DS wants Grandma. Have I don't something wrong?!

[eensyweensySpider]

Due to lockdown and being unable to form a bubble because of long distance, my DM has moved in with us temporarily to help with my 11 months old whilst I transition back to work from mat leave and to allow our LO to stay at home for a bit longer rather than going to nursery. I love DM and have always had a very close relationship and DH and I are so grateful for the help!

She has met LO 3 times in person and apart from that it's just been daily video calls throughout all the lockdowns and Christmas, so I was really really glad to see they hit it off almost immediately when she arrived. Literally, 20 minutes in and they were besties! I even joked with DH that we can have the evening off as LO didn't seem to mind the slightest when I left his playroom.

Fast forward a couple of days and I struggled to put him down to sleep in the evening. I am absolutely mortified and embarrassed to say that he wriggled out of my arms and wanted to go to Grandma. I mean he doesn't even let his Dad to put him to sleep, as soon as he finishes his bottle, he wants Mummy time. I put a brave face on and swallowed my tears as I handed him to Grandma pretending it was cute but I honestly felt so hurt. Hurt and rejected by my baby :( Am I being silly? What's going on? He is absolutely and 100% loved and doted on by both DH and me, he eats and sleeps well and we literally spend all day together, every day as DH works long hours and we always have a good time, play a lot, go for long walks etc. Please help me understand, does it mean he hasn't formed a bond with me? DH thinks I'm massively overreacting and I should be grateful that I don't have to worry about him having a good time whilst I'm at work but I am just honestly baffled! And feel like I've done a bad job and he prefers someone else the moment he has a chance. I'm so heartbroken. Any advice? Anyone has had similar experiences??

This is exactly what little ones do. They choose one person and it's all them. Then they drop them like a stone and swap to someone else. Babies are fickle and choose for no apparent reason.
If your mum hadn't been there you or your husband would be the favourite and one of you would be left feeling hurt.
It's really hard when it happens, it's part of development but that doesn't help much.
My 3 year old grandson was telling my daughter. ' Not you , nanny' next week it'll be grandad or someone else's turn.
Try not to show your disappointment as he'll pick up on it and play the choice card more.

She's a novelty. A new person to love and dote on him and he's enjoying it, secure in the knowledge that you're his unchanging rock who will always be there when he decides you're the only one who can fulfil his whim. It's completely understandable to feel a bit sad but he still loves you very much.

It's because he has a strong bond with you and feels secure that he has the confidence to strike out in this new relationship.

Don't worry about it. It's much better than him clinging tearfully on to you as you depart every day! He knows you're his mum and that won't change - even when he gets to be a strapping 6 footer!

I think your DH is right,it's a massive overreaction altough quite understandable one.
Your DC is only 11 months old and as he spends most of the day now with your DM,she is his favourite atm.Don't blame yourself,this is how the little ones 'operate'.They don't really 'switch' only because you returned home after work.I think you should be rather relieved that despite minimal contact before, your baby feel safe and happy in his grandma's care.
Relax and enjoy your well-deserved rest after work.I'm sure it will be totally different during your days off.

It's because he has a strong bond with you and feels secure that he has the confidence to strike out in this new relationship.

This. He knows you'll always be there for him so he has the confidence to ask for grandma. Good job mama!

Oh honey, it just shows what a wonderful job you have done. You are his everything and he knows he’s safe to explore.

I suppose I should have put a FTM warning sign on my post I am normally such a level headed person and, despite how my post comes across, I really am not overly sensitive either but the way he protested against me this evening has really caught me off guard, my heart sank and it was really hard not to take it personally. So I walked away and quietly cried into a glass of wine (or two) and imagined the day he will refuse to come home from nursery...overreacting much, huh!!!

Really appreciate all your comments, thank you!

I remember DD falling over at a similar age and when I went to comfort her she said, "I don't want you - I want Laura'. Laura was her keyworker at nursery. I was upset for about 30 seconds and then pleased to realise she had formed such a bond with the person who looked after her when I wasn't there.

This is how I must look at it too! The main thing is he is having a great time with Grandma and they are getting along. Before this, I was really worried he will be struggling as he has never ever been away from me. Guess I was wrong... :)

OP not meaning to downplay your feelings at all but I did laugh a little at this. It's completely normal. Your ds loves you and you are still his favourite, but someone new has come along thats giving him lots of attention and being loving and caring towards him, and probably giving him whatever he wants? Like most grandparents do.
It's all a novelty. I'm guessing with everything that's going on, he probably hasn't met many new people in his short little life. He's just enjoying having someone else doting on him. He will soon come back, they all do 😂
Also young children don't have any empathy, so he has no idea he is hurting your feelings. They do what makes them happy.

I walked away and quietly cried into a glass of wine (or two) and imagined the day he will refuse to come home from nursery

And that will almost certainly happen one day. He will also refuse to leave the swings in the park or get up from the floor to make the potty in time, and he will tell you he wants to live at his friend's because they have a different breakfast food. All of it part of his exploring and learning about this new world you have put him into. Embrace it- once you stop taking it personally, it's great fun to watch!

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

OP not meaning to downplay your feelings at all but I did laugh a little at this. It's completely normal. Your ds loves you and you are still his favourite, but someone new has come along thats giving him lots of attention and being loving and caring towards him, and probably giving him whatever he wants? Like most grandparents do. It's all a novelty. I'm guessing with everything that's going on, he probably hasn't met many new people in his short little life. He's just enjoying having someone else doting on him. He will soon come back, they all do 😂 Also young children don't have any empathy, so he has no idea he is hurting your feelings. They do what makes them happy.

Oh not at all, I know I sound a bit childish 🙈 I really just thought it was going to be the opposite, if anything, so his reaction was very surprising but I read up on it and understand the psychology behind it. As you say, Grandma is very caring, she is fun and he is very lucky to have her. I just need to not let this get to my Mama pride and enjoy the fact that I can leave him guilt free.

@corythatwas

I walked away and quietly cried into a glass of wine (or two) and imagined the day he will refuse to come home from nursery

And that will almost certainly happen one day. He will also refuse to leave the swings in the park or get up from the floor to make the potty in time, and he will tell you he wants to live at his friend's because they have a different breakfast food. All of it part of his exploring and learning about this new world you have put him into. Embrace it- once you stop taking it personally, it's great fun to watch!

Quite right, we have all that to look forward to It's been such a weird year and I think it's probably even harder for me to let him go (so to speak) since we spent so much time together and I never really had to "share him" with anyone. I woke up this morning looking at it from a different point of view and I am so proud of him to be able to interact and have fun with people other than me and his Dad - he seems very sociable, something I haven't really had a chance to witness to this extent so far.

Thank you for your kind comments, Mama needs to order some more books 🤣🙊

We have all done it OP , it's not childish. We have this little person who is pur entire world , especially in the baby days so the first time they do this , it really catches your breath.

I promise though it really is that he knows you are there. My DC are a lot older , and have done it a few times. Mum is basically a permanent fixture, the never ending , never leaving furniture their lives are built on currently (in a nice way) . It's this wierd scary role in the early years where you are the sun and the moon but of course you will always be there. In their minds where else would you ever go? So something new and shiny comes along and they feel safe to embrace it because they feel safe picking you back up after because you are safe and will always be there.

It's honestly a compliment (doesn't flipping feel like it at the time though)

Ah it’s so hurtful when they do this! It’s normal to feel that way. But what he’s doing is also normal. Developmental, they can only really focus on one relationship at a time, that’s why they pick someone and fixate on them. As mentioned above, it’s a mix of novelty and building a new relationship which his grandma, which is a beautiful thing. He’s confident mummy will always be there and loves him, that’s why he’s comfortable exploring this new relationship with his grandma. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t still sting a little when they do it though sounds like you’re doing a great job.

It's because you have a strong bond with him. He feels safe to explore.
Don't worry, and enjoy the break

I wonder as well if he’s a naturally very sociable baby who hasn’t had many outlets to explore that side of his personality due to the pandemic - so New! Person! is even more of a novelty than it would otherwise have been.

I’ve been thinking a lot about those babies and toddlers who are naturally sociable at the moment - they will get such a pleasant surprise when they can interact with people again.

My DS is cared for predominantly by myself and my DM whilst I work...
He doesn't favour either of us when my DF is around... Its all about him.
We take the opportunity to have a coffee. Enjoy it.
Oh and my oldest... Well he preferred his nursery key worker because 'she no make me eat peas and let's me play in sand' so I often had 20 minutes handover from nursery while we chatted and he carried on playing. TBH I was pleased he had someone he trusted so much to look out for him when I had to leave him.
Your baby does love you 100% they just do what they want in the moment and have no understanding of others feelings x

Try not to worry too much. His Gran is something different. I'm sure even babies get bored sometimes so having his gran to stay is a little adventure.

My DS is 4 and he packed his bag (toothbrush included) and said he was going to stay at Grans for a week! He was only going for 2 hours! Anyway I walked round to pick him up and he said "no mummy I told you I'm staying a week". So I left with my tail between my legs! He ended up staying the night!!

The next day my dad said he was inconsolable during the night saying he wanted me. I was so relieved and felt quite happy about that 🙈😆. Bad mummy!!!

It's normal to be a little heartbroken but he will be back to wanting you when the novelty wears off.

My nephew will randomly decide he "doesn't like mommy" and "wants to live with Hunter". The next day, that will be totally forgotten and he wants sod all to do with me.

Kids are gits. Don’t take it to heart.