Shy toddler - nursery or not

[Tier500]

My daughter will be 3 in May. She’s always been a shy child but has got much worse during lockdown. She’s never been in any form of childcare but prior to March 2020 we took her to lots of toddler groups and classes so she regularly mixed with other children.

Since then she’s really only interacted with us and now she seems actually scared of other kids her age - will run away from them in playgrounds etc. She will be starting preschool in September. Will it help her to send her to nursery for a couple of mornings before this to ease her in? Or should we hold off until September and hope she grows out of it? I’m on mat leave at the moment so can send her for as much/little as would be best for her. Also if anyone has any tips on how to help her shyness that would be appreciated!

I think she would benefit from this time with you, to build her feelings of security and enable her to separate more easily by the time nursery starts. It’s developmental, doesn’t necessarily change with practise, just time and meeting her needs as they are, in the present.
As you’re on Mat leave there is, or is going to be, a new sibling. Unless you really need the time with just the baby, it seems like now is not the time to start her on something so new.

No, please don’t use the nursery in this way
She will be hard to settle and just when she makes progress she will have to do it all again in another setting
Just wait till September

Also, it’s okay to be shyer, quieter, prefer smaller groups and not have to be the life and soul of everything. I think it’s really important for little children (and everyone) who has this sort of personality to be allowed to be like that.

Thank you so much for these replies. The baby is almost 3 months so I was thinking if we sent DD1 in the next couple of months (think there’s a 1-2 month waiting list) the baby would be 4/5 months and DD wouldn’t connect nursery with the baby so much.

My instinct is to keep her with me so I’m relieved that’s also what people think. It’s just because of covid and the lack of normal interactions with other children that has made me question whether actually it would be good for her. She was 22 months at the start of lockdown so has been in this weird situation for almost half her life.

Bumping for any more views

Could you send her to a childminder? They usually only have a few at a time. I'm pretty sure you would get funded sessions free? I think to go from lockdown home just with you to a full group at pre school might be challenging. So getting her used to other children would be positive.

If your dd was starting p1 in september i would be more concerned but as its preschool i would hold off..this is time you will not get back with dd and preschool is equiped to deal with matters like shyness...couple of months into preschool and you will be amazed at the difference

I have no experience with 3yo BUT when my lo had strong separation anxiety (and he is a shy baby now still) I cuddled him all the time and never pushed him to "go and try" things. I know he was tiny but still.

I got a nanny (he cried like hell 1st time then got slowly better). Could you try and see if she'd stay with someone (like a nanny) one-on-one for a bit, and then longer and longer? Would she be willing?

If not, I agree with what others said. If you are coping well with two, I'd not change anything right now.

My 3.5 year old is very wary of other children. She always has been and has always chosen to remain by my side at groups; even as a baby and toddler. She was with a Childminder from 11 months old until 2.5 (when the pandemic hit) and got on well there but she’s definitely always been shy/reserved.

After turning 3 we sent her to a fantastic preschool 3 days a week. It took her a while to settle in and she is yet to make any friends (4 months later) but she is coming out of her shell very gradually.

I agree with the others completely. It would be a mistake to send her to nursery in the short term in order to combat her shyness; it is almost certainly going to make her worse rather than better. Wait until she is due to go to preschool and use this time before she starts to prepare her for attending by discussing it with her in a very casual way. With a new sibling having recently arrived, I think it’s even more important to have her with you to help her feel secure and loved, and not threatened by the siblings arrival.

Thanks for this. I’m so relieved! I keep hearing people saying that they are so pleased the nurseries haven’t closed because missing out on the social interaction is so detrimental to their (same age) kids and wondering if we’ve damaged her by keeping her at home with us. The ideal would be if all the old toddler groups were still running so I could be there with her but still give her a chance to mix with other children - it’s so sad. I have tried meeting up with NCT friends outside but she generally just runs away - I will persevere with that.

@Tier500 Yes I hear a lot of people saying that too! We’ve actually taken her out of preschool since Christmas because of how bad stuff with COVID has become. I love her being at hone with us though, and she loves being at home with her little sister.

She will be getting social interaction by the bucket load from you and, very soon, your little one! An extra few months at home, especially in such uncertain and scary times, will do her no harm at all! X

DD went to nursery at 3.5 and went every morning. Going every day can often help them settle in quicker. I agree, don't send her to a different setting first, as she has to settle twice. Hopefully over the summer you will have opportunities for garden play dates and she can build her confidence gradually. Plus in Sept, presumably lots of children will start and they will be focused on settling in.

Also from an attachment pov I believe it can be beneficial to allow children to feel comfortable and strike out in their own time rather than pushing them before they are ready. (If you are able of course and don't need to for work etc)

Unless there is a nursery linked to the preschool so the children she meets are likely to be with her next year and the environment will become familiar then no, I wouldn’t send her to nursery for that reason. Carry on with all the thoughtful things you’re doing ... if she’s not yet 3 a lot may change with her confidence and inquisitiveness by September anyway - it’s a long time away in her life. If not, there will be other children who’ve had similar experiences over lockdown and I’m sure preschool will be very sensitive to it.

I wouldn’t go through the grief of settling her into a setting it was was short time and this would change in sept. By then she would have made firm attachments to some staff members, got into a swing of their routine and them maybe made a buddy. So I wouldn’t do all that to then move and resettle- especially if already shy.

I have nothing to add other than I stumbled across your post after searching "toddler shyness" into Mumsnet looking for advice on the exact same thing!! I have no idea how to private message on here , but if you would like to connect I would love to chat to you as my little girl who is just turned 2 displays the same shy behaviours as yours and I am dreading the time when she needs to attend preschool . She runs away from other children and cries her eyes out of another child just so much looks at her, let alone says hello to her!! She also is not in any nursery setting. I am fortunate enough to work from home two days a week and have her grandmother come and play with her. When it is her time to go to preschool at the age of 3-3.5, I will only be looking for a max of 3 hours a day to begin with as I just feel for her temperament, any more would be too overwhelming for her.

Any mums I know send their babies/young toddlers to nursery for long days but they seem the right temperament and personality to cope with that. My daughter would absolutely not cope! And I'm sure the mums I know judge me and think I should just put her somewhere now and leave her to somehow just "get on with it"

If there is anyway of connecting with you I would love to chat more ☺️

Hi OP and @24601mary , I just wondered how your LO’s got on and what you ended up doing? In the exact same situation now.