Anger issues - effect on children

[garden1234]

I'd be grateful for some help. My husband gets very angry when my daughter (age 3) does something that irritates him.

For example, when he puts a bath mat in the water he will go ballistic - shouting and yelling.

I've spoken to him about how damaging this is and how he should walk away when his buttons are pushed until he's calm and then speak to her about the issue but he seems unable to do this.

Lately he has been saying to her - "if you do this I'll be angry and you won't like me when I'm angry". I don't think he should do this either - it's almost threatening in tone?

He also says that he doesn't trust her when she's out of sight. She now repeats this over and over and hits me. This I'm guessing is a sign of the effect it's having on her?

His father was and is a very angry man and I'm worried this is history repeating itself!

He also gets angry with me, calling me f*ing useless etc.

Grateful for some other perspectives. I find it really upsetting, I don't want to leave her alone with him in situations where he might flare up.

I think you should have this moved to relationships. There will be lots of advice and support on there.

He’s verbally abusive to you, with the name calling and getting angry, which is bad enough but to subject a 3 year old to shouting, yelling and going ballistic, and to fill her with terror saying he doesn’t trust her is awful! Please leave with your daughter before she suffers irreparable psychological harm.

He's abusive and you're allowing him to abuse your child.

Developmental trauma. That's the result of abusing small children, and it has lifelong disastrous consequences. You're already seeing that damage.

Women's Aid, Freedom Programme... They can help you leave him and protect your child.

Developmental trauma is irreversible, pp is correct there.

He’s abusive. Totally unacceptable. You need to contact women’s aid for advice and leave him.

This is abuse. I can't tell you what to do and I don't know enough about the situation, but from what you've described I would be ending the relationship.

I had a father like this so I know how damaging it can be.

I grew up with an angry father who shouted alot and beat us when we got too much for him. My older brother and I bore the brunt of it. We are both psychologically damaged by this, have anxiety and depression issues. My brother has been on antidepressants for most of his adult life. He can't sustain a relationship. We both have low self esteem. Growing up around someone who is explosive makes puts a young mind in a constant state of watchful anxiety. My dad always yelled or hit us when we did something wrong, as a result my brother and I as adults never feel like we can do anything right. Please protect your daughter. Growing up with someone like this as a parent is awful and suffocating. There were points as I got older that I just wanted to end it all because I hated being alive and living in that house. You can change things now for her.

There is a great book about this, which you should read (well he should read but you need to). When anger hurts your kids - a parent's guide.

Also leave him.

I think that without a lot of effort and awareness it’s easy to just parent the way we were parented.

It sounds like he’s repeating the behaviour that he saw growing up .
My Dad was a yeller and could explode with anger .
It takes work to be different . Is he the kind of person that is interested in getting help and breaking the cycle? Going through how it made him feel when he was a child could be a way for him to grasp how damaging it is. Does he know it’s wrong and feel guilty afterwards when you talk about it?