Feeling like a failure as a new mum

[seat7a]

Anybody had any experience with a baby that refuses to nap? I'm desperate for any advice and at breaking point feeling like a failure who can never get her baby to nap.

I have a 4 month old who has never really napped. He never used to show any tiredness signs during the day and would be in good spirits the whole day. If you tried to get him to nap he wouldn't. Recently he has started getting cranky and showing tiredness signs and very occasionally I'll be successful at getting him down for a nap. He does sleep okish at night. Currently probably sleeps on average 8 hours a night with a couple of wakes for feeds. But that is not enough for a 24 hour period if he doesn't nap on top of it. When I do manage to get a nap out of him it'll either be on a walk (although it would probably have to be a long walk and take a while to get him sleeping and he would wake up the second you get home) or carrying him around the house listening to music for a long time. Everything always says about putting them down when they are drowsy but not yet asleep, no way I could do that with him, when I try that it wakes him right up and I'm back to square one. Really feel like I'm letting him down.

Hoping someone will have some words of wisdom. Thank you!!

Have you tried a sling?

My children always slept best with very very loud white noise (not heavy rain though, usually tumble dryer or vacuum cleaner options).

You’ll hear this said a lot and it really can be so frustrating when you have a sleep resister but sleep really does breed sleep. Good luck.

That’s because putting them down when they are drowsy but awake is bollocks. You’re not a failure. It’s our society’s expectations which are wrong. Most babies want to be cuddled or rocked to sleep.

You are not a failure. Babies do not come with manuals, and it takes time to work it out but you will learn what is best for your child.

I agree with @SnowFields white noise is a game changer!
Mine goes down to hairdryer noise and literally nothing else. But it works!
He doesn't need the white noise for bedtime but he does for his naps. He won't go without it.
Look for the signs of tiredness:
Yawning
Rubbing eyes
Red eyes
Whinging
Fidgeting
Restless

As soon as you see this pick him up and pop him in his cot, or whenever he sleeps. Keep it quiet, use a dummy if you use one and keep the room as dark as possible. Pop the white noise on and then leave him to settle himself.
Unless he screams blue murder and is super upset, leave him be or just return to ssshh him and pop his dummy back in if he spits it out.
Just keep going until he drifts off.

Now I'm not saying this is going to work for you, but it's my way of getting my DS off to sleep for his naps. It's taken me a long time to get him there but I just kept going and didn't change anything, so he got used to the routine and he knows now that when we go upstairs to his nursery it's nap time.

I feel your pain and I'm sure plenty of moms will give you their methods. You go with what's suits you and your DS.
I wish you all the best 💙

And to add, you are NOT a failure!! You're doing a grand job! 🥰🥰

You’re not a failure, I was going through the exact same at 4 months. I downloaded the Huckleberry app and it gives you sweet spots when to put baby down for a nap based on how long they’ve been awake and their age. I just use the free version and found the sweet spots pretty spot on and 9 times out of 10, she would nap when put down. The app was a life saver for me!

Oh and white noise.

I’m currently sat with my napping DS2 on my lap watching Netflix, it’s heaven made even better because DS1 is also napping!
I only started putting DS1 up in his cot for a nap when he was around 2 and he dropped to one long nap (he still has a daily nap at age 3!), before that I found it easier to let him nap in the sling, pushchair/pram or on me. It meant that I could still go about my day without having to plan everything around naps! Just do whatever works and don’t worry about the whole putting them down when they are drowsy but awake, life is too short to spend so much time fretting about naps and sleep! x

Dear Mummy... You’re not a failure, your bundle is just testing your patience, and you’re tired cuz let’s face it, having a new baby is hard! Please don’t listen to sleep training books, they can do more harm than good. Try holding your baby, bouncing, heartbeat sounds I found a god send with my DD. She likes a bottle before sleeping, sends her off every time. I struggled to start with, she just slept when she wanted to in the end, remember that if you’re fighting and losing battle, the best thing to do is take the pressure off, surrender and maybe it will work itself out.

Maybe just get a fabric sling, pop him in it, and carry on with your day with him attached to you, that way he’ll just nod off when he’s ready and feels safe cuz he’s with you.

I hope you get some much needed calm soon... don’t fret, you’re doing great xxx

I have a 4 month old boy as well who has been a terrible sleeper but I now manage to get him down for 4 naps a day, each nap around 30 minutes, although I think his sleep cycle is around 40 minutes now, as he doesn't always wake up as soon as the clock hits 30 minutes anymore!

I became obsessed with his sleep, so much so it was probably to his own detriment. The whole put them down when drowsy is a load of rubbish. My boy screams as soon as he's put down, there's nothing drowsy about it!

Do you use a swaddle? Mine hates being put in his, but once he's in he accepts it! I use the huckleberry app which pretty much tells me to put him down after 1 hour 20 minutes, then 1 hour 30 minutes, 1 hour 40 minutes and then 2 hours before bed.

I take him up 5-10 minutes before, pop him in his love to dream swaddle bag, put him in his cot, pick up his legs and pat his bum. Once he's asleep I lower his legs and 9/10 times he would be asleep.

I do find though, that after a couple of weeks, he gets used to his sleep 'props' and we need to find something new.

Hah drowsy but awake is just some kind of sick joke, we struggled with our boy and i used to walk for 1 hour minimum every day to get him to nap, while my wife had a rest. He can sometimes do the drowsy but awake thing now at 15 months!
Not sure what to suggest other than just keep going and focus on what gets the most sleep for every one rather than doing it properly. Good luck!

4 months is growth spurt time- he's going to be extra tired and cranky. You are not failing him in any way!
They're all different- one of mine would only nap on me nightmare, I couldn't do anything, not even go to the loo the other could only nap on a walk in the pushchair ok, I lost that baby weight bloody quickly

He'll get there, in his own sweet time. Try and get some early nights in if he sleeps ok at night

Oh @Ajahd your post has just triggered me for "shush, pat"!

Honestly OP, this phase will pass, I promise.

Thanks so much for everyone that has taken time to respond. It's really helped make me feel like it's not just me. I think I've tried everything that has been suggested. Maybe it's best to just take the pressure off and try not to obsess over it and see where we get. Easier said than done but hopefully I can at least try with that mentality for my own sanity. The worst thing I ever did was Google this! Nowhere does it acknowledge the truth, instead everything makes you feel like you're getting it wrong and you should be able to pop your baby down for their nice long nap the second you see them rub their eyes , ha!

I used to obsess about naps and sleep as well and it drove me insane. I deleted all the apps and dd started sleeping better as she got a bit older around 9 months. Now at 12 months she sleeps through most nights.
I didn't do anything differently, no sleep training. She still naps on us sonetimes. Sometimes we nap together. There is not right or wrong. Every baby is different and they do sleep better ecentually.
My sister has a little boy who is alnost 8 and he was never sleeping much. Goes to bed around 9 and is wide awake and up for the day at 5. That's just him.

Sorry for typos... And you're doing a great job! 4 months is a shit age (sorry the language)

A nice long nap.... what's that! 🤣🤣🤣 mine is the same as yours @seat7a 45 minutes and he is awake! You can literally set your watch by him.
He's got bad cradle cap on his forehead at the minute, so he is in a love to dream swaddle bag now to stop him from scratching his head as it got infected and my god what a protest! Now he can't spread his arms out and rub his face his naps have gone down to 30 minutes a pop. His bottle is every 3 hours so you can imagine trying to put him down for a nap more than once between bottles DOES NOT WORK! 😫😫

Putting them down when drowsy not awake is bollocks! I put mine down awake and give him chance to doze off by himself. Works most of the time but sometimes, as others have said they just need a cuddle first!

As you can see from all these posts to your OP you're so not alone with this battle!

Neither of mine have just gone down to sleep in their cot. Neither slept for the amount of hours they say babies should sleep for. I often wonder who has one of these mythical babies that sleeps every couple of hours in a cot.
I fed/feed both mine to sleep and then they pass out for 10-30mins and once a day a good walk and they sleep in the pushchair. Today I hit the jackpot and both ds3 and dd5 months fell asleep at the same time in the buggy and I had half an hours peace.