This has really knocked me

[OhToBeASeahorse]

I'm gmfeelog pretty fragile right now so could I ask that if you're going to have a go... you don't?

I've posted before about my very emotional toddler. He sleeps in his bedroom alone and 95% of the time is perfectly happy. He wakes early (5.30-6) but usually just chats to himself in his cot. We dont get him up because we are trying to instil the idea that he stays on his cot til 7. However, if he starts calling for us before then we go to him. A while ago he started banging his head against the wall so we moved the cot into the middle of the room (he does this with his car seat too).

The night before last I had hoovered and forgot to move the cot away from the wall so we were woken by DS banging on the wall so we went and got him up. An hour or so later a neighbour knocked on our door and complained that for the past 6 months they have been affected by 'shouting, screaming and banging at 4am' from him. I apologised about the cot.

This has floored me. We have a monitor on, I cant believe we havent heard him. I dont like leaving him upset we've never done cry it out or even controlled crying. Our 3 month old has woken him twice but there isnt a huge amount we can do - we have him as far away from the baby as possible, we moved him rooms months ago for this.

Im so upset. I cant believe it's true but I cant get it out of my mind. I feel like I'm failing at every turn. I dont even know what I want people to say.

P.s. I should say that they have collected parcels that we have taken in for them several times and never said anything.

You aren't failing.

1. They might be exaggerating/lying through their teeth - if it's real, why choose to mention it now?
2. If neither of you has heard him, he's not making that much noise.

You cannot do more than apologise for the disturbance and reassure them that you’re doing everything you can to sort this out, and follow through.

Don’t beat yourself up. They’ve had their say now and you’re doing all you can. I had that baby who never stopped screaming, too. I felt awful, too. Complete waste of time if you’re doing everything in your power to be the best neighbour you can be. Maybe give them a bunch of flowers and a nice card and reassure them you are doing everything you can. But that’s literally all you can do.

@Hailtomyteeth thanks. I'm worried because we have white noise on for our baby and DS is the floor above us - this was purposeful to try and get everyone as much sleep as possible.

He’s probably woken them up twice and they’re exaggerating wildly.

Take it with a pinch of salt. If he was making that much racket you would know 100%, I don’t know anyone that can sleep through their kid kicking off! Mothers anyway, I know dad’s can have selective hearing

If they can’t stand the noise of a child they need to live someone with no children. It’s not like you’re having all night banging and screaming parties.

Please don’t worry. You are doing ok

I have a camera in my toddlers room so I can hear him , would this be an idea ?

If it’s not coming through on the monitor then I can’t believe he’s making much noise at all. Monitors pick up every little noise and certainly would pick up screaming shouting and banging. Are you both exceptionally deep sleepers and might sleep through that kind of noise on the monitor??

Or you think their “4am” is actually 5.30 perhaps? And their “screaming” is his chatting?

Or is there another possible source of noise- house the other side?

Should we be getting him up the moment he wakes? He is utterly incapable of amusing himself most of the time so it is really the only time he gets to chill. The other issue is that our house is 3 floors and there is a different flat next to us on each floor, so if we got him up we risk pissing someone off.

We have just complained about their friends who are frequent cannabis users, I dont want to think that's relevant because I don't like the idea that we are being discussed but the timing seems odd

I'm a combination of mortified, embarrassed and feeling utterly negligent.

Oh you are all so nice. Thank you.

@Kittykat93 we have a video monitor and use it religiouslyexcept the night DH forgot to charge it ffs

No not a deep sleeper, I'm consleeping with DD so chance would be a fine thing

I doubt very much you haven't heard him. Suspect that the neighbour has heard him on some occasions when he has woken early. It's annoying to be woken by other peoples noise but it's unavoidable with babies/children sometimes.
Apologize, ask them to speak to you if it's a problem.
Don't worry about it too much.

Although, if he is making a racket from 5.40-6 then yes, you should get up with him. He will eventually sleep a bit longer.

Your neighbour is exaggerating. Our toddler bangs his cot against the wall repeatedly when he wakes up. He can go from asleep to banging in about 10 seconds. We go get him if he is doing this, sometimes like yours he just chats away happily to himself and we leave him to it a while.

I heard next doors toddler at it at 5am this morning. Screaming and shouting to get up. It wouldn't occur to me to get mad at the parents, I just felt sorry for them, and relieved that it wasn't my own at that hour.

You're not failing or doing anything wrong.

No way can they hear him if you can't even hear him!!! As a PP mentioned...a woman's ear gets particularly sensitive when she becomes a mother! AND if you're cosleeping your brain is on even higher alert.

I think this might be more closely related to you raising a complaint about the weed unfortunately so I'd just crack on and let DS continue his normal routine

It sounds like maybe they are harking back to the time when he was against the wall and banging ... and the timing is due to the complaint you made.

If you’re confident he’s now just chatting and burbling happily then I’d say leave him to it. That kind of noise can be blocked by earplugs. If he’s shouting then you do need to get up with him though.

Thanks. No I would never leave him distressed and I'm upset that he may have been!

4 months ago I would have agreed with PP but since having my second, I've stopped hearing my older DD in the night despite her being in the room next door. My DH is on toddler watch so he gets up with her and I've been genuinely shocked to discover he's been up loads in the night. I wake for every cough, sniffle or fart from the baby though.

That said, it's probably more to do with complaining about their weed smoking mates.

I think its HIGHLY unlikely that you, a parent, hasnt heard any 'shouting, screaming and banging' in the same house yet a neighbour has heard all that through a wall. Im calling bullshit! The neighbour was blowing it out of proportion.

Thanks. We have been uber vigilant this morning and the moment he said 'I dropped bear' (so cute) DH went up.

We lived here without any neighbours for 2 years while they extended and converted next door into 4 flats. The disruption was awful, including us getting broken into because they left scaffolding up needlessly, but actually its possibly worse now. We've one with a barky dog, one who smokes cannabis all the time and now this.

We always planned on moving to a detached house but I think we will be doing that sooner than planned. I know this is small beer in the grand scheme but at the moment i dont feel comfortable in my own home.

How annoying. They are definitely exaggerating - bet once it was near 4am but the rest of the times were the later times you said. You've not failed or ignored him, don't let them doubt you. You can only apologise and you've moved the cot, don't worry now.