Baby crying advice!

[NatalieP92]

So I'm a first time mum to my 7 week old son. I have a friend who is also a 1st time mum who had her son 2 months before me. We were talking the other day and she mentioned that she tries to never let him get to the point of crying and you should certainly never leave them to cry because it's really bad for them and can affect their brains. I don't know if my son cries more than most (he definitely cried a lot at the beginning due to having colic) but I really have noticed since this conversation that I'm not always able to soothe him quickly and I'm now getting anxiety that I'm a bad mum! I take him and our dog out for a walk every morning and whilst I'm getting ready and getting the dog ready etc he does cry in his pram and so now everytime I go to take him out I get knots in my stomach!
I'm probably just a sleep deprived and overly anxious first time mum but could someone please just reassure me that I'm not harming my baby by not being able to stop him crying sometimes!

[lockdownpregnancy]

OP I've never heard of any mom that has been able to pre-empt their baby from crying and therefore they don't cry! Bravo to anyone that does.
You sound like a normal mom to me. Every baby cries and sometimes it takes longer to soothe them than others.
You're not damaging them because you cannot soothe your baby straight away.
Try not to get worked up too much when going out for a walk. I do exactly the same thing every day as we have a dog too and it does really help with the anxiety, as I've always suffered with it.
You're doing a great job ❤️

[NatalieP92]

Thank you so much for your reply. I've always struggled with anxiety and so do tend to worry over every little thing. Thank you you've made me feel better. He sometimes cries for a few minutes throughout the walk but for the most part he just sleeps and it really does make me feel so much better once we've been out but he does get in quite a state when I put him in the pram initially and even though it doesn't ever last longer than 5 or 10 minutes ever since speaking to my friend I've been seriously freaking out about it!

[YRGAM]

Your friend is wrong. Babies cry, that's just what they do. Don't worry!

[RickyDad]

When my DD was tiny a family doctor once said that we should actually let her cry for a little while before trying to soothe because crying actually exercises certain muscles and veins. So we would always let her cry for a few mins before trying to soothe her.
Then we had a son and we quickly realised that he was using crying as a tactic because my wife would attend him immediately as soon as he cried. He quickly learned that crying was the best way to get attention.
Crying is only bad when it is associated with some sort of trauma and as a parent, you will quickly learn the different types of crying. At least, for my kids, we learned that crying due to colic was different from when they were cold and yet different from crying for attention.
At times we would let them cry for longer when it was a call for attention. Babies brain is very good at figuring out what makes the parents twitch and they learn this very quickly.
My daughter is now 11 and son is 7. They are both lovely and nothing bad has happened to them because of crying.

[RickyDad]

Oh, and the initial tantrum when you put him in pram could be related to boredom. If your son is active and likes running around then he would feel restrained in the pram. Not able to move around or run around especially if you go for long walks (I am assuming because you are taking your dog) could be reasons that he may not like to sit in the pram.
I would suggest to take him out for really short walks. Start with going out for just 5 mins and see if that makes any difference. Initially, you can also reward him for sitting in the pram. If it starts to make any difference then gradually increase the time.
Never ever have the slightest doubt that you are a bad mum. There is no such thing as a bad mum. All mums are lovely.

[Ticklemynickel]

I've got a toddler & newborn, one of them always seems to be crying! I think we always want to attend quickly to our children's needs but it's good recognise that sometimes it's not always possible to fix the problem or soothe them instantly.

[N4ish]

'Crying exercises certain muscles and veins' - have to say I'm very sceptical about this. And of course babies cry to get attention, they have absolutely no other way of communicating when they're in distress of some sort!

Don't worry OP, your baby will be fine. A few minutes crying from boredom or frustration as you get ready to go out won't do any harm at all.

[Rockettrain]

I have a friend whose entire parenting philosophy seems to be centred around the idea of never letting her DC be upset AT ALL. It seems to dictate most of her decisions, she appears to cater entirely to his every whim and desire and actually seems almost unhealthily obsessed with the idea that he must NEVER be sad or upset. Now obviously any good parent wants to try to make their baby happy but I think you can go way too far. A bit of grizzling for a couple of minutes while you get ready to go out is not going to do him any harm at all. Also just think about if you had other children - you wouldn’t always be able to immediately attend to each ones needs as one of the others might need something at the same time. It’s a normal part of parenting and will not hurt your DC at all.

[firstimemamma]

I think what your friend means is babies who are just left to cry for ages and ages. Your baby can tell that you're trying to comfort and care so even if it's not hitting the mark and the crying still goes on, I think the fact you're with them and trying still goes a long way. Sounds like you're doing well and as pp have said some babies do just cry. Well done and please don't let your friend make you feel bad

[firstimemamma]

@Rockettrain I know someone like this. Ds is a toddler now and they can 'never say no to him'. He routinely stays up into the early hours of the morning playing with his favourite toys and if he wakes at 3am asking for food the parents get up and make him whatever he's asking for. Exhausting and totally not the way things are done in my house! Some children are in for a huge shock when something comes along like nursery or a new sibling and it's not fair on them imo.

[Rockettrain]

@firstimemamma sounds pretty similar. It particularly annoys me as she will talk about it as a ‘need’ eg. “Oh DC needs to watch their favourite film every morning before we can go out to do anything” as if saying no would somehow harm their development. And it also implies like she is being this superior parent because she “always tries to meet their needs”. I’m sorry but that is not a need, that is a want, and it is just a fact of life that we can’t always have everything we want (and it’s not healthy to always have everything we want). She will even let them do stuff like go out in hot weather without sun cream because it makes them cry having to have it on! I try to keep mine happy as much as I can (and hey I’m totally in favour of picking your battles and having an easy life) but some stuff is non negotiable.

[firstimemamma]

@Rockettrain couldn't agree more!

[OhWifey]

Babies crying for attention is absolutely valid. How on earth else are they supposed to say 'I need a cuddle Mummy'. Likewise 'just for comfort' really gets my back up. I sometimes ask for attention just for comfort. Mother's body is all tiny babies have known. It is terrifying to be separated. And in cultures where tiny babies are constantly carried and fed on demand, there is very very little crying.

[LikeTheOceansWeRise]

As a PP said I'm sure that she meant leaving your baby to cry and cry for ages, not leaving them to grizzle while you go for a wee! Plus your baby is bound to cry more than hers as they are a newborn. Her baby is past the fourth trimester and crying usually massively reduces once they get past those tough first 3 months. Plus every baby is different, and will cry different amounts.

Please don't let it get to you OP! X

[dementedpixie]

@RickyDad

Oh, and the initial tantrum when you put him in pram could be related to boredom. If your son is active and likes running around then he would feel restrained in the pram. Not able to move around or run around especially if you go for long walks (I am assuming because you are taking your dog) could be reasons that he may not like to sit in the pram.
I would suggest to take him out for really short walks. Start with going out for just 5 mins and see if that makes any difference. Initially, you can also reward him for sitting in the pram. If it starts to make any difference then gradually increase the time.
Never ever have the slightest doubt that you are a bad mum. There is no such thing as a bad mum. All mums are lovely.

Her baby is 7 weeks old!
He's not running anywhere

[NatalieP92]

Thanks for your replies they have made me feel better. I do my best to comfort him ASAP and me ormy husband (when he's not at work) will hold him during the day and all his naps are on us apart from at night where he sleeps happily next to me. It really is mostly just going to a walk, he hates being in the pram to begin with and he also hates being in a carrier so I don't feel I can win with it!