Inappropriate behaviour in a 9 year old

[lemonstartree]

This weekend I was babysitting for my brother and his wife

My brother rang me today and said that my eldest son (just 9) had been telling his cousins (girl 6 and boy 4) all about 'mating', and more alarmingly had been trying to get them to let him touch their bottoms and put his finger 'in' . Apparently he also does this to my 5 year old ds2.

I have asked ds1 about this and he completely denies it

I dont believe him ; I dont see why two seperate children should make something like this up, also ds2 tels me it is true

I have asked him to go to his bedroom and consider this, but feel really stuck

help

I am on my own as my h left 3 months ago (for being verbally and physically abusive )

Thanks for all your replies

He is now saying 'if this were true....' as I have been very clear with him that I believe his cousins and that denying it is not going to make me change my mind.

He is clearly aware that what he has done is wrong and I have explained to him that its normal to have feelings of curiosity, and normal to like to touch yourself but that it is not ok to do this with other children.

To clarifty a bit I dont think it was finger up bum, rather touching bottom cheeks.

I have alos asked ds2 to let me know if this happens agai - but have not old ds1 I have d/w ds2.....

I have been completely calm and explained that I will love him whatever, but I have also been quite firm and refused to accept his denials...

I honestly do not think he is/has been abused... Icant think of whwre this could have happened.....he does go to a rugby club but the parens are alwas with the boys and otherwise he is only ever with close family ( and I know abuse is common in close family but I really think I would have noticed)

god this parenting thing is hard.....

Oh well done lemonstartree, it sounds like you're being calm and decisive. Sorry to talk in shorthand (bedtime) but bottom cheeks seems different to me - altho I wasn't sure that finger up was necessarily something to be very very worried about.
Good luck. I think everything to do with children's sexuality is really really hard to know you're doing right, iyswim.

umm
lemon. As someone who was abused by two family members what exactly is it that you think you would have noticed. I was abused whilst in a house with many siblings, a loving mum and dad and i even shared a bedroom for goodness sake.
i also would have done anything, ANYTHING to prevent my 'secret' coming out as my abusers had completely convinced me that if i ever told I would be taken away from my parents, we would all be split up and it would be all my fault.
Don't get me wrong. i am not saying this issue arises from abuse. But i am saying that this stuff genuinely happens in homes without anyone who would stop it being any the wiser. An abused child may appear affectiith their abuser and may actively assist in concealing what is happening.
My first strategy with my kids has been to insist that if anyone ever tells them that something is a secret they must imediately tell me.
Again - i stress - I am not suggesting abuse but please don't be deceived about what family usually 'know'

Lemon-- sounds as if you have been very calm and clear about it.

Let's Talk About Sex is IMO a very good, informative book, if you feel you need to discuss things any further with him. It's probably aimed more at slightly older children, but you could start to use some bits of it now, if it seemed appropriate.

good grief - my post sounds a little confrontational - didn't mean that at all. sorry lemon !!!!!

pagwatch you didn't sound confrontational at all imo.

For myself I hope I didn't sound like I was saying 'stuff and nonsense' to the idea that it could have been something more worrying. Very sorry if so, esp to those who've been abused.

lemonstartree?
Will you let us know how things pan out?

Boys can/do get weird ideas and curiosities about that sort of thing at that sort of age (yes, I'm a bloke). What you do need to nip in the bud is his behaviour towards the younger kids, probably by sussing out what he does know, and what he doesn't know about sex, and then filling in the appropriate gaps in what he doesn't know (within reason). God that was a crap sentence, but it is late...

I think I'm trying to say that if he's well informed, knows what to expect and knows it's unacceptable to behave as he has been, it'll blow over pretty quickly.

The use of the word "mating" makes it sound to me like something he's seen/heard/read. And even though my mum started on the "talks" at a very early age with me, I thought that babies came out of your bottom for quite a long time (possible reason for the bum thing).

Agree though, that this is giving you an ideal opportunity to speak to both your dcs about secrets and being able to say no if someone touches them in a way they don't like etc.

yes to what everyone is saying, it could be something but could just as easily be nothing

I can remember asking to touch a boys willy when I was about 7/8, in return he touched me (both were just a touch)

Isn't age 9 when sex education starts? My nephew is delighted in telling us what he is learning and that we should all be using condoms!

Sounds like you are doing everything you can to get to the bottom of it though, well done for being so level headed

Hi, you arre doing great talking to him. Carry on talking and you'll know at some point if you need professional assistance.

Lots of good advice here.

Just want to add, might just be that he's hanging out with the wrong crowd and hearing/seing innapropriate language scenes (even porn?). I'm thinking teenage neighbors/cousins/at rugby practice etc...

thanks everyone

I have ordered the 'lets talk abot sex' book; and we need to have some more talks.

spoke again to my SIL last night; they are pretty coolaout it I think, andrecognse that it is experimentation (at least I think so) Does not make it acceptable with the younger children, and he needs to understand that,

That all sounds great.
Hope all turns out well - your SIL certainly sounds good - can I swop you