Toddler and newborn - can’t cope

[Millypad]

Finding this sooo impossible and DS is only two weeks old. DD is 26 months, and of course I love her to bits, but she’s always been fairly high needs in terms of sleep, energy levels, comfort and energy levels. I’ve never minded because I love her amd her spirit so much, although it has been hard throughout the pandemic and being pregnant. Now I’m finding it impossible and I’m really really scared I’ll start to get cross with her when that’s not fair and I really don’t want to. Shes very affectionate with the baby but is clearly struggling with the loss of her old life a bit as screaming, kicking, throwing etc has suddenly amped up. How on earth does anyone cope? I feel like my newborn is being shortchanged and I want to bond with him properly, I really don’t want my little girl to feel like her world has changed too much and that I’m still there for her... but how in earth is anyone supposed to do this when you can’t even leave the house properly and take them for walks or see family?? (We live on the outskirts of London so not much green space and my toddler has suddenly begun habit of running off which scared me with all the roads round us). I know it feels like sahps ‘have it easy’ compared to those working and home schooling but without any companionship or distractions (library, classes, family etc) it just feels like sinking!

Just 3yo & 2mo here. It's hard, especially trying to recover from giving birth too. Can you form a support bubble with anyone?

I'm no expert but here's what I'm finding useful:
Baby in a sling - you get to cuddle baby but you're hands free to play with older child/go for a walk etc.
When I do get the baby down for a nap, I get down and play with DD for a while rather than doing housework first. I can normally slip away after 15 minutes or so.
I "tell" the baby off or comment on how loud she is so that DD1 isnt the only one getting told off! Probably not going to win me mum of the year but "oh noisy baby" is DD1s new favourite sayings.
There's a lot of divide & conquer at weekends with DH - we take one girl each for a bit and then swap. And my favourite one: DD1 goes to nursery a couple of days a week.

You've never been cross with your toddler. Whooop you are doing amazingly well!

I know how you feel! I was in the same position. Someone suggested to me to put the toddler in the bath if things get too much. Id put him in the bath with some bath toys while i sat there and fed/cuddled newborn

Sling also helped alot .. id put baby in the sling and toddler in the pushchair and go for a walk

It got alot easier when dd started sitting up and playing with toys on her own ..now theyre 1 and 2, and theyre not as bad but i still struggle at times

I will get flamed but my reality is that I quickly realised I couldn't cope. In the first lockdown I stupidly tried for far too long to do it with dc1 (3) and newborn dc2. Nurseries are open now and nannies are allowed to work. So if you don't have any family you can do a childcare bubble with, pay for care.

Being SAHM to 1 child is totally different to 2. It's ok to say actually I can't do this and need to change things.

I 100% know how you feel. I have an 11 week old and a 26 month old. I have no support while DH is in work 5 days a week. My family live abroad. DHs parents are bubbled with DHs sis. For the first 4 weeks after DH went back to work i was a sobbing wreck every night. I thought I had ruined my life. It was impossible to do anything. I couldn't get the dinner done, I wasnt making it out the door, the house was a bomb site. The newborn would cry and I would have to leave her to get my toddler sorted first. DD kept hitting my newborn, flinging things, screaming, not napping, plus she isnt verbal so her frustration levels were through the roof. It was SOOOOO hard. I thought I was the worst mother ever.

But, it got better. Now at 11 weeks I get out even just for a long walk where we count buses, i get the dinner done 4 nights a week or so, and my toddler and newborn have an amazing relationship. It's all hugs and kisses. The newborn is sleeping more reliably, goes longer between feeds, likes watching us play and read from her bouncer. DD is like a changed toddler. Very few tantrums once she is kept occupied. Its ten times better. I promise, you are in the absolutely worst time of it, but it wont last. Give yourself some time in the evenings if you DP/DH can take over the baby for a bit. Have a bath, or a drink, read a book, or just sit without a baby on you, or go for a walk. A routine will appear, and the toddler will adjust. They all do after a while. Sometimes you have to muster patience from the depths, while also firmly saying 'we must be nice to the baby', or 'we dont throw if we are angry' etc. If the toddler pushes too far, it's ok to take yourself out of the room and leave them to scream once they are safe. Take a few breaths and say 'this will not last forever'.

You are great. This is a shit time to have a baby. Survival is the sign of a superhero. It's ok to hate it. It's ok to be angry. It's ok to be worried.

Oh, Poor You, OP.
It's so tough.
I remember my mum telling me that it's fine to be a " Good enough" mother, not the perfect mother I was striving to be.
I scoffed at the time, I so wish I'd taken her advice though.
Sometimes it's really OK, to put your caring infant down and walk away for 5 minutes.
Sometimes it's really OK to feel upset down, irritable and snappy with your toddler.
It's OK to put the TV on for half an hour.
It's really OK to feed yourself before your children.
It's about surviving the day, the minute etc..
Be kind to yourself..

crying infant

Highly spirited 3.5yo and (much more chilled so far) 3 month old here. It's very hard with lockdown and getting no break from the toddler behaviour. We've also had issues with screaming and throwing, lots of tantrums. Do you have anyone around to help? You can form a bubble with one other household if you have a child under one. We've done that so my parents can come over one or two days a week to entertain the older one for me.
I don't have much more advice other than that. I've been a bit shouty mum lately and feel bad about it. I always make sure I apologise when I've been unreasonable due to overwhelm, and with DH wfh I try to get at least 30 mins one on one time each day with older daughter while baby in the bouncer next to DH's desk.

Also: screen time when you need it.Just relax about it. My dd has taught herself basic maths from Numberblocks and has leaned loads about space from various programmes this week. She was chatting about the Mars rover at bedtime yesterday and then built one out of Duplo this morning. Don't let people tell you it only rots their brain.

Also agree with "telling off" the baby now and then, so it feels fair. I do it if she cries at 3yo's bedtime and stops her being able to settle

How are you getting on this weekend OP?

I came on here to see if anyone was in the same position as me (1 year old and 8 week old and yesterday I had tears in my eyes on so many occasions). I’m glad I’m not alone although my heart goes out to those in the same position, it’s a horrible feeling.

I’m reassured to know this bit is just hard, and that I’m not a terrible mother. I knew having two close together would be hard but sometimes it’s just overwhelmingly hard. 😭

I’m living in fear of this.
Will have 15 months between mine when number 2 arrives

I had 15 months between mine. There were definitely tough days and moments but I actually found it easier with a newborn rather than two toddlers. Ages 1&2 were hard.

@Hattieintheskywithdiamonds that was aimed at you! Not much help to the OP but hopefully you'll be less terrified

@Millypad how was your day today?

I got up with resolve to do today differently. I fed and settled DD (8 weeks) while DH did breakfast for DS then I took a shower and wow that 10 minutes made all the difference! I made sure DD wasn’t awake for more than 2 hours at a time and made the most of time with DS while she slept. Today couldn’t have been more different than yesterday. I hope you had some improvement today too.

@Hattieintheskywithdiamonds mine are 16 months apart. It’s harder than I thought it would be, for sure. But I have good days (today) and bad days which are completely overwhelming and leave me wondering why I did this (yesterday). Hopefully there will start to be way more good days than bad for all of us.

2.5 year old here and 5 week old newborn and all I can say is I totally understand how you feel. I feel like the worst mother as I suffer with anxiety and have a short fuse and get so frustrated with my toddler when she acts up she follows me everywhere and wants attention 24/7.
Drained to the core :-(

I know this is from a few months ago but I wondered how others were coping? I have a 3 month old and 2.5 year old and really struggling, and I feel so guilty. Guilty because I have some help (2 days a week childcare for toddler, DH at home more due to lockdown and support bubble with parents), but I get a sense of anxiety and dread when I am looking after them alone, which is only a 2/3 days of the week. I feel panicky about everything and find getting out of the house, bedtime routine etc a struggle. My toddler DD is very high energy, spirited, and I find it so hard to keep up with her as well as tend to my baby’s needs. Using a sling but he’s getting heavy and not sleeping well in it now, but he won’t nap anywhere else so nap routines are a struggle too. I don’t know how to get past this, it’s not a bonding issue as I enjoy and love them both so much but also find things so hard! I haven’t had more then 3 hours sleep at a time since Feb which doesn’t help. Can anyone relate?!

Hi everyone, hope you are all well. It feels like such a relief finding this thread. I have a four week old and a 24 month old. I have been feeling so guilty as my toddler is clearly feeling left out. Every time I'm feeding the baby he rests his head on my lap and when he doesn't get the attention he wants he starts to scream or bite me. I feel so horrible as I don't feel I'm bonding with the new baby or giving my toddler the attention and love I used to. I'm putting on a brave face in front of family but inside I feel so lost. When I look at my newborn I feel so bad, I feel like he's just a "routine" feed, change and sleep. Sorry I must sound so silly, but I haven't truly opened up about this and finally feel like
I can. I hope it gets better for everyone x

So sorry everyone, I didn't even see how old the post is! Hope things are better for everyone and please do share anything that worked! Sorry again, just shows how shattered I am!