Deciding baby no.3

[Lizmum1]

Hey guys, I’ve seen lots of posts on this topic but they’re old ones so thought I would start a new one.

I’m 26 and partner is 40 (please no bitchy comments on age gap we are very very happy)

We have been together for 6 years and have a five year old girl and a 2.5 year old son.
Before kids I always thought I would like 2. My DD was a dream pregnancy, no symptoms, safe birth, slept through from day 1 and is still sleeping from 7-7/8 now. She never cried and was a dream baby/toddler/child. She’s very smart, easy as anything to have. She was potty trained, could talk a full conversation out of a cot and a buggy before the age of two! We had our son when she was 2.5 and he was a slightly harder pregnancy (nothing major though) really easy birth and also a very good baby to sleep and feed. Both were dream babies! Although he’s been a bit of a hard toddler (feral lol) when he was born I felt so sad knowing he was my last. It all felt so final. Then as he got to a year - 2 years old when he started being hard work I thought right that’s it I’m done. I’m content. 2 healthy kids, one of each. Perfect. However now it’s hit me soooo hard - I’m desperate for another. I don’t feel done at all. I’m 26. Most of my friends are childless and planning their babies and have just bought houses/ got engaged. A couple of my friends have literally just had their firsts and are in that beautiful newborn baby bubble. (Not jel at all) 😂

The thing is my DD is the easiest child ever and is at school full time and my DS is now at nursery and he is getting easier each day.

I’m a SAHM and DP has said even when they’re both at school I don’t need to work unless I really want to. We are very financially comfortable with lots of disposable income. We can afford to spoil the kids we have got comfortably and go on nice holidays - this wouldn’t change with a third. I may need a slightly bigger car but was looking at getting one this year anyway.

We are a year away from buying a bigger house that we’ve been saving for.

I just feel like all my friends are starting their families with babies of the same age and when I had mine my friends were still out drinking 4 nights a week so I was pretty lonely. Now all my friends are starting to have their firsts It’s confirmed my feelings that I was originally unsure of. I guess it’s because I’m still in my 20s so just don’t feel done. The thought of not having another makes my hurt hurt.

Partner hasn’t said no he says we are very comfortable and happy and the only negative he said was that in a year or two when both are at school full time I can have my freedom back more (working or not) so my interpretation of this is that it’s up to me?? Help!

Ps. I was thinking of a bigger age gap so not trying for 1.5/2 years so I can enjoy the third when the other 2 are at school and not have two so close together at home again. Is 43/44 too old for my partner to become a dad? Lots of people we know have been in their 40s and some even early 50s.

The only thing I can contribute (I have an only child with no desire for more) is that your husband is by no means old at 43/44. My DH was 43 when our daughter was born and I thought nothing of it. I don't think he considers himself an 'older father' by any means.

What I'm trying to say is age here is not the deciding factor. You have plenty of time on you side if you choose to put the decision off a little longer. Obviously, there are pros and cons with bigger age gaps, but isn't that the case with anything?

Thank you I don’t think mid 40s in old especially for a male. My half brother was conceived when my mum was 40 and my step dad was 51. I know so many people in their early 40s starting families. It’s become very normal. When I went for scans I always felt like a baby compared to majority of the other ladies in the waiting rooms. DP is a bit worried about being past 40 though. His friend was 45 when he had his third child in a new relationship. His other two were teens from his previous relationship. Nowadays lots of people in their mid - late 30s are still out having fun or focussing on their careers. I definitely think the age for starting a family is going up as house prices are higher and life expectancy is so much higher now too.

I know this isn't what you asked but from your posts I assume you're not married....being a SAHM without the legal protection of marriage puts you in a very vulnerable position, that is, assuming you don't have independent wealth stashed away. The more children you have, the harder you would find it to get back to work if you needed to. Sounds like you're very happy now and that's great but there are countless threads on here from older women who have lost years (sometimes decades) of pension contributions etc. and are utterly screwed when their relationship breaks down unexpectedly. Is your house in both names at least? Is your partner paying into a pension in your name? IMO those are the things you need to address before worrying about whether to have more children.

Hi Judy ,

I pay into a private pension each month from our joint account. We plan on getting married in the next couple of years but decided to focus on the new house first finance wise as weddings can be extortionate! the house is in both names.