I upset my baby and feel horrendous

[feelsobad27]

I had to go to the dentist today for a long awaited appointment. I left DS (8 months old) with my mum, who is my support bubble.

I was only gone for 1.5 hours and when I got back, DS was in absolute floods of tears. Apparently he’d been fine for the first hour or so, then started to cry and wouldn’t stop. I think he must have realised that I wasn’t there and was scared I wasn’t coming back. My mum tried everything but he was inconsolable.

After a five minute cuddle with me he was calm again and right as rain, but I feel absolutely eaten up with guilt that I could have scared or traumatised my little boy and am beating myself up for leaving him. I know this age is peak time for separation anxiety and he's only met my mum about 8 times, so isn’t hugely familiar with her.

I feel so down - please help

Aw, bless you, please don't worry, you haven't traumatised him! It was less than half an hour that he was upset and you can't even be 100% sure that it was because you weren't there, he could have had wind, and you just picked him up the right way to dislodge it . He won't remember it. You'll upset him a million more times before he's an adult, and he might remember some of those! But seriously, don't stress, he'll pick up on that more than any memory of you not being there for a short time. He'll get used to you not being there occasionally, and that's a really good thing - for both of you!

Remember your health matters too, you re no use to him if you get a bad dental infection and can't look after him properly and he's not going to remember this.

Oh bless you he's only really known you as he's been born during all this saga he hasn't had a chance to get used to change! Do not worry you have not upset him, and you couldn't avoid it! Just be happy he missed you so much and loves you so much 💐

What harms babies is being left alone without comfort for long periods when they are distressed. Being with a living grandparent who is providing comfort while he misses his mum is not going to have done him any harm whatsoever, I promise. It’s normal life. The fact that he was fine 5 minutes after seeing you tells you everything you need to know.

You deserve and are allowed to look after your teeth!

Loving grandparent is what I meant to write but living is also helpful!

All perfectly normal op. You haven't traumatised him.

Thank you so much everyone, I was feeling terrible but your replies have really helped put my mind at rest!

Aw bless you, please don't worry, what he has learnt from this experience is that sometimes mummy has to go away but she ALWAYS come back. Maybe keep practicing it if you get the chance and I promise it will get easier for you both. This is a lovely piece of confidence you can teach your DS, please don't beat yourself up over it.

You have no other choice, appointments like this are essential for your wellbeing (and that matters). It's not nice but he will be fine. You haven't traumatised him. He did quiet well to get to an hour before getting upset given they haven't spent a lot of time together.

Thank you. I just hope he still trusts me

Oh you need to get him used to it op, for both your sakes. Why don’t you do an occasional hour where you leave him with your mum, say once a week. He will adjust and get to love it, assuming she’s good, which I suspect she is or you’d not leave him there,

It sounds like he did quite well for a first time without you really. I started putting my DS into nursery at 8 months old. Just 3 hours in the morning to start with. Now it's 5 hours at 1yo. Is been a slow build up because he doesn't see many other faces because of lockdowns. But he's pretty happy there 2 times a week.

I'd second that this sounds like a good tipping off point to leave him with others for an hour (assuming your DM is not too traumatized herself). Do the odd hour out once a week and then build it up over a few months.

@Bluntness100

Oh you need to get him used to it op, for both your sakes. Why don’t you do an occasional hour where you leave him with your mum, say once a week. He will adjust and get to love it, assuming she’s good, which I suspect she is or you’d not leave him there,

Bluntless100 is correct here, I don’t know the right words to explain it as I’m really tired but by doing this it will strengthen his trust as he knows you’ll always come back and will only leave him with people who love him and look after him. Love is not always about being physically present but enabling things like a certain degree of independence amongst other things. I also agree with by taking care of your own health you’re also taking care of his needs as you’ll be well enough to look after him. I’m off to bed now as I’m clearly too tired to explain myself coherently!