Am I being unreasonable to partner??

[Samchelle11]

Hi I'm new here, I just need to vent and get some other opinions on wether I am being manipulated or unreasonable. Sorry for the long post.

Me and my partner seperated a week ago, in the past 7 years he's never changed a nappy, fed his child, put her to bed, got up with her in the night or mornings. He sits on the PlayStation all day to the point where I have to come downstairs after he's went to bed to ensure he's closed blinds and turned everything off! PlayStation, phone and beer are all he seems to care about! If I have to go someone I have to ask my parents or his to babysit as he ignores her all day!

This week she went out to his house, he lives now with his mum and our daughter did not see him at all both times as he was in his room playing the PlayStation the whole night then slept the next day. It was his mum that looked after her! There's alot more that's happened between me and him over the years that has lead to alot of trust issues, he cheated years ago, caught on tinder etc! We broke up a year ago over him not being a dad and when we got back together he was good for about 2 months then back to his ways again! He's telling me that I expect to much off him and that I'm a perfectionist over protecting when it comes to parenting, so is he turning this around to blame me or am I out of line? Please someone help, am I throwing my family away because of how I am or am I doing the right thing!

You are absolutely doing the right thing. How he’s acting is not normal! Sounds like a lazy teenager/child. Does he work? or just sit around all day! You are well shot!

Don’t be ridiculous! He’s a textbook example of a waste of sperm. Don’t give him a second thought. You already wasted 7 years of your life on him. Kneel down, kiss the ground and thank your god that you have finally seen sense and gotten rid. I wouldn’t be going out of my way to send my child to see him either.

Yeh he works Monday to Friday, his money is his money! He would pass me about 80 a month to get what I need to for her and that was only because I told him I needed help a sim paying for a house, shopping, bills etc! I don't love him anymore, and Havnt in a long time! He's never treated me well, would book nights away for us both then sit and get drunk and he's so rude when he's drunk! Our daughter came home yesterday asking me why he's not like a normal dad. I tried for so long so try and get him to build a relationship with her and he thinks his parenting is fine! He's never done anything remotely like a father! I feel like such a doormat and I feel awful for our daughter! Thank you for replying, I suffer anxiety and I just needed some clarity

Well at least you’ll be able to get CMS if he’s working full time. And it will be more than £80 a month! Put that claim in tomorrow.

Probably just as well his mother cares for your DD when she's there, he couldn't be trusted to. And yes, get a CMS claim in ASAP.

Yes cms would help alot but for now all I want if for him to be a dad to her, she's such a sensitive little soul, she's honestly so amazing. His mum is super, she just dotes on her I would never stop her going there. I just feel so alone right now, I've felt alone for the past 7 years, the only reason I stayed was for our daughter and probably because it was comfortable. I just don't understand how he cannot act like a father, he wanted another baby, marriage the works and I said no because really he's not a dad atm or even a parter so why would I want to add to that! Sorry I know I'm rambling on a bit

I think it will be very clear to his mother where the fault lies. Put a claim in with CMS and don't give him a backward glance. If he hasn't changed having been kicked out he isn't likely to anytime soon. It doesn't sound as if he contributed much at home, at least this way you get some weekends free.

Yes cms would help alot but for now all I want if for him to be a dad to her

He won’t be. You need to let go of that dream. Otherwise you’ll spend years torturing yourself over it, waiting for the day when he wakes up and realises what he’s missing. It won’t happen. Take it from someone who spent 12 years waiting for it. Getting my Dc ready for daddy to come, only for him to not turn up, turn up late, send his girlfriend, and if he did take them, dump them on his mother, or his girlfriends mother. For my children’s sake I thought I was doing the right thing by continually pushing for him to see them. I’m really I was it’s setting them up to feel rejected week after week for years. They’ve actually had to have counselling to deal with the trauma that has caused them. Don’t do that to your DD. If he wants to see her let him make the first move and contact you to arrange a contact schedule. Otherwise, just get on with your life being the best mum you can be.

And put in that CMS claim tomorrow!

Winkingatyourage I'm so sorry you and your children had to go through that! I'm well over the fact that me and him are finished, Ive been over it emotionally for a very long time! His mum agrees with me thought I wish she would push him a bit! We are not in contact at all, the last I said to him was to go to therapy to work on how he can actually be a dad. How did you get over the loneliness though, I feel like I'm going to be alone forever, I have one local friend who is married with her own family my other friends have extremely busy live and live far far away

It is very lonely, I won’t lie to you. I have been on my own for ten years now. But it is a million times easier to parent alone than parent with a dead weight who undermines you at every opportunity.

It’s hard right now because of covid but in normal times you build your own network. Have play dates for your Dd and invite the mums over, I’ve made lots of friends through school. Get involved in community things, hobbies etc. It sounds like your ex’s mum is happy to have your DD so you will have some free time to develop your own hobbies and social circle.

I don't know why I'm worrying about feeling lonely because I have done the past 7 years! It's hard to understand how deadbeats cannot see what is right infront of them. Thank you so much for replying

It’s worth remembering that even thought you wanted to leave, you’re still going through a grieving process and an adjustment period. You’re going to have wobbly moments where you miss him and wonder if you’ve done the right thing. That’s normal. When that happens just remind yourself of what the last 7 years have been like and know that this is who he is. He won’t change if you get back with him.

This man will NEVER be a proper dad to your daughter. He has had seven years and he’s succeeded in doing nothing but prove his uselessness.

But a CMS claim in ASAP and stop wasting your time on him. He is not worth it. I’m a single parent to toddler twins and my ex husband is also incapable of being any sort of decent dad. Funnily enough he says similar about he having unrealistic expectations This is despite both his family and mine having confirmed with me that they don’t think the way he treats his children is normal.

I know it is hard and I sympathise The truth sets you free though and the truth is that this man is a waste of your time.