Do I sound unreasonable? Struggling with babies dad

[LoLo1304]

Apologizes for the long post but advice needed! But I can’t trust my babies dad with our daughter, he spends a couple of hours a week with her and recently not seen her for 3 weeks and stated he didn’t want to see her till she’s one. He doesn’t know what she likes to eat, how she likes to sleep, how to soothe her when she’s having a tantrum etc. Plus he has a temper he’s lashed out at me before, other things like putting his 6 month old (at the time) daughter on a motorbike sat on his knee and wheeled her round the garden and got his dad to take a video, i don’t know whether he would do something stupid she’s still only a 9 month old baby. He’s never prioritized her or proven his commitment to her, never helped or supported me with our daughter at all. I’ve attempted on numerous occasions to get him to spend more time, I’ve offered little and often contact to build a relationship with her, I asked him months ago to stop off on his way home from work (literally he passes on his way) not stopped once in week, he’s failed to show up and be there for her. A 9 month old baby needs consistency.
I left living with him when baby was 5 and half months. Prior to me leaving he spent little time at home with his daughter as a few months after she was born everything started to open again after lockdown, he was more interested in going to the pub and staying out all weekend. He’d work away all week (not every week) spent 1 hour with her on the Friday when he got back and I mean literally 1 hour, then he’d go out again allll weekend. One week he worked away all week, literally not seen his daughter all week, I was out when he got back and he didn’t wait to see her till I got back a few hours after as ‘he’d already made plans to go out’ I’ve since found out he was meeting a girl on these nights out. I use to have to beg him to come home to sit with her for even an hour whilst I got a bath or quick kip etc. But nope nothing, no help or support.
Now after absolutely everything, he states it is getting ridiculous and he should be taking her out or be left with her for a few hours ( I’ve breastfed also) he states tonight over text to expect a letter as he is seeking legal advice on Monday
Do I sound unreadable for not leaving her with him? how would the courts see this situation?
Even if I didn’t have these issues with him it is a struggle for me to leave her anyway, she’s only 9 month old, I’ve breastfed her and we have a formed a close attachment.
Thank you reading

I can see it from your point of view and I’d probably feel the same; that protective instinct is very strong! I suspect that the courts probably would agree that he should be able to take her out for a few hours but equally they’d agree with you that it should be consistent and he needs to develop a relationship. Do you get on with his parents/trust them? Could you say that he could take your baby to theirs for a couple of hours?
Was the motorbike turned on? If it was then I see the danger but if not then I’m not entirely sure I see why it’s so dangerous.

He sounds very unreliable so he's unlikely to maintain contact. Your DD just isn't high on his list of priorities, and honesty it sounds like that's for the best. He sounds selfish at best and dangerous at worst.
Let him consult a solicitor, I wouldn't be surprised if he gives up when he realises this will all cost money.

P.S you sound like a wonderful mum, don't let this waste of space man bring you down.

He sounds very immature op. Any chance its his parents getting him to push for more not actually that he wants it?

I hope you’re claiming maintenance through csa.

This guy sounds like he will drop out of your DDs life in about a year. You are required to make her available for contact at agreed times, nor chase him up or change times according to his whims so please don’t fall into that trap
If he wants to go to court they will expect you to try mediation first. Let him organise it.
I agree that he would probably be allowed to take her on her own for a few hours but equally if he has to do it in his own with no one else doing the hard stuff that will put him off. I’d go to mediation but keep records of everything eg times he doesn’t turn up as agreed, if she comes back clearly not fed and he had her at a meal time, keep all texts.

He sounds like an arsehole who will just let her down and bring nothing positive to her life. Personally I would keep breastfeeding for as long as possible to avoid him having her away from you or overnight. Keep offering the little but often contact he doesn’t like so you look reasonable if he takes you to court. Keep stressing that contact is for DD’s benefit so she needs time to build a bond with him as he hadn’t done so previously when you were living together. Put it in writing in an email or text.
Is he paying you maintenance?

For the motorbike... you are over reacting.
For the rest i think youre going to have to let go of thinking hes going to be a good father, hes not. Stop pressuring him, if he doesnt want to but feels forced or guilted into it, its unlikely hes going to be nice about it, your child will sense he doesnt want to be there.
Let him make first contact, children are resilient. She has you to be consistent, you make her feel safe.
Age appropirate you can explain to her that some people do not make very nice choices and not everyone knows/wants how to love and be good parents but its okay because she is loved so much by ypu and that is enough. Do not ever lie. Dont bad mouth either, because she will then feel like she has to take sides and thats unfair. She can then process the situation much better, she wont expect much from him and wont be let down.
Dont worry about it. Your daughter will be fine. Just leave him to it, its your responsibility to be a mother and his to be a father, not your job to chace him.
Courts will make dates for contact, so every saturday or every other weekend, dont count on him or make plans those days, he probably wont turn up. Most importantly do not react to him and text abuse ect, he will enjoy it. And make a plan of action for what to do if he doesnt turn up, dont overcompensate with your daughter out of guilt, but it would be nice to have quality time. When older obviously you will have to ask her how she feels, validate her and listen and then leave her to feel those shit feelings for a while before returning to make her feel better. You do not want her to act okay or hide feelings, she needs time to talk about them, to be validated and then time to feel those feeling, not to have someone chase those feelings away and sweep it under the rug by instantly trying to cheer her up.

Also dont count on that letter from solicitors either. He sounds like an idiot and an idiot would say shit like im seeking legal advice but actually never does.

Please stop texting him though, its obvious he enjoys it and sees that it hurts you that he doesnt want to spend time with daughter and also that you have no respite, all your doing is making him feel good that he continues to control how you feel and what you can and canot do because you always have baby.
Just stop responding, unless the text reads can i ses daughter date and time do not respond. Be the strong and mature one.

Also validate your own feelings, you dont need anyone ever to validate your feelings especially him, if you know hes a shit dad and shit partner and that hes donr xyz then you dont need anyone to apologise or explain it to you, you know what hes done, hold onto that truth, validate yourself and move on, and accept also the likelyhood of him staying in your daughters life is slim. Hes never ever ever going to respond to your text accepting and take responsibility and accountability, addmitting to being shit and wanting to change, thats a fantasy.

Also cout will not give a shit if you have offered contact. So dont.
And dont remind a grown adult how seeing his own child if for her benefit and listing the impacts. He knows hes an adult. It is common sense.
This is a choice, hes not an idiot. And even idiots know to see their children. He doesnt want to. So dont force it.
He should text first. Do not chase him. You are not his mother.
If you know that you would never need someone to text first an offer contact and that you would always ask to see your daughter, then he does too. Go on the assumption that he knows everything you do but chooses not to practice it because it benefits him not to.

@THATbasicSNOWFLAKE@ Yep I think exactly that. I’ve said the same to my sisters before I wrote this post!

@Crikeycroc he was paying weekly but stopped paying around a month ago because ‘I’m a single bum who gets everything paid for’ apparently, even though I’m off on maternity till she’s 1