Just need a little support

[Faithsmum2020]

Hi Mums...
Just need a little support as feeling a little low today. DD 8 months has been a nightmare for me the last few weeks, teething badly, constantly shouting in frustration as wants to be walking but can’t yet, up and down all night so very tired. Living with mum at the moment, so a lot of tension. DD went to stay with sister in law for a night so I could have a break, and instead of feeling calm and refreshed I feel worse than ever... she slept through the night, SIL has changed routine which has worked much better, she’s been happy and smiley and been as good as gold. She even picked up on thrush in her mouth which I didn’t even notice.
Right now I feel like a terrible mum, like I’ve been doing a rubbish job and that She’s been happier there than with me. I know I’m probably just being sensitive but I try so hard to be a good mum and dote on my daughter, she’s been with SIL for one night and she’s done everything better than I could
Am I being stupid? Perhaps just overtired from sleep deprivation?
I’m her mum, I’m supposed to instinctively know what she needs and now I feel like a failure.
A little reassurance that I’m not crap, and that I haven’t failed would be much appreciated, as I’m not getting it at home.
Hope you ladies are all well xx

You're not crap at all. It's hard work doing it day in, day out - sounds like you've got 8 month sleep regression plus teething, oh and we're in the middle of a pandemic. It's a lot going on at once.

My DD always sleeps through the night, and sleeps in till at least 7am at her grandparents, here we can have nights with multiple wakes and a wake up of 5.30am!

@Ticklemynickel
I KNOW!! How is it that we get all the screaming tantrums and family get happy, smiley, well behaved baby? Glad it's not just me x thanks for the reply

In the exact same boat with my 8.5 month old DD. She behaves perfectly when I’m not around but as soon as she sees me, that’s it. She’s always miserable and I constantly think it’s my fault but I read separation anxiety is a big thing around 8 months so could be that.

What kind of routine did your SIL introduce? Maybe I need some help in that department

Your sister in law has had her for one day, she's gone into that day with fresh eyes and probably a lot more sleep and energy than you've had at any point over the last 8 months!
She's not putting any pressure on herself to be the best mum as she's only doing it for 24 hours and then handing her back to you.
So, no you're definitely NOT a crap mum. You're putting in the work day after day whilst getting no rest. You're doing brilliant

Oh my goodness you are not a bad mother - you’re in it day in day out, probably exhausted. It’s very understandable that a fresh pair of eyes might see things differently - it doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong at all.

I also don’t know where this idea comes from that mums should instinctively know what their babies need. It seems like just another stick to beat us with. Children are sometimes just tiny, screamy enigmas and it’s absolutely not your fault if you don’t have the ability to magically interpret exactly what she needs or wants at any given second.

Don't know if this makes you feel any better but my mum used to think I slept through the night, until my grandmother came to stay and said I don't my mum just sleeps likes she dead so didn't hear me 😂 it sounds like you're doing a brilliant job don't be hard on yourself x

Well here we are again... urrrrggghhh! I'm so frustrated and so so tired! It's 1.30am and she's up again!
I think my SIL is full of the proverbial to be quite honest with you.
I don't know what to do at this point, give her a Valium? (I'm joking obviously, because if I don't laugh about this I'll cry).
Help ladies!! I need help!

That sounds tough, it also sounds as though being in an unfamiliar place for a night meant that DD forgot to get up for her middle of the night party at your SIL's house.

What does your DD do when she's up at this time? Are you sharing a room?

@SE13Mummy
She's in her own room now, she goes off to sleep fine and then a few hours later she's up. She doesn't really cry, but she babbles and shouts, gets on fours and starts to play or stand in her crib. I try and leave her but she just continues, this can continue for hours. Eventually I give in, hubby sleep on the air bed downstairs and she gets into bed with me. Just so we can both get some sleep.
She's quite happy during the day, and goes down well, it's just the staying asleep. I'm a bit lost as to what to do at this point??

I wonder if she keeps up the babbling and shouting because she wants your company and knows she'll get it eventually? Does your DH ever go into her in the night instead of you? Or could you try having her sleep in your room/get a bigger bed and co-sleep? When friend's DD was much younger, they set up remotely operated speakers so when she woke, they could press a button or two and music would play in her room. She'd then self-settle after a bit.

@Faithsmum2020 it's NOT you , we have all been there. I try so so hard to make my 14mo nap daytime - I get 1 hour, sometimes I get 1:30.

I left him with DH today and left - they ALL slept for 2,5 hours and only woke up as the cat was hungry. I could cry.

Same in the evening - takes me ages to settle the baby. Takes DH a few minutes and he is done.

The babies know it's you and make it so much harder on purpose I am sure!.

Give yourself a break. You have to do everything daily, while your family only has the baby on occasions as a fun thing to do. That's way different to parent's experience.

@Faithsmum2020 How much daytime sleep is she having? I found if my DD has too much daytime sleep she’s awake for 2-3 hours in the middle of the night 😐

[quote Faithsmum2020]@Ticklemynickel
I KNOW!! How is it that we get all the screaming tantrums and family get happy, smiley, well behaved baby? Glad it's not just me x thanks for the reply [/quote]
Im so glad this isn't just me. I've thought this so many times. He goes to my parents and I'm told hes an angel and they seem to get him to sit and play with his toys, but when he's here he seems to just lose interest in things in five mins and then whinge and whine. Hes 14 months but i think the terrible 2s have come early!

Thanks ladies for all your replies. Last night she slept through the night after a little whinge at 11.15 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

My SIL has been a bit of an annoyance however, as she has gotten into her head the idea that it's ok for her to tell me how to parent my daughter because she has two older children. What is with that? I have found this being a new mum, that because other women have had more children and you are still learning that it's ok for them to tell you what to do with your babies? Is this just me??

Anyway, Hubby had a word yesterday, so hopefully the presumptuous behaviour will diciest. Either way, I shall ignore her in future x

We've had a few problems with nap time since she went to stay in the week, unfortunately, I think she had left her to scream at nap time and poor DD is now getting awful stressed when I put her down. I never wanted to sleep train and SIL has completely ignored my wishes and just gone ahead and done it anyway 🤷🏼‍♀️

Safe to say, she won't be going to stay overnight again... Granny will have her and that will be that!!

I feel like when people do that they're actually just giving advice, but do it in a less than sensitive way. I cant get angry about it tbh.

Glad its a bit better for you. I find everything to be a phase, but some seem ssssooooooooooooo long

@LittleAtlas My DD is doing this already, she's only 8 months!! 😂 It's not just you... I think there might be a little bit of "we'll tell her they've been good" in the worry that you may not take them again lol, but then again, maybe they are just really good around our relatives because we're not there. I find that DD does play up for me because she is used to the setting and tries to communicate more with me as to what she wants. Perhaps she knows that she hasn't got others wrapped around her finger 😂😂

It's so difficult because they can't talk and tell us - " MUM... YOURE BEING STUPID AND DOING IT WRONG!" That would be amazing 😂

@Letsallscreamatthesistene
I agree that giving advice is fine! But we went over for the afternoon yesterday (SILs Birthday) (don't worry they're our bubble) and we had to put her down for a nap there... she kept telling us to leave her alone while she screamed the house down (obviously very stressed), like I said before, my wishes are to not sleep train, personally I don't wish my daughter to get her stress levels up that high.
In the end hubby told her to shut up and leave us alone and she gave it a rest then. It was a bit much tbh... I was starting to get annoyed and asked him to say something. Found it a little presumptuous.

Oh my gosh, my daughter used to do this. She'd be up for hours in the middle of the night 'talking' and rolling around the bed. My husband used to say to ignore her, but no way could I go back to sleep knowing that she was awake even if she was happy!
I have no idea how to cure it sorry, but I wanted to let you know that it's definitely not just you or your baby!