I dont think I can do this anymore

[blvdbrokendreams]

This might be long. Im sure I start all my posts like this.

I'm the mother of a healthy 5 month old baby girl. I had a very bad pregnancy and a very difficult delivery. Im diagnosed with postnatal depression and anxiety and am under the perinatal mental health team.
I just dont know if I can do this anymore. I feel guilty for not spending enough time with her. I cant sit on the floor for her too long cos of pain from the episiotomy which never healed properly. Getting someone to look at it is practically impossible. As bad as it makes me sound I find playing on the floor with her boring. My husband is so natural with her and I feel like im forced. She laughs for him so easily. She smiles a lot for me but for my husband she's all giggles. That makes me think she doesn't like me. I have these thoughts a lot.
He takes her on a night. And I take her on a morning. While he's on furlough this works for us. She just seems to be so much better for him.
We started weaning recently. Im worried about that. I dont feel like im giving her enough of the right stuff. And I find myself stressing before every meal.
Lockdown is making my mental health suffer. The phrase lets go for another walk makes me wants to cry. Bundling up a 5 month old and putting her into a pram and go for another walk. I dont want to. It hurts to walk. Again another pregnancy related problem. But staying in the house makes me feel like im climbing the walls. I've found myself going to tesco and just walking around the shop to see something else.
I dont see this getting any easier. I just think im cut out for this

Didn’t want to read and run.
Poor you, you’ve been through a huge ordeal and have medical issues still. Be kind to yourself.
Lots of people don’t enjoy the baby stage. Remember that your baby doesn’t prefer your husband to you. My baby used to give all his smiles to other people which I found a bit dispiriting. He’s older now and we can do plenty of interactive things together.
You are a new mother in a pandemic. It’s a crazy situation and you have to remind yourself these are not normal times.
Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. You can do this. One day at a time. Xx

Honestly OP that's not unusual. Playing with babies is really boring, and honestly I hardly did it. Dodmt feel that guilty either, never really crossed my mind to sit and play with them for a prolonged period. Also know what you mean about going for a walk. It's tedious when people keep telling you to get out for a walk because it will make you feel better, when actually it just gives you more work and can make you more frustrated.
If you feel really bad about all this though, try and speak to your doctor or health visitor. You may have pnd. As for the pain you are in, really push for something to be done about that. You can't just live with it and it will definitely be having an impact on your mood.

I disagree, playing with my 8 month old is not boring. I love hanging out with him, taking him for walks, meal times etc. I find myself watching videos of him when he's asleep missing him. But...I've had extremely bad days. On those bad days I've considered if I may be depressed. I definitely think you might be and you need to see a professional while you're baby is still young so you can bond properly. It can cause all sorts of emotional problems for both of you later on down the line.
I hope you get the help you need x

You can disagree all you like, bit loads of people do find it boring, so it's not that unusual.

It is boring isn't it? I lasted four and five months respectively with mine then went back to work pt. Nursery was my salvation for years. Worth every penny. It didn't really get better until they were two plus, and I wasn't prepared to risk. Y mental health and wait that long.
They're 18 and 15 now and never a moments regret. We're all bonded well enough.

Yes, you can do it. Without even knowing you, I know you can. It's common to find the early months a tedious. It is especially tedious when you are in pain, have depression and anxiety. It doesn't mean you don't love your baby, it doesn't mean you haven't got/won't have a fantastic bond with your child. Stop expecting perfection, and enjoy the little wins.

Being in a lot of pain isn't right. The odd twinge, that's one thing, but if it is still painful to walk, you need to be persistent about demanding treatment. Women's pain is historically minimised and overlooked, so do the feminist cause a favour and insist that your pain is taken seriously!

I can tell you for an absolute fact that there is no question of your daughter loving her daddy more, or of her not liking you. It's a non-issue. It might feel like it's an issue, but love isn't shared round on a % or quota basis. There is plenty of love. I'm assuming you didnt suddenly love your partner less when your baby arrived and you had to share the love around more people? No, not how it works. I have struggled with this myself, as my toddler virtually throws himself at the door with excitement when daddy comes in (even if he had only popped out to the car for 2 minutes, daddy gets a hero's welcome). And obviously daddy is absolutely hilARious. But, mummy cooks the best pancakes and knows how to play Monster. So I have my uses.

In all seriousness, have a little chat with your DP and let yourself be reassured. Parenthood was never sold as an easy ride, but it will certainly change, improve, decline again, improve again. It's a proper rollercoaster ride for the early years for most of us. And at some point you'll probably be possessed by this utterly insane idea that you want to do it all again.

Ahh OP I am mum to a 6 month old baby boy and felt exactly like this - also had some help from the perinatal team and went on meds for a few months.

I hope your time with the team is helping, keep talking to them - although I know how slow a process it is and how frustrating having to do the whole thing over video calls is.

Meds aren’t for everyone but I found they helped me through the early months and I’ve been able to come off them now.

Do get someone to look at your tear again - keep calling your doctor or insist on an in-person appointment at one of those walk in clinics.

As for babies being boring and COVID times being rubbish, I think it’s a bit of both. Given that all we can control is what we do day to day, I’ve been trying to make the most of our time inside and give our days some structure. I’ve found it has got better as my boy has started to show a little personality and respond a bit more/slowly learn new things too.

Each weekend I make a plan for the upcoming week - just 2 or 3 things to do each day (for example a live online baby class - there are lots of free ones and I’ve found it helpful just to be reminded that there are still other people in the world!, specific time to read books or sign nursery rhymes, making something (like a cake), getting a wash done, sorting through or clearing something etc. It sounds silly but even if you don’t manage it all, it helps time pass and give you a bit of a sense of purpose/achievement.

We do try to get out once a day when the weather is ok - the fresh air does help but I can understand that’s not much fun when it’s painful for you.

Babies change quickly and in a few months time I think things will look very different. Try to embrace the changes (I try to see it as an adventure rather than being terrified of the overwhelming responsibility) and look forward to sunnier times ahead - your little girl will grow and become more interactive, the weather will get better and at some point all this Covid madness will come to an end. Whatever happens I feel confident we will have more freedoms/things to do over the summer, at least. If you’re planning to go back to work at some point things will be very different then too, of course.

Sending unmumsnetty hugs - becoming a parent is a huge transition and I’m sure you are doing a brilliant job. As long as everyone is fed and warm at the end of the day, that’s all that matters. Hang in there and believe it will get better, you’ve got this.

4 dc here and christ alive i found playing with them when they were babies mind numbingly boring, I still did it but it was boring and a lot of people do find it boring. My dc have not been negatively affected by it either, they are all really well adjusted dc who I have a fab relationship with. You do however need to chase up with drs about your pain as that is not right.

You do need to remember that not only are you yourself incapacitated with pain: you are also doing your parenting during an exceptionally difficult period, such as most people have never experienced or will (hopefully) ever experience again. Do not compare yourself to those of us who never had to do the job you're doing- who knows how we would have coped! Also, do not compare yourself to your husband. You carried his child, you gave birth to it, it is your body that is taking the hit. It is lovely that he enjoys playing with the baby, but it's not taking anything from all that you are doing.

And keep pushing for that medical appointment. Make it clear that it is impacting your ability to care for your baby, spell it out, do not let yourself be fobbed off. As others have said, women's problems are often dismissed, but this is a serious one with the risk of impacting on your life longterm. Yes, we are in a pandemic, but don't assume you can't be seen: keep trying! Fingers crossed for you!

I had an episiotomy (and high forceps) with my first and I'd say it took 8-9months before I started to feel significantly better - I well remember the constant pain sitting, walking, getting up and down off the floor, going to the loo. I still get pain in the area now depending on what I've been doing. I'd urge to you push to see the Dr again to get checked.

Babies are largely dull - my DD1s idea of playing until about 1yo was just chewing things. That said it did get easier once she could sit up by herself and then once she could crawl. She did like high chair toys (plus no getting on the floor for me), treasure baskets (just random things from round the house) and rolling balls round the floor. She's a brilliant (if challenging) toddler and it's definitely not boring anymore.

It's great that you're already getting help for your mental health and try not to beat yourself up too much - it's hard being a parent at the best of times, let alone in the middle of a pandemic, especially while the weather is so rubbish.

@blvdbrokendreams

I kind of felt like this and there was no pandemic. I think you are being too hard on yourself. I don't think babies need so much 1:1, in fact they might find the attention overwhelming. I took up cooking and had him in a Stokee chair beside me. I was happy he was happy.

Thank you for all your comments. Im going to arrange an appointment with both my therapist and the gp and insist on a face to face with the gp to have this looked at. To the comment about it not being boring I disagree. Maybe it would be different if I could go out other than to the park for the nine millionth time. Her only entertainment currently is as someone said chewing her hands or her feet. I sing to her a lot. And I play with her. I spoke to my husband this afternoon and I think I overlook all I do. She smiles every morning when she sees me. She stops crying when ever I pick her up and she sleeps best on my chest. I am finding this incredibly difficult. Thanks for the replies and the support