Feel like such a failure 8 month old

[daydreamdaisy]

I just shouted at my 8.5 month old and I am just so shocked and furious with myself. I have never raised my voice to her ever before.

She just whines the entire day, not crying but this whining noise and whatever I do - I play with her, do sensory stuff, read to her literally all day and nothing makes her happy for long at all before she's making the whine noise again. It got to the point today after being up since 5 that I shouted at her 'what do you want?' And she looked startled and I felt like scum.

She is up every hour during the night wanting re settling or a feed, i look 10 years older and I never get any time away from her because she only wants me now. She used to let DH look after her when he was home but she cries when she can't see me.

We are by ourselves at home all day while my husband goes out to work and the days are so long to fill. I can't drive anywhere and don't have any friends in our area. I have tried to make them but always fizzles out.
I just feel like I have nothing left I am so exhausted and don't even recognise myself, I used to be a fun happy person and now my mental health is just horrific.
I just want sleep, DH tries but she wakes wanting me in the night. We can't co sleep.
We don't have a support bubble or anyone to make one with. I try to get out as much as I can but there are only one or two walks where we are and the weather has been rubbish recently which makes that harder. Plus I am so tired that I really have to force myself to go for long walks with her. I try so hard to talk to her and tell her about what we see but I just want quiet.

I have considered sleep training but then been told it is cruel to the baby and they learn their needs won't be met and I just can't bring myself to do it to her. I think if I slept things would be more manageable, some nights I only get an hour, but I just am terrified of damaging her for my own selfishness. She isn't a good napper either so I have to be nearby to resettle her so can't do anything really, always on edge.

I love her so much, I would die for her but I'm trying so hard and I feel like I have very little left. If anyone has any advice I would be so grateful.

She's whining because she's tired. You're stressed because you're tired.
Give yourself a break, you're in a hard situation.
She doesn't need constant stimulation so if you need some quiet time when you're out walking, give yourself that.

Dont be so hard on yourself, it happens. My 14mo is glued to me constantly, if shes not climbing all over me, shes following me around crying, hanging off my leg wanting to be picked up. Im not allowed out of her sight either. I fully think lockdowns have made an impact on babies. Do you have any family nearby, even if you sat there and had a cup of tea with someone while baby played. Just because you have a Dh, it doesnt make sat by yourself all day with a baby any easier, you need a break too. It does get easier x

Is she teething? I would suggest trying nurofen and anbesol liquid before bed.

Can you go to bed at the same time as her for a couple of nights and then keep doing it once a week. Also try and nap yourself when your husband is off.

Is she crawling yet? I found both my girls improved when they could crawl and walk.

She sounds really really tired. Honestly fix her sleep and everything else falls into place. I sleep trained at 8 months and the difference in my baby was huge. Yes he cried the first night for 20 minutes but the next day instead of whinging for 10hours he was smiling all day.
I used Lucy Wolfe baby sleep solution. It was a god send, you stay with them, they know you are there. Not all sleep train is leave them to cry it out.
Waking every hour to feed only works if you can co cleep. No one can get out of bed every hour indefinitely, its just not healthy long term.
Look after yourself so you can look after your baby.

I am in a similar situation, it’s really hard. Could she be teething?
Or frustrated as she wants to be on the move but can’t yet crawl?

My baby is a similar age and we have days where all he does is whine, I h the ink h to is is when he is overtired.
Is there anyone else who you can go for a walk with, or even who could take her for a walk and give you a break.
Not really any advice, but solidarity.

Has she always been like this? Has she been checked for an ear infection?

She recently had a full check up in case but the GP said no sign of anything, I have tried calpol but it doesn't seem to make a difference, I will try anbesol just to see

Please don't feel bad. First thing that struck me was your doing too much. Your baby thinks she has to have your full on attention 24 7 because that's what you are teaching her. If you had two or three other children she would no way be getting this much attentions and believe me she would get on with it more and entertain herself. Set her up with toys and walk away for a bit. As long as she's safe loved and looked after she will be fine.

It sounds so hard OP. I would say that if you’re so tired you’re shouting at her, you should reconsider sleep training. There are gentle sleep training methods which don’t involve leaving your baby crying. I think it would make the world of difference to you both if you were sleeping better, even if that involves training.

@daydreamdaisy

She recently had a full check up in case but the GP said no sign of anything, I have tried calpol but it doesn't seem to make a difference, I will try anbesol just to see

Nurofen is better calpol for teething. You can use nurofen and anbesol liquid together.

8 months is a classic clingy stage, but it will pass. Don't worry about having yelled, it gets to almost all of us and whiny baby noises are the worst !

@Ruddyfedup totally agree my 10 month old is in full separation anxiety extreme lockdown edition and it's hardly surprising really as he's only seen me or his dad since the beginning of November. I do wonder how he will ever cope with nursery with suddenly so many people.

OP mine was the same for whinging but once he started crawling he was like a different (non whinging) baby. it's pure frustration at that age.

Some kids just aren't happy! I had one like this. It got better as they got moving. Dont be too hard on yourself. You have an 8 month old, during a global pandemic. Try and get a nap in here and there and try having a bit of time to yourself, get dh to bath baby and you go for a walk.

My daughter was like this and I broke at 14 months and did Ferber method. Whilst I was terrified for the reasons you listed, it became very clear I was wrong in her case. It took two nights and I think we only got to ten minutes once. However, the difference in her mood and personality made it all worthwhile. Gone was the crying, moaning child and out came a happy, well rested smiling girl.

I followed the minute wait chart and waited by the door. I also realised she was not distress crying she was angry crying or shouting. She's two and a half now and a super sleeper. Only wakes if something is really wrong and I of course go straight in.

@goldsoundz took 3 weeks for my mum to say she couldn't have her any more when i went back to work, she screamed for 3 hours until her dad picked her up and then screamed some more at him. She wouldnt eat or drink either. DP had to finish work 1.5 early twice a week for 3 months. i tried again leaving her with my mum, but did the school run with her so it was like a 'normal' day, had a cup of tea there and then creep off when shes busy. Still have to do the same now. Having a bath there would set her off aswell because it was different there. I think it was the change in routine, it was always tea, bath, bottle bed and being fed somewhere else was a massive trigger for her. We got there eventually but she still has her days. Daddys finally good enough now when i sleep after a night shift aswell. Never had this problem with my 1st, id drop him off and he wouldnt give a toss

1. This is a REALLY tough time to have a baby. Be kind to yourself

1. There’s a separation anxiety phase around 8/9 months when they learn object permanence. It will pass

1. Is she crawling yet? It might be frustration from wanting to be on the move. DS was much happier once he was mobile.

Sleep training is not cruel if done right. I agree with the earlier post about the Lucy Wolfe method. You stay and support your child and it is gradual.

She's whining because she's tired - she's getting as little sleep as you are! You need to sort her sleep, she'll be so much happier.

@daydreamdaisy sleep training doesn’t have to be cruel. Do both of yourselves a favour and sleep train xx

OP I completely understand. My DS is 7 months and also whinges all day and all night, it's HARD. I've shouted at him before and like you have never felt so guilty. But we're only human too. You've got this 💖

I would really sleep train if I were you. You don't have to live like this.

My 9 month old is exactly the same OP - perhaps it’s a common phase at this age? Either way it’s so tough

Sounds really tough - sleep deprivation is torture (literally in some places in the word!). I also think you should reconsider sleep training. Cry is out is one (extreme) end of the sleep training spectrum. There are lots of other methods that are far more gentle that won't cause your baby any harm. In fact, I'd argue that it's more harmful for a baby to get very overtired from broken and minimal sleep, as sleep is vital for their development. Some previous posters have made some suggestions that perhaps you could look into? I've personally not followed a specific sleep training programme but have done my own version where I hold off rushing in if they were low level crying (grumbling) to give them a chance to self settle. I also use verbal reassurance a lot rather than picking up and rocking etc...

Please don't beat yourself up too much over shouting at your baby. It sounds like you've been pushing to the brink and it was just a momentary vent of your frustrations and hopefully a one off. I hope that things improve for you soon.

Oh that whinge!!! My little girl does it too (just over 8 months) but it’s usually when her teeth are hurting. As others have mentioned nurofen is definitely more effective than calpol for teething. And even if the weather is bad I bundle her up, put the raincover on her buggy, wear a coat with a big hood and go for a walk. Podcasts have been a lifesaver for me on this poor excuse for a maternity leave, and when she’s out in the buggy she doesn’t whinge much as too busy looking around and/or the motion sends her off for a nap. But I feel your pain, that whinge is soooo annoying. I feel bad as she’s obviously in pain hut sometimes I think I’d rather she cried than that noise!