Blocked from 12yo phone

[ZoomMullet]

Ds, 12, has put fingerprint access on whatsapp.

I had a chat with DS, and explained that parents need to monitor kids' phone use (we've had a number of incidents where DS has needed guidance) and he understood, and said he wou;d feel the same way.

However, he has point-blank refused to give me access to his messages.

WWYD?

From your update this actually isn't a fight I would have as its is putting your DS in a horrid situation.
From his point of view - one parent has put the fingerprint lock on his phone and is telling him to do it, the other is going to punish him for obeying. That's a horrific situation for him to be in (as much as I agree with you in principle).

I'd have a rational conversation with your DS, say your worried, promise him (and mean it) that he wouldn't get in trouble if he's said mean things on you and ask if you can sometimes look at the phone together.

The alternative is if you have a computer, you can get whatsapp for laptops and set it to his phone, so all the messages go to your computer (and his phone). Then he can keep the security (which also stops his mates getting in the phone) and doesn't have to mention to dad that you have access.

I wouldn't. I would just talk to him .Taking the phone is only going to make things worse your sons done nothing wrong he will soon see his dad for what he is trust me.

Do as someone suggests and unlock it when he is asleep, take photos of anything nasty on there and put it back

Sneaky, but will give you peace of mind. Then continue to work on ds giving you access himself

But you have been reading messages on his phone. It's far more complicated since your ex is involved in all this. Say he is not allowed to bring that particular phone into your house and it needs to stay at his dad's And buy him a cheap one for use at your house. I don't agree with taking the phone while he is asleep.

In addition to what previously suggested of unlocking phone while he is asleep, add your fingerprint to your DS's phone so you will be able to unlock it in the future.
You can add multiple fingerprints on phone.

So before the additional dad info, I was in the boat of take the phone away.

However I am now in the boat that you need to have a conversation with your son about his dads behaviour, how it makes him feel, if that’s why he’s withholding access etc.

If he admits yes and still says no, then I’d take the phone regardless of his dads griping because there is clearly something going on. I’d then definitely have it unlocked in the dead of night.

Another one saying take it off him. I don't care who buys my child a phone. If I'm blocked from having access to it then my child doesn't have a phone. Choice is theirs.

If you are concerned about wattsapp messages can you not download it to a pc and connect it..

Someone on here said it could be done 🤷🏻‍♀️

Not condoning snooping as such but your kid is 12 .. not yet an adult

He's 12, he's old enough to have a conversaion about this, as demonstrated by your op. Can you reassure him that whatever you see on his phone, whatever he has said, you will still love him completely, and he has nothing to be afraid of? That it's far better for him to share what is happening to him, and let you help him manage the burden of his dad's behaviour, than to try and hide it out of some worry, either for your feelings, or that he is going to get into trouble. If he's worried you will be upset, tell him you have a think skin and his dad's rubbish doesn't bother you (whether this is true or not) and that your focus is on keeping DS safe, and happy. It might take a few conversations, but keep reassuring him and talking to him.

Far better to get him to share willingly, than to have to resort to sneaky means. It sounds like the kid is in a tough spot, with the pressure his dad is putting on him. A lot of adults would struggle with behaviour like that from a parent, so it's probably pretty hard on him.

Can you link the phone to your PC or laptop? I've just done this with my phone via an app called Your Phone Companion so I could access my pictures to upload home learning!

I didn't know such a thing was possible but I can see my pictures, messages, call history etc. I get notifications when I get facebook notifications and whatsapp messages but I haven't tried accessing those via the laptop as I only needed it for pictures.

If you do something like that I would be clear with your son that you had done it. If you don't tell him and he finds out it will go nicely with his dad's narrative that you don't trust him.

And if you can't do that, I would take the phone. I'm not a parent of teens yet so might not be the person to get advice from, but I feel that one of the conditions of teens having smartphones should be parents are able to access the phone at random.

Ban the phone from your house.

@Cormoran

In addition to what previously suggested of unlocking phone while he is asleep, add your fingerprint to your DS's phone so you will be able to unlock it in the future. You can add multiple fingerprints on phone.

Do this!

I think that's a good idea, thirty minutes to delete but access going forward. Keep modelling that you care, are consistent and not manipulative.

Wow, you've all been brilliant!
I'm so heartened st the positive advice to help me and DS, thank you SO much.
Chat about to begin.
Thanks for all the support and pointers. I'm taking it all on. xx

Found how to disable the lock via Google.
Had the chat with DS. Gave him his phone back on the condition that I can monitor his use, and explained my reasons.

DS messaged his dad and told him, who says he is going to report me to CAMHS and has offered ds to go and live with him because I'm obsessed and controlling.
DS believes I am completely in the wrong, and that his dad is protecting him from me.

Sorry OP but I did laugh out loud at your ex saying he's going to report you to CAHMS for this- he sounds like such a numpty

Not great about DS though. Really sorry that this is his take away from the situation. His dad must really love to stir the pot. What a prick.

I'd fucking love him to report me to CAMHS.
He's a narc abuser, but I'm sure he MUST know that he's lying 99% of the time and that professionals will see right through him!
I'd love to hear his complaint!
"my ex keeps tabs on our son's social media even though I made him block her".
Wow. Call social services.

I hope things calm down a bit OP it sounds tough

After what happened in Italy with the death of a young girl www.theguardian.com/world/2021/jan/23/italy-blocks-tiktok-for-certain-users-after-death-of-girl-allegedly-playing-choking-game no court could argue against a parent monitoring phone use for teens younger than 13 (which is the usual age required by apps) so yeah let him denounce you @ZoomMullet . You have the safeguarding argument

What a difficult situation op. Your x is using your ds against you. You have to be firm with both of them.

Wow. I allowed my daughter her first smartphone under the agreement that it would be regularly spot checked and any social media closely monitored, particularly tiktok. She knows I police it regularly and comes to me when she gets any hassle. Thanks to my sniffing sessions I stopped some nutcase that was stalking her, helped her deal with 2 close friends who are self harming and found out ( blocked and reported) a ton of dodgy middle aged russian men that were following her and other little girls' pinterest accounts ( much unsavoury stuff came from that one). Kids are not safe online and need a very strong presence from parents to help them stay clear of danger. There are pedophiles grooming kids, stupid lethal games like that whale one or the cinammon challenge, pro anorexia sites, pro suicide sites, addiction to violent games, porn, bullying, I could go on. Jesus, the net is a terrifying place and my kids will navigate it alone over my twitching dead body. In other words what I meant was take it away. No access, no phone.

Oh my god, that's terrible! Every parents worst nightmare 😢

I've used the safeguarding argument, of course. And reminded ds of the times he's needed guidance about what's acceptable.

DS told his dad that that was my reasoning.

Ex's new gf replied "this controlling behaviour isn't acceptable... you're at an age where you should be getting more independence and trust from her, not the opposite. You get plenty of training through school to know how to deal with social media so that is an excuse from your mum"

Ex told him I'm obsessed, and can't stand their relationship, and that DS can go and stay there for as long as he likes.

DS has been there all weekend so will be completely brainwashed against me when he's home tomorrow. If he comes home.
My choice is: accept being blocked from his phone, or parent him, and have him run away to his dad's, who is his mate, not a parent.

He's 12, can you not take his phone and not allow him to go to his dad's ??