 8 month DS. DS is just starting to get really mobile - crawling/sitting/pulling up. DD adores him, but the issue I have is that she's always accidentally hurting him, usually by knocking him over when she's playing. She is generally a bit of a clumsy child, but normally it's not an issue. Although she does hurt herself a lot from walking into stuff, falling off stuff etc. I think the main issue is she is always away with the fairies, never really thinking about what she's doing.

I obviously try to anticipate problems and intervene, but can't always stop it happening. I have talked to her about the importance of being careful with the baby, and she's always really upset she's hurt him and apologises, but it doesn't stop it happening.

If she has got way too over excited and boisterous when it happens I'll get her to take a few minutes "quiet time" to sit and calm down, but usually she isn't being particularly over excited, just careless.

I don't really want to make too much of a bit deal over it as she really doesn't mean to. She is so good with him, plays with him beautifully and is so patient. I don't want to start giving her negative associations with the baby if I am constantly telling her off for something she doesn't mean to do. But equally I don't want her thinking it's OK to keep hurting someone due to carelessness - she quite often looks at me and says "it was an accident", as if that then makes it completely fine. And obviously I feel bad for the baby he keeps getting hurt.

Any ideas on how to handle this?

Ahh that’s hard. What kind of thing is happening and how often?

apart from supervising more, not much else you can do. he will be more stable and less wobbly soon enough and you say its just clumsiness and not deliberate

It sad that you are writing her off as careless at such a young age and quite damaging to her self esteem. If she is genuinely appearing clumsy on a regular basis you need to be helping her to work on her body awareness and coordination.

I don't call her careless to her face - it was just the best word to use on here to describe that it's not malicious or even being overly boisterous. To be honest, when she's concentrating her coordination is OK. The biggest issue seems to be that she is very imaginative, and is constantly in some kind of pretend world, and she sort of forgets about the reality around her! But if you have any tips to help with her body awareness then I would be happy to hear them.

@LizzieSiddal - it's mostly that she just walks too near him and knocks him over usually when she's involved in a game. Or yesterday he had pulled up on a soft foot stool we have. There happened to be a colouring book on the stool and his hand was on it. She wanted her colouring book so grabbed it out from under his hand which unbalanced him and he fell back. Luckily I was behind him and just caught him that time. Or a last example would be we were in her room and I was putting her laundry away. She was sat on her bed playing with toys and he was sat on the floor nearby. She got off the bed suddenly (I think it was part of her game) and sort of landed on him. It probably happens once or twice a day, more sometimes.

I think everything is being exasperated by being in the house so much of the time so close together. If we could go to softplay or playgroups and she could run around there I'm sure it would be much less of a problem. She's such a good girl, and I don't want her upset by it. But I don't like the baby being hurt either.

You’re right, it’s the fact you’re stuck in the house makes it all worse.

What about each time she hurts him, ask her to cuddle him and explain exactly what she did and that it was an accident. Vocalising her movements may make her really think about how she moves and how it may affect him.
Also give her very exact examples. Don’t say “be careful near him” because that won’t mean anything. Say things along the lines of “he is still learning to stand up and needs his hands so if you move one of them he may fall over.”

And I really don’t think she’s very different to most four year olds. I had a three year gap and Dd was always accidentally bumping into her baby sister.

We had a lot of that, similar ages. Saying be careful doesn't help our girl. Saying 'do you know where your arms and legs are?' or 'do you know where your brother's arms and legs are?' works better.
We also spent a lot of time helping her work through the difference between accidents that she could prevent, and accidents that she couldn't prevent.
Now she's 5 and he's almost 2, it's much easier

actually one other thing that really did help and still does is that we have a playpen but it's her space to go in to not his.
It sounds a bit weird but giving her what we call a safe space where she has a place where she doesn't have to be careful of her brother has really helped.

This is a stage that will pass. Mine are 2years apart and the older couldn't be left alone with his brother at all. I had to take the baby with me everywhere because he would deliberately smack him or just fall over him.
They are best of friends now except for the occasional squabble. In fact my now 4yo is more handsy than his 6yo brother at the moment.

Just keep pointing out how well she did with playing with her brother. Reinforce the sibling bond.

Has your DD had a eyesight test? Maybe her ‘clumsiness’ is due to not being able to see properly? Worth getting a check?