Almost 3 year old boy potty training troubles

[WingingItEveryDay7]

I'm hoping someone has had a similar experience and can offer some advice.

My son will be 3 in February and we've tried potty training a few times since he turned 2. We've recently had another bash and he seemed far more into the idea. We lasted 15 days until it all just became too much for me and I had to put him back into nappies during the day.

I feel quite like a failure and know that it will take time for him to learn but after having a couple of really bad days, combined with being stuck at home because of lockdown and not leaving the house except for a weekly shop I just broke.

We started off bare bum for a week, with regular trips to the toilet (he has steps and a seat which he much preferred). We gradually increased the time between trips but would go earlier if there was an obvious sign he needed to go. It goes without saying there were odd accidents. We put him in 'big boy pants' in week two and he seemed to really like these, plus it meant he wouldn't get carpet burn anymore!!

We managed to get toilet trips down to every hour, but sometimes he'd need to go more. Sometimes when the alarm went off he'd happily stop what he was doing but other times have a proper whinge about going and throw himself on the floor.

He became good at holding his bladder if he started to wee and realised he was doing so, so that we could dash to the toilet for him to finish. It often resulted in just changing pants with no mess so we were hopeful of this sign.

It got to the stage though that if I left him for even 5 minutes to do something he would use that time to pee on the floor and carry on playing. I'd only know if I ether saw the puddle or him. He wouldn't tell me. The final day that broke me he did this about 6 times and i had to change him about 10.. I was even in the room twice when he just either stood or sat and wee'd, and happily watched himself do it. After the early success I just don't understand why he would sit/stand and watch himself??

I've tried so hard to keep my cool and brush it all off as an accident but when he would do it 'on purpose' I did snap at him.

We're going to try again in a couple of weeks time, I'm not mentally ready to try again yet.

I've been told boys are lazy and often take longer than girls, but all the boys in my NCT group are far more ahead and I just don't know how to help my son understand when he needs to go or to tell us he needs help to go.

Please help!

Read the oh crap method - no taking him to the toilet/potty unless he needs to go. When he is ready for clothes back on make sure they are loose and no undies. Ignore her stuff in nighttime training as it’s ridiculous.

Is there a reason he has to be potty trained now? I don't mean this as a guilt trip but he's still so young and it doesn't sound like he's ready. Personally I always think it's better to leave them alone until they're properly ready and fully understand. People seem so keen to get their kids trained but imo if you have to train them then it's not the right time for them to be out of nappies.

Mine was in nappies till reception year day time and till 8 years overnight.

She got dry when she was ready

I agree with merry. My first wasn't ready until nearly 4 after months of tears and failure. I decided not to repeat that mistake with no 2. In the end after me refusing to let him try he just took off the nappy and went to the toilet. He was 3. They are all different.

Is your DS dressed? My DD couldn’t seem to control it at all if she had underwear on, but did well naked. We ended up keeping her naked as much as possible for another week or more and then we went to baggy trousers with no underwear and then probably took a month to get into underwear. Looking back it wasn’t long at all, but it felt like forever at the time.

Might also be best to just take a step back and hold off for a few months if he’s not getting it. You can’t force them and it’s better not to make it a battle of wills

Also neither of my kids needed to go hourly after the first couple of days. And my DS got very annoyed by constantly being told to go. So perhaps allow him to trust in his body more and try and find natural times in the day, like before meals and leaving the house or whatever. Or if it’s been 2 hours and he hasn’t been

I hated potty training so good luck!!

Why don’t you leave a potty or to around the place where he can easily get to it when he needs too?

If ds had been barebum he would have wee'd everywhere. We put him in pants and heavy absorbant joggers so when he did it, it didn't feel nice. It meant lots of washing for the first week but it worked. Also a potty in the living room/upstairs loo for quick access and he didn't feel he had to leave what he was doing. We then moved to the big toilet after he had been reliable on the potty for a week.

If he's not ready don't force it, wait until he's interested as it's much easier. DD was 2.5 when she woke up one day and refused point blank to wear a nappy. I told her she had to wear big girl pants instead and that was it. She had frequent accidents for around 6 months but had been fine ever since, although she's still not dry at night and she's 6 next month.

DS was 3 in December. Will happily use the toilet/potty if you ask him but has no interest in potty training at all. We have big boy pants ready but he refuses point blank to wear them. I'll keep suggesting it at regular intervals but until he's interested I'm in no rush to do it as I know it will just cause stress all round.

We stopped and started several times over 3 months. The last time we started was successful. If it’s stressful, stopping and starting is fine. I trained my boy in pull ups, it was far less stressful when he had an accident. He was trained by 2 years and 8 months.

It’s MUCH MUCH easier in the summer. Give him a raisin/chocolate button if he pees in the loo, but otherwise just keep him in pull ups/nappy pants. Give him something bigger if he poos in the loo. We had a dance. Otherwise honestly just wait for summer.

This is how we trained @5zeds. But pooh was ice cream- needless to say he pooh trained first 🤣

I didn't try with either of my boys until they turned 3, and it was a pretty quick (a week or two) process with both. That might just have been luck! But I think being older helped a bit.

I've say stop and try again later point after 3. Both my boys were potty trained within days when they were ready to be (one just 3, one 3 and a few months) when we tried earlier they just didn't want to and it was a struggle.
Overnight one was in pull ups until over 4 and the other until soon after being potty train during the day, but I let them lead on that and just stopped the pull ups when they were dry over night for a while

Thank you everyone.

I've seen mixed reviews about the Oh crap book and to be honest, I give any books about children a wide birth now. If I've learnt anything it's that they're all very different and books just give you anxiety (just wish midwives and health visitors remembered that too!)

I really wanted him to be well on the way before he's due to start pre-school in April. They have the door open all day so they can go in and out so he has to be wearing enough to stay warm..... If he's still learning it'll just make things awkward for him. Maybe I'm just over thinking it?

I ask him if he wants to wear a nappy or pants and he tells me a nappy, but he's also very happy to sit on the toilet. I do have potty's upstairs and down, as well as toilet seats upstairs and down so he's plenty of options available.

I think I'll leave him for a bit longer and try again. I had hoped to start last summer so he could just run about naked in the garden but with lockdown and having to work from home my usual child care arrangement went out the window and therefore so did any hope of toilet training.

I'd love for him to decide he's ready to be a big boy and just do it but I can't see it being that easy!

@WingingItEveryDay7

I’d say get that date of April out of your mind as that will just put pressure, and therefore stress on you and him.

My little boy when we first tried just kept peeing his pants oblivious. He was 2.5 so we stopped and started again.

Then he was making it to the potty quite a bit (we used pull ups) but he was going 16 times a day-10 times in potty and about 6 times in pull up. So we stopped and started again.

Then he was weeing 10 times a day which was better and he got better in his pull ups so we changed to his training pants.. he was having one accident a day for about two weeks. I can’t tell you the amount of people on here who said he wasn’t ready, but then suddenly he just got it and he was completely dry (both day and night) for 3/4 months until very recently. He’s now having a small regression (which we thought he was over a week ago). He’s just doing little dribbles when he needs a wee. But he wees bout 5 times a day now. I know he will get over this soon and it’s just a stage.

My point is that suddenly he just got it, and you’d be surprised at how suddenly that happens.

The nursery that I am sending him to made it very clear there was no rush to train him and they would support no matter what. That’s when I looked round in September and he’ll also be going in April. I’d try not to worry too much about nursery

Both my boys were about 3.5 before they were potty trained. He is too young IMO

I think before 3 boys are often just not ready. I would leave it three months at least - maybe until the early summer as it’s SO much less stressful to do in the garden with potty and chocolate buttons.

I strongly recommend oh crap book and giving it a try for at least a fortnight - ideally three weeks as it takes a good while for them to start to get it

I also think you should leave it for a bit. I've seen children train successfully at a wide range of ages, and my conclusion is that when they are ready, the process is quick and painless. When they are not ready, it will be stressful, messy and tedious.

He's not yet 3 so there is no panic. Give it a few months and save your floors.

There’s an interview on this podcast with a toilet training expert that might be worth a listen. She breaks it down really well, and discusses a lot of different problems that occur, but more than that she was just so incredibly calm and sensible about the whole thing. I know you say that the books give you anxiety but this might be easier going.

Thought I would pop back on with an update for you as I took on board everything that was said 😊

My son started preschool in April and on the first day did a wee on the toilet. I think he liked the idea of the smaller loos. He stayed in nappies as he wasn't showing interest and we didn't want to confuse his new routine. Roll on to June. He announced one morning that he needed a wee after waking up, and so I asked him what he wanted to wear, nappies or big boy pants. Ever since he's worn pants during the day and it's been so much easier than previous attempts. Obviously there were accidents, but we decided to wait for him to realise and throw away the timers. Today is day 2 of zero accidents! Night time is random. We had a 7 day stint of dry pull ups recently but a few wet nights lately.

If only you could see into the future to know when to chill out 🙈

Thanks to all who took the time to offer advice, it was much appreciated! x

So I had a similar thing with my DD. We tried potty training and she wasn't ready. Then we tried again when she was about 2.5-3. I can't quite remember but she was fine at home but in the mornings my sister in law (a nanny) looked after her. We had to leave the house at 6.50am and get a train and bus and I would get her there just in time for her Aunty to do the school run. Often she'd have an accident and there'd be no time to change her so it just got stressful for everyone. In the end I did nappy free afternoons in the house and gradually started taking her places in the afternoon where we had time to find a toilet. She cracked it at 3.4 years and was dry at night soon after. We did have a withholding poo issue for a good while after that. But my point is do what works for you. I was told not to do half nappy half potty but if I hadn't she would probably still be wearing nappies now and I will never know if the poo problem was because I tried to force it too early but I know it's quite common with kids. Good luck!

Sorry I didn't see your update! Just to add she did go through a phase of holding wee in a preschool then the minute we got out and waited for the bus she'd wee herself so there was a lot of going into the bushes to change. It's a stressful time.

Some of my friends who had successfully trained theirs earlier have actually admitted to issues with accidents still or having to fight them to go to the toilet still. My son is happy to use the toilet and rushes off to use it so I'm glad I took a big step back in January after thinking that he was 'behind'. I'm definitely thinking now that by rushing them you can actually do more harm than good! Glad to be done with nappies though! He was getting far too big to change easily when out and about 😂

Hey, I'm here to offer support and ready for some gasps, that my DS is 3 and 5 months and not toilet trained at all!
So in the spring last year i bought a potty just to have it really and for DS to just get used to seeing it, and when he came home on the day I had bought it, he went to it immediately which was a good sign. He would after thar day, stand over it, sit on it etc, and I just thought it would be easy when the time came for him to actually start using it properly. But we had housing problems and were waiting to move, and lots of stuff going on with ex who was abusive. And didn't persevere, we moved and it was the first time I had lived on my own and taken on everything on my own with child to take care of, which at one point contact was stopped with father, so I really was struggling, and did not concentrate on things like toilet training. Fast forward to May and my DS joined nursery, and I feel stupid that he is still in nappy pants. Nursery have said they will help but only going by what I am doing at home. I don't know where to start!

@Redruby2020

Hey, I'm here to offer support and ready for some gasps, that my DS is 3 and 5 months and not toilet trained at all! So in the spring last year i bought a potty just to have it really and for DS to just get used to seeing it, and when he came home on the day I had bought it, he went to it immediately which was a good sign. He would after thar day, stand over it, sit on it etc, and I just thought it would be easy when the time came for him to actually start using it properly. But we had housing problems and were waiting to move, and lots of stuff going on with ex who was abusive. And didn't persevere, we moved and it was the first time I had lived on my own and taken on everything on my own with child to take care of, which at one point contact was stopped with father, so I really was struggling, and did not concentrate on things like toilet training. Fast forward to May and my DS joined nursery, and I feel stupid that he is still in nappy pants. Nursery have said they will help but only going by what I am doing at home. I don't know where to start!

Hey! Sounds like you've had a lot going on and definitely not a great time to start toilet training so don't beat yourself up!

We had potties and seats way before we started trying properly. Before bath we'd pop DS on the loo whilst running the bath and then again afterwards whilst tidying up. We still do this now. We didn't really push it during the day before we started properly, but the potty was in sight and he knew what it was for. We have loads of different story books which he still loves reading. We would also use the toilet ourselves with the door open so he could see and talk to us about what we're doing.

The massive turning point in all honesty was preschool! Watching other kids using the toilet was what he needed to help decide that he was ready to try. We put him in pants and trousers from day 1 this final time so that any wetness was uncomfortable and he would realise (he also had to go to preschool on day 3 so couldn't do the bare bum approach in any case!). I stopped using timers, although you may want to if it's the first time of trying? Kids are different and what works for one doesn't for another! You might want to leave it until the holidays so you don't need to worry about preschool? Hopefully the weather will be nicer too and the garden will be happy with extra watering!!

My DS is now 3 years 5 months too so 'late' compared to many.... They get there in their own time! Don't rush him and take your time. It's stressful, not gonna lie, so take deep breaths!! x