Going back to work after having baby

[Gwenpool]

So I’m currently expecting and I’m so happy! However an issue for me is that my partner doesn’t have the most reliable, secure job. He has part time hours so not a great salary.

I on the other hand have a full time contract in a management position. Due to gender roles I assumed - I’ll end up going back to work part time and he will have to get a better full time job.. but now I’m thinking.. what if he keeps his part time job that can probably work around my full time job and I go back to work full time whilst he stays at home with baby?

Is this unrealistic? Because I am a women I feel guilty, I feel like I wouldn’t be able to cope with a full time job and a baby.. but if he was the main care taker then maybe it would be okay? I don’t know.. any advice would be much appreciated!

He doesn’t seem to be that motivated about getting a proper job which is why I’m now feeling helpless and thinking I shouldn’t give mine up.

There are lots of women working full time with their DH also working full time

Why do you feel guilty? Honest question - there is a lot of taking on of guilt by women for no apparent reason

My DSis works full time, her DH looks after the DC and all are happy

Figure out what you want to do and ignore the rest of it

You have stable well paid job,he doesn’t. He can stay home,you return to work full time
Only social norms & convention dictate women must give up things
Don’t let anyone waylay your with psychobabble guff about women being more attached,emotional or bonded to baby
Plan your mat leave that you return FT and do KIT days and maintain cpd

There was never any queation about me going back to work full time, my dp also works full time.

If you are not married do not give up your job or reduce your earnings!

That's what we do. My DH works Saturdays and the occasional week night. I work full time and that was always the plan as I out earn him by a considerable margin.

I loved going back to work. I do feel guilty, but I also love being at work. Its a real conundrum!

I genuinely have never had a dot of mum guilt or regret returning FT to work.

I would keep your options open for now. I know it is completely accepted now that the dad would be the primary carer and the mum the main bread winner - and why wouldn't it, if it works for that family. But in my case I was just much more affected by becoming a parent than my partner, in a way I just care much more. I just would not have wanted to go back to work FT or too early on. I was very glad to be in the primary carer role myself and would have been so jealous if my partner was.

(And just to be clear I was very career driven before DC arrived. I didn't predict I would feel like this at all.)

Due to gender roles I assumed - I’ll end up going back to work part time and he will have to get a better full time job..

Eh?! This statement is just ridiculous

More than 1/3 of women earn more than their partners. You can just as easily go back to work in your management position and your partner stay part time. 🤷‍♀️🤔

I make lots more money than DH, he works 3 days a week. DD is in nursery those days, and they hang out the other two. It's excellent.

This is mental. I went back to work full time after a year of mat leave with DC1. I earn much more than DH and also love my job. I did take the full year though because I wanted that time with my baby, and breastfed for that time too. DH is self employed and went part time after I returned to work - 3 days per week. I’m on mat leave with baby 2 and will do the same. Do what makes sense for your family, not what ridiculous outdated gender concepts say you should do.

If you actually did go part time while unmarried, you would be the one taking all the financial risk and long term career and pension hit.

Stay FT. Make sure your partner does his share of the baby care, at least. He can stay PT or step up. But bear in mind that men who are PT or underemployed before kids rarely turn into hardworking FT providers either.

This is absolutely fine OP. However, if he's not motivated about getting a proper job will he be motivated when it comes to taking care of the baby? Also, you may resent the fact that you have to work full time because he couldn't be bothered looking for a proper job? This is different to a couple who plans this set up.

I'd make it clear that this is what will be happening if he doesn't get a full time job. You're right not to give up your job if he's not reliable.

It would make the most sense for you to return to your job full time, I don't think you should feel guilty. You can always change you mind later but with things the way they are now it's probably the most sensible option.

Do what works for your family. If DH is happy with you staying full time, he being part time and doing the majority of parenting and your happy too then noone elses opinion should concern you.

Okay I think some people have misinterpreted this!!

I am all for women working full time and don’t see an issue in it all, I applaud it!! I just meant that because of society I have always envisioned that I would be the one staying home more as the mother, it didn’t initially occur to me that I don’t have too and now it is!! Yay!

Please don’t be offended or think I am some old fashioned person that doesn’t agree with this, I’m all for empowered woman doing whatever they want!

However my concerns are -
I worry that emotionally I will miss my child or that being at work for 48 hours a week will leave me too tired to give my baby the attention that I’d like too.

This will be my first child so I don’t have any experience but what if I don’t cope well with the work load and being a parent?

I guess a lot of this, I just won’t know until it comes to it as a lot of you have said you were - I could feel absolutely fine with going back to work full time, that would be amazing!

Thank you all for your responses, I think this is something I need to give some serious thought and discuss properly with my partner (I haven’t mentioned it to him yet).

I have always earned more than DH so I work FT and he looks after DD 18 months most of the time.

It works great for us and it’s lovely they have a great relationship too. He generally copes better with a full time toddler than I do and I enjoy my work so all makes sense!

Don’t worry about what people think - only advice would be to discuss the housework expectations, how you’ll split chores etc.

Id be much more concerned that a man who is happy for you to financially carry him is going to be equally happy for you to shoulder the main burden of parenting.

I've enjoyed going back, I do 4 days a week. DH works less than me and does more childcare. You don't have to decide now, or even in the first few months if you've got reasonable mat leave. I find it is nice to have some time doing other things than looking after DD and I enjoy my time with her more because of it.

Are you kidding?

Of course this is fine.

Whoever earns the most money / has the most secure job usually works. Someone working part time in a slightly sporadic way (?), looks after the baby. Obviously! I mean, otherwise, you won't be able to pay the bills maybe? Yes, I'm sure you'll miss your baby, but unless you have an alternative source of income, then sadly that is how it is. Many, many women work FT with dcs at home.

You could perhaps look into compressed hours or similar, OP. That might let you do 4 long days and stay on a FT salary. Hard work in those days but it certainly reduces your childcare bill.

Going to PT yourself sounds like it might be a route to seriously impaired income for your family.