Talk to me about WFH with young children

[again2020]

So just after some other opinions.

My partner works from home, earns a good salary (50k ish) and has calls with clients often.

I work 3 days per week earning much less.

My DD is 3 and a daddy's girl. I find it hard to keep her out of his office all day. Partner gets very annoyed, literally screaming at me to take her out of the house. Previously I'd take her to soft play for most of the day but now in lockdown we have nowhere to go so I have to take her out for long drives until she falls asleep then sit for a couple of hours, or go to see my mum at her door. I used to try to go for long walks when it was warmer. I have tried talking to DD explaining that daddy is very busy and not to go in his office but she is a bit young to fully understand.

Partner is starting his own business soon so this situation is likely to continue.
I have spoken to partner saying in lockdown people would understand that colleagues have young children but he says none of them have kids or they are much older.

He wants another baby but this situation is enough to seriously make me not want another, I can't imagine being at home with 2 young children trying to take them out of his way all the time.

What do Mumsnetters think?

I think he needs to shut his door. I mean, I am wfh and I have a 7 & 2 year old. 7 year old is here all the time and homeschooling part of the day. 2 year old is in nursery most days, but my work extends beyond those hours anyway. For a time, dh and I were both home part of the day while the other worked (me from home) to look after dc. I just went upstairs and shut the door. I mean, occasionally they do come banging and screaming on the door, but dh just drags them away to another room and shuts that door. If it is a really important meeting or a presentation, a walk for an hour or a drive somewhere (I'm conscious not everyone has a car though).

But really, he's wrong if he thinks people care that much right now. I'm pretty sure they don't, unless he works with a bunch of assholes (which I admit is possible). I did an entire meeting with someone fairly important the other day with my 2 year old telling everyone on Zoom what snacks he had that day while and we did playdoh. I also have a pretty important job and making 50K ish a year. Really no one cares.

That said, in the long run, it's really unrealistic to plan to be self-employed working from home with children running around the house. Could your dh afford an office space? A shed in the garden? You work part-time, so I would imagine your dd is in childcare 3 days a week. Could you afford her in more days in the long term to get you through this difficult hump when there isn't much to do? Could he take himself elsewhere to work on those 2 days? Meetings on the phone in the car (I've certainly done it when I needed to protect patient confidentiality and didn't have another quiet space). There are lots of solutions in the sort term. But the long term, he probably needs an office somewhere if family life going on in the house is going to be disruptive.

But it’s your home too... and DD’s home.. It sounds very stressful feeling like you can’t be in your own home.

Maybe he just needs to get a latch on the office door so she can’t go in?

Try a timer? I was WFH with two toddlers for a while and it helped. She can go and see daddy when the timer goes off. You can have it for a few times a day or whatever works. Gets a star or sticker each time she waits for the timer?
Your husband screaming at you is a separate issue. He's being a prick.

How does the day work, does he come out at all? Are there times she is allowed in? I’d probably start by trying to instill some boundaries about when she does and doesn’t see him; whether you could make a song with her for when she can and can’t go into to see him or some kind of timetable of when she’ll see him in the day.
I have a 3 year old and she understands that she can’t come in when I’m catching up on sleep at weekends (when dad is home due to baby keeping me up) or when her dad has work phone calls. We’ve had a few tantrums but we stuck firm that she can’t go in and she’s now used to it. I do think that people understand that kids are at home but it’s really difficult to work when kids are coming in and out and i think Im not entirely sure why you can’t stop her; if she was insisting on going in the garden at bedtime in the dark you’d stop her

Sorry I meant a sign for his door not song

It sounds like your partner is being a bit of a dick about this. Wfh with a 3yo is far from ideal, but a lot of us are having to do that right now and most people are just getting on with it. My DC are older, thankfully, but I'm still having to supervise home schooling while still getting my own work done. He can't insist you leave the house when there is literally nothing for you to do.

Can you get a lock fitted on the door of the room he's working in?

I WFH while DP takes care of DD. I just shut the door! If she's old enough to open the door, put a bolt on it.

I have someone who works for me whose wfh with a 7 & 2yr old and I sympathise because it’s tough. When I’m on the phone I can hear them in the background just playing singing etc and she shushes them. I say don’t worry it’s ok, let them be. We all in the same boat your husband has to realise that you can’t replicate the office at home with small children, they want your attention and to an extent you need to give it. I would say that perhaps there needs to be a bit routine around daddy working. So perhaps all have breakfast together and Daddy goes upstairs to work and shuts the door but at lunchtime Daddy comes down and sits to have lunch gives her some attention then in the afternoon goes back upstairs to work. It will take a few days but having the certainty of seeing him during the day and getting his undivided attention for 30 mins will be better than him just screaming to get out.

Needs to shut and lock the door. Job done.

Definitely don’t have another child if he is being so unreasonable. Screaming is a completely over the top reaction.

My DH wfh and I’m with the kids (3 and 5 now). They know they’re not allowed to bother daddy when he’s working. So they don’t. My 3 year old understands that. He comes down for his lunch and coffee breaks etc and I try and take them out as much as I can, but it’s far from ideal as they’re still so noisy.

He needs to keep the door closed! I work from home full-time, DP is SAHD. I am the guest in this situation as I would normally be in the office, so I have to work around DS's routine. I always keep the door closed when working. If your current set up doesn't work, could your DH build a summer house type thing in the garden to work in? (as an investment for the business maybe?)