Could I please apologise for this book I'm about to write!
Hi guys this is the 1st time I’ve done this and was looking for some advice, the past few months I’ve had this gut wrenching guilty feeling that I can’t get rid of and all I’m doing is crying.
My family and I have been in from March 2020 my DH has a health condition so we don't want to take any chances. I know this will probably be playing a part as we haven’t seen family.
So anyway, I have 3 kids 2 DD 10, 13 & 1 DS 5. Last year I had a complete melt down I cried for 2 weeks solid, couldn't sleep and didn't eat for 1 week whilst trying to keep my self together to look after 3 kids, home school and keep the house semi tidy.
Here was my trigger my middle DD is always very short with me and quiet cheeky, on this particular day after getting £50 worth of iTunes vouchers she comes up to me and shows me a game to buy, all I said was "are you hinting for another voucher" in a playful manner and reminded her of how much she had spent already. she just shot me down and on top of this I had been asking her to brush her hair for days it was matted and she would not let me do it so I snapped at her and said go brush ur hair. My DH shouted from his office asking why I spoke to her like that and when I tried to explain he just said that's a few times Ive heard you being "arsey" I know they say ignore the bad behaviour but this was constant, most times I would let it slide but it grates on you.
A few times its been mentioned that I take my oldest DD side which is not the case if she spoke to me a certain way I would call her out on it too but she would come down apologise & tbh it very rarely happens. My oldest would have to do some chores, and wouldn't get away with anything as near that what my middle DD would. I would call my DH out on it and there would always be an excuse of she's younger or different natured, I just didn't think it was fair so that didn't sit well with me either.
So for some reason everything I felt that I did wrong as a parent through the years filled my brain and still today I feel the good times are fogged. I can't even look at pics without crying and I'm hunting through videos to check my tone of voice. I look at my middle DD and break down I thought I was a good mum, I don't think I have ever questioned this until now. I have always had a wee bit of guilt from having my 2nd because I put her to a childminder at 8months old then she went to nursery until school because of work. I worked for my in laws at the time who made things really difficult with hours etc and they also didn't offer any support for their GK.
My Middle DD would throw the biggest tantrums but the terrible 2's lasted until she was 8. I could handle and had the patience for it when she was small. I tried all the things like naughty step, naughty corner, going down to her level but got slapped in the process. Even when she was getting older she would get physical punch and kick. She would never really do what she was told even still to this day she won't listen to me. Tbh I've seen difference since we have been in lock down not rushing to school etc she hated school. If she's cheeky now which is a lot less now. I just walk away I don't know what else to do, I try to calmly explain that its ok to feel a certain way but not ok to treat people like that, I know she's in the pre teen stage so I know I will get back chat or mood swings. Still to this day I have to ask around 10 times or more for her to go to bed in the calmest voice, she comes down at 12- 1am because she's hungry so I do get annoyed because I'm tired she should be sleeping. Since she was little she wouldn't stay in bed or go to sleep, I would catch her up playing and I used to worry she wasn't getting enough sleep. She is the sort of child that if you say no she does it away so I felt I was constantly snapping at her.
I used to feel embarrassed when family members would comment I used to feel like they thought I couldn't handle my own child. She was an angel at school I would get big smiles at the gate and get a hug but as soon as she would get in the car you didn't know what mood you would get. I thought she was getting bullied so spoke to the school about it but there was nothing. I even went to the doctors but they said the school would've picked up if she had behavioural problems. I try not to shout at the kids but a few times I have lost it, and have had a screaming matches that I deeply regret. It got to a point that I was getting really down.
Nothing seemed to phase her she's had her devices taken away, tv, toys, missed parties. I have even tried to calmly talk to her when things got heated or tried to hug her but ended in disaster. She has always been very smart and bright, she has always been strong minded, loves her own wee space and loves being in the house. When things were good they where good but I felt like I was walking on egg shells especially the older she was getting. My oldest was having problems at school and when I look back I think maybe that took time away from her.
She was 5 when I had my DS and I didn't go back to work because child care cost would've out weighed my pay. Im not sure if things got worse when I had my DS maybe she felt left out.
I think of the mornings trying to get to school on time and all I can hear ringing in my ears is the sound of my voice, I'm literally cringing I just think poor kids having to listen to my nagging voice. I hate it.
I love my kids, I live for them, I have never missed a show, sports day, I don't go out much on my own maybe 1-2x per year. I take may kids every where. We don't have family to help with the kids. We make every halloween, valentines day etc special for them, even give each kids a present so they don't feel left out on each of their birthday. Tried every club, dance, drama you name it. Ive always been open with my kids and approachable, they can come to me for anything.
I felt I was building some sort of resentment because it was constant and was venting to my sisters but I deeply regret and feel guilty for doing it. What if she heard? what if I haven't showed the love she deserves? Maybe lack of routine at night or overall? I just feel maybe I didn't deal with her properly. What if I've dismissed her too much. I wish I could go back to see if I could do anything different obviously I know I can't.
When she's not kicking off she's a normal happy child and will come in for hugs and tell me she loves me. She's funny, smart & beautiful. She is liked by everyone and can walk into a room and make a friend straight away.
I spoke to my oldest as she saw me crying she thinks I'm being silly she doesn't think I've ever been out of order, I have apologised if I ever have. Now I'm worried I've put my problem on to her.
About me: Naturally I am a worrier, I suffer from anxiety but I won't take any form of medication due to people having addictions I'n my family. I don't drink and don't get much free time. My childhood wasn't very good so I've tried to do better than my parents, no hugs or love you, just full of fighting and arguing. I tell my kids everyday I love them, they want for nothing. I feel like I don't deserve them. Sorry again for the book