A bit of support please.....

[girlsmum]

hi, I'm feeling pretty low today because, deep breath, I just feel as if I have fallen into a horrible rut of just nagging my kids all the time.

" Don't do this, Don't do that, Hurry up"

I don't know where the old me has gone really, I used to play and read with my girls all the time. ( eldest is 4 and youngest is 2.5) Now I'm constantly hoovering, washing, cleaning like its really important. I know its not but during the day I just can't seem to leave it.

My dd1 has just started school full time and admittedly I am a little upset by this (she only turned 4 in August). My DH and I are having a crap time - but have discussed and are trying to pull our fingers out and communicate/work it out.

Don't know what I want really, just some encouragement I think, I NEED to change. Now.

Oh poor you girlsmum. I know exactly what you mean. Sometimes I look back at the always interested, informed adn fun parent of one that I used to be and wonder which black hole she got sucked into..

Will think about it bcs it feels like I've turned a corner quite recently (last 2 months).

But getting from there to here made me feel self-conscious with dcs, which in itself became a problem. That is, the more I felt guilty and tried to change, the more fake i felt, and the worse things got.

will have a think anyway.

Hi girlsmum, sounds like you know what the problem is it's just a case of finding it in yourself to address it. Also sounds like you need some time to yourself to rediscover a bit of something just for you. Can you give yourself a few hours a week away from the house/children to do something that makes you feel good?

Hi there GM. Sorry you're feeling so low atm, but first of all, you're no different from any of us! We've all been there are are there right now!

You've already said that the cleaning really isn't that important and that you're finding it tough with dd1 at school, so you're half way there.

IF you really can't leave it, why don't you get the girls to help you? That way, you can spend time with the younger one during the day and make a game of it at the same time?

sorry just read that and realized how gloomy it sounds!!
Not gloomy at all - all good now! - just that I felt I could have got out of the mindset more quickly and will try to think how.

Thanks for your posts.

I do have two mornings a week on my own, DD2 goes to pre-school. And I spend the entire time ironing or cleaning.

I HATE housework - I need to get over it and put my girls first. And your all right, its just finding how to do it. The thing is this should be easy and instinctive - but strangely - it's not and thats why I hate myself today.

i think i used to obsess slightly about housework too - the more out of control the important things feel, the more you need to control your immediate environment?

you are not alone re easy and instinctive. I found it so e and i till ds hit 3. Then lost the e and i for quite a while.

OK, why don't you start with cleaning for one morning and having the other morning off but get out of the house. That way you won't be tempted to do anything. Could you go to the gym or have a swim? A brisk walk or go for a coffee. Long term perhaps you could look into doing something that makes you feel valued. What are your interests? Could you consider charity work or a job perhaps? Sorry if this sounds condescending it's not meant to.

onebatmother, you're spot on. That's me all over too.

Thanks again, you've given me a lot to think about. Definately not condescending.

I think I don't feel valued, I don't feel as if DH knows how much I do or appreciates what I do, maybe thats why I don't stop.

Nevertheless I still deeply ashamed that I am not the best mother to my babies. And I really am going to change.

Its funny how your deep feelings transcend into your everyday life and until you stop and look closely you don't even realise.

Not suprised. Being a mother is a thankless job isn't it? Most of what you do is intangible so with cleaning/ironing etc you have a sense of achievement and it's obvious to everyone what you've been doing with your day. Someone suggested getting the girls involved and I think that's a good idea but firstly, draw up a reasonable housework schedule and stick to it. You don't need to do everything every day. The first time you look at the bathroom and say you're not going to clean it, you'll feel liberated. The more time you spend out of the house the better that way you're not looking at it. Don't beat yourself up. You've got the hardest job in the world and you're doing great.

Do you know what? that feeling of 'tomorrow I'm going to change' made things worse for me.
It became like a diet - every time I wasn't perfect I felt, oh f* it then, or felt sooo guilty that I'd start to feel resentful, then angry, then shouty.
Key for me was not thinking 'how can I be perfect mother again' but 'what do I want to do with the kids today? lets forget about anything educational or improving or anything that I don't actually enjoy doing but do anyway. What is really fun?'
and we've somehow found each other again.

agree ginger with liberated. its taken a very long time for me to have a dirty basin! I had massive overachievement problem, and when I stopped work, (even tho loooved being at home with ds) all that overachievement got refocussed onto clean house, colour supplement food, perfect taste in furnishings according to Elle Deco.
But in fact none of that can change some key facts - v small home, imperfect relationship. Now I've acknowledged that, I think the latter are improving..