Talking to a pre-schooler about death of a distant relative

[Dalooah]

Hello all,

A family member that I was close to has passed away and the family in general is very upset about the circumstances and the passing. My pre-schooler doesn't remember meeting this family member and is generally unaware of their existence.

Has anyone got any advice on how to broach the subject and to answer the questions why parents/grandparents/uncles/aunts etc are upset at the moment, without causing undue stress and worry.

Thanks

Can’t you just tell them X died? You don’t have to go into gory details but being straightforward is how I choose to do it. Children are pretty accepting and resilient

I forgot to mention, I'm trying to avoid pre-schooler asking too many questions- at this age, the questions are non stop and don't particularly feel like answering the whole 'who was relative', 'whats their name', can I see a photo etc etc.
Is it ok to just say, I don't want to answer x, y, z?

My daughter is 4. If this happened I think I would tell her that uncle X has died and that means we can't see him any more which is sad. She would probably have a follow up question of "what is died?" Which I would probably answer something like "if someone is old or very poorly their body doesn't know how to work properly any more. Sometimes it stops working and that means the person has died and they can't come back".

If you believe in heaven or similar then it would be easier to explain it that they have gone there but make it clear they aren't able to come back.

@Dalooah

I forgot to mention, I'm trying to avoid pre-schooler asking too many questions- at this age, the questions are non stop and don't particularly feel like answering the whole 'who was relative', 'whats their name', can I see a photo etc etc. Is it ok to just say, I don't want to answer x, y, z?

To be honest if they dont have any clue who the relative is, I probably wouldn't bring it up then. Has your child asked why grandma is upset? If not then I just wouldnt broach the subject.

Do you have a partner who could talk to her and might be able to answer those questions without making you upset?

Sorry to hear that this has happened and condolences to all the family. To be honest, I really wouldn’t even tell them. Considering that we aren’t able to see anyone at the moment, why would your child even pick up on other family members being upset?

With the best will in the world, and this will upset you even more, you can say "Uncle X has died" and your pre-schooler will say "who?" "Oh" or "can I have the telly on" and get on with their day.
Young children even up to an age a couple of years older than a pre-schooler and with a relative they regularly see, aren't in all probability going to be that bothered for that long.
You can just tell a pre-schooler factually and then let them get on.
I doubt they'll have any further questions tbh, it's unlikely at that age they're going to start asking what happens when you die (and I wouldn't go into that with them unless they asked)

A preschooler who doesn't actively know this relative? I might not even tell them anything especially as they have no clue who this person is. Later you can talk about the person "you had an aunty called X who you didn't know really because she lived a long way away and you didn't get to meet her much/at all but I'm sure you would have liked her". Etc.

Sorry for your loss.

Sorry, posted too soon. However, if you want to explain why you’re upset you can say that someone died without making it scary, in my experience young children don’t understand and therefore will be more likely to develop a fear if 1) they knew them well or 2) they try to understand what it means in the context of people they know. As for wider family members, if they are upset and need your support I would probably try to do that away from your child so as not to make it feel bigger for them than it needs to be.

If your child doesn’t remember them then I wouldn’t tell them at all. I had a similar situation recently, they didn’t remember meeting relative and not very aware of their existence so I haven’t told them. It doesn’t impact on them. Children so ask questions and may get upset if you’re upset so unless they know the person and will feel the loss themselves I just wouldn’t want to open that can of worms. I’m sorry for your loss

I just wouldn't tell them. How many upset relatives are they likely to see now?

If they don't even remember who they are why would you even mention it? I'm confused.

Sorry for your loss. I had to deal with this last year (my dad, 4 and 2 year old). Keep it factual. X has died. That means we can't see them anymore. Mummy is sad, and might need extra cuddles.
Small ones don't understand 'passed away'.
If they ask questions, 'goodbye Mog' is a good book to help understanding but I've still not been able to read it without crying.

Thanks for all the advice. I've erred on the side of don't say anything till asked. He's picked up on the general flurry of phone calls/zooms etc, but not asked and been playing etc. So going to leave it at that at the moment.