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Original poster

To feel sad I'll have only 1 child

29 replies

Botoxtime · 26/01/2021 23:43

I thought I was ok about it but I'm not. I'm 34 and single. Fertility issues but have 1 child whose 3. My ex is hard work and no one else wants me. I know they're are pros to one but I'm sad he'll be on his own. I imagined having 2 but seems it's not to be.

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Original poster
Botoxtime · 27/01/2021 07:05

Anyone?

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Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear · 27/01/2021 07:12

You might want to check out the only child section and the thread on there about the positive things about having an only. However it is fine to feel sad and to take some time to grieve for the family you wanted to have. I would set an end date and allow yourself that sadness until then and then after that you do your best to focus on the positives (of which there are many) :)

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Botoxtime · 27/01/2021 07:52

Ok

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biscuit13 · 27/01/2021 09:34

@Botoxtime I disagree that the previous poster, you can set and end date and after that your feelings will be gone?!
Im sorry that things have not worked out how you imagined. Its hard, not exactly the same but I had my first baby nearly 12 weeks ago do ive spent my whole pregnancy and now maternity so far in lockdowns, definitely not how I imagined with my first baby :( so I get it, the disappointment and grieving for a time and future you won't have.
Have you considered a sperm donar if you really want another? My cousin went for it and her little boy is now a gorgeous 2 year old. Might not be for you but maybe something to think about.
Other than that, be kind to yourself and let yourself feel these emotions, I imagine there will always be a little part of you that thinks "if only" but it sounds like you have a lovely 3 year old who you can give everything to and it'll be you and him together ❤

biscuit13 · 27/01/2021 09:35

*meant to say you CAN'T set an end date.

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 27/01/2021 09:51

I agree. Setting an end date for feelings is ridiculous.

Maybemay123 · 27/01/2021 10:36

I was in a similar position and went down the fertility route using doner sperm (now have 3 dc due to conceiving twins). Because I had fertility issues I'd gone down that route with dc1 anyway which made it slightly easier.
I did give myself a limit of 5 rounds of treatment (not as an end date but more of I had to set a time line for the roller-coaster of emotions /physical side effects /financial impact/impact on dc1).
Its definitely been worth it (my youngest are now 11) but at the time it was hard work having 3 under 4 as a working single parent.
I don't think you should think it's not going to happen ever but you probably need to be proactive about what you want to do (I also looked into adoption).

Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear · 27/01/2021 10:56

@Letsallscreamatthesistene

I agree. Setting an end date for feelings is ridiculous.
Appreciate that people disagree and it doesn't work for everyone but it was suggested to me in CBT and I found it very helpful. It's not that the feelings never arise after that date but you don't give them space. I have found it very effective and it isn't ridiculous for everyone.
SausagePourHomme · 27/01/2021 11:04

Every time i feel a little sad about having one, i think of the sacrifices i would have to make to have another. Sleep, money, worry x2, not being able to take holidays we enjoy, starting again with all the baby equipment, plastic toys, çbeebies, baby classes (hated them), oh and sleep again!

Original poster
Botoxtime · 27/01/2021 13:57

I dont want to go via the sperm donor route so my options are nil

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Namechange8471 · 27/01/2021 14:15

Op you could still meet someone if you wanted to, you're only 34!

Ragwort · 27/01/2021 14:18

At 43 surely your options are not 'nil' - that's a very defeatist attitude.

I have an 'only DC' by choice - I was 43 when he was born, personally I have never, ever regretted just having one child - or being an 'older' mother. I understand that everyone is different but I assure you there are lots of positives to having an 'only' DC.

Original poster
Botoxtime · 27/01/2021 14:23

I'm 34 ragwort
Every man I meet isnt nice. I dont want to be trapped again

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Namechange8471 · 27/01/2021 14:27

Well either accept you'll have an only child or stop moaning and do something about it.

Join dating sites, look into adoption, fostering etc.

By the way I'm an only child and I love it.

Tucancrossing · 27/01/2021 14:28

Plenty of time to meet someone at 34! Sperm donor, adoption...

Original poster
Botoxtime · 27/01/2021 14:28

I've been on dating sites. they're foul.

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Tucancrossing · 27/01/2021 14:30

You can't have everything 😬 you don't want to be in a relationship but you don't want to conceive via a sperm donor but you don't want an only child... you need to decide which of these you're the most happy to accept!

Original poster
Botoxtime · 27/01/2021 14:31

I'd like to be in a normal relationship but that appears too much to ask

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buzzandwoodyallday · 27/01/2021 14:33

I met my partner when I was 35 and had our DC at 38 and 39. You've got plenty of time op.

Santaiscovidfree · 27/01/2021 14:35

I met dh at 42 and had a dc at 43...awful relationships do have lasting effect op... But don't underestimate the chance of meeting a decent man.

boymum9 · 27/01/2021 14:35

I have 2 children and am a single parent now but I'd like to put in my opinion... (but don't get me wrong, I do love my second child a lot and wouldn't now change it for the world, I am very grateful to have him)
BUT
With one child it's a different dynamic, when I had just one we had (still have) a wonderful bond, we did so much together and things were very peaceful and calm. I enjoyed all my focus being on him and the little things we could do together, easier for days out, trips, anything really.
When I had another I found it incredibly tough (and still do 3.5 years later). The bond ds1 and I have is not as strong because so much focus has been on ds2 for so long because he's so much harder work. I'm infinitely more tired and stressed out with 2 than I was with 1, probably because he is hard work. For years we've done less trips and days out and things ds1 would enjoy because it's just a nightmare (will change I know as ds2 gets older). There's never really a moment of calm. I feel like I'm missing out on giving myself entirely to each of them, I'd like to walk home from school with ds1 and give him full attention and chat about his day rather than spend most the time focusing on ds2 and worrying he's going to fall over/scoot into the road etc.
If you can't have another child, I can only suggest to try and enjoy all the wonderful things you can experience with one child, all the love and attention you can solely give that child.

spidermomma · 27/01/2021 14:38

@Botoxtime

I'm 34 ragwort Every man I meet isnt nice. I dont want to be trapped again
If thats the case then you'd be happy to go via the sperm doner route and cut out the man and extra hassle

You do have a bad attitude to it though
Just because your single and have fertility issues doesn't mean you can't have more children. You can also adopt a child

You don't always need a man but I would be greatful you have 1 healthy child anyway.

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 27/01/2021 15:01

So you really want a functioning relationship more than a baby? Thats fine, but not being in a relationship isnt a reason to not have a baby these days

Ragwort · 27/01/2021 18:21

Sorry, I wrote your age wrong, I did realise you are 34.

I guess it's difficult to meet any men at the moment with Covid restrictions but there are nice men around, just maybe avoid some of the dating sites and try and meet men the 'old fashioned' way.

Ghostella · 27/01/2021 18:41

I think you’re goi by to have to work out your priorities: what would make you the happiest in the long run? Having another child? If that really is your number 1 priority then you should consider alternative routes. It sounds as though your number 1 priority is actually finding a relationship though, which is different. If that’s the case, focus on that instead and plough your energy into meeting as many new people as possible (granted that’s very difficult during a pandemic though). Getting upset about every single avenue, dream or wish unfulfilled in life is surely a recipe for unhappiness. Just focus on what’s most important to you first, one thing at a time. I hope things work out for you.