I don't deserve my child!

[Anonymummy19]

Just that really!

I have a 4 year old little boy, who is my absolute world and I love him more than anything, but I feel like he knows how and what buttons to press to bring out the worst in me.

For context I was raised in a very violent home with lots of aggression and shouting etc so I always swore that I would never inflict this onto my own children.

My husband and I have continued to work throughout the whole of the pandemic - both classed as key workers. And I know everyone is feeling abit down lately but I feel like I have a lot of undisclosed problems. To the outside world we are the perfect family, but there’s that saying you don’t know what goes on behind closed doors.

I make that sound really awful but I feel like it is. I don’t want my child to grow up and feel the way I did and have the issues that I now have.

So today for example, we had normal Saturday doing what we normally do, our Saturdays always start off with my son coming into my bed for cuddles, I don’t sleep well but I always lay awake waiting for him to come in because I know he loves it as much as I do. We get lunch, go outside, do all our jobs etc. Then his father goes to work for a few hours, he’s in a great mood, we watch abit of tv and play, I make his favourite tea, all was set for a lovely chill evening. Then his father comes home, gets him very excited/hyper then immediately wants him to come down once he’s had enough! Nothing boils my piss as much, he does this all the time and then I’m left to be the baddie and calm him down.

So I sitting on the sofa, our son is messing around with his dad, I almost get scalding hot tea poured over me. There’s a lot of loud talking/shouting - out of excitement going on. I have awful migraines and asked husband and son to try keep it down. Everything escalates, I grab son and shout at him, quite aggressively. The look on his face will haunt me for a very long time. I’ve never grabbed him ever like that before, I just feel so broken now. I immediately apologised and he was ok after a couple of minutes but I have this fear that I could be really impacting on his mental health.

Husband then starts to answer me back in front of our son, I tell him to F off, he’s really grinding on me at the moment, he’s so whiny and all about himself, I don’t feel appreciated one bit and I do everything! I’m just burnt out and it’s really impacting my mental health. So I’ve been in bed from 7:30 and I’m just laying here thinking that I really don’t deserve my perfect little boy and how much I hate myself.

Of course once I went to bed husband tries to get our son to bed, because god forbid he would actually have to sit and chat with or play with our son. He thinks if he does a few hours childcare that once he comes home as long as he’s in the same room or he’s pottering around the house that he doesn’t need to interact with him.

Once we had our words and I went to bed I actually heard my son say he was turning the TV off because he wanted some peace and quiet, this really broke me😞. I don’t know where to turn anymore, I feel like I have a lot of undisclosed issues with my own mental health. I love my son so so dearly, there are nights where I just lay beside him in his room just so I know he’s safe, I am so scared of loosing him. But then there are times where he really really tries my patience but it’s only ever when his father is around and he never sees any wrong in his behaviour.

I couldn’t ask for a better little boy, he slept really well from around 12 weeks and has been a really easy child, only ever wakes of there is something wrong, he potty trained himself more or less. But I often just sit and think that I don’t deserve him and that I shouldn’t be here because he doesn’t deserve to see this or have this shouting inflicted on him.

I’m not normally a shout/loud person, but I’ve come to the realisation that lately I am. Swearing wouldn’t be common place in our home but I am just so burnt out and fed up it was tonight and I am so disgusted in myself.

I am no contact with my own family due to my upbringing, husbands family are ok but in small doses and I have a few close friends but they aren’t parents, so they wouldn’t understand. I just don’t feel like I have anyone and it’s so tough. I just want to be the lovely, kind mother that my little boy deserves but at the minute I don’t feel I am. I’m feeling like I don’t want to wake up in the morning, that’s how bad it is. Because although his father doesn’t have much control, at least he wouldn’t have me there shouting!

I don’t know what I really want from this but if you made it this far, thank you for reading!

I think the very fact you recognise all the above is something you should give yourself credit for.

I don't have much advice and as I'm only pregnant with my first I can't relate.

Just trust that you are doing the best you can, your son adores you and you whole heartedly deserve him.

The biggest issue seems to be his father and you need to sit down and have a conversation about his role as a father and not just as a person who minds your son from time to time.

Have you ever had any therapy or counselling for your own childhood?

I wish you well.

I don't want to minimise either your own childhood or how you feel right now.
But, we all lose our shit now and again.
At 4 he is old enough to understand and label both his own emotions and yours. Talk to him. Explain and label your emotions, explain why you got angry and apologise. And next time he gets angry and frustrated about something label his emotions and liken them to yours. 'I can see you are sooooo angry and frustrated we can't do ..... sometimes I feel like that too, you know what I think will make us both feel better, let's have a little grrr scream and after I think we'll both feel better and we can try another way. '

You're basically telling him its ok to have emotions, it's ok for them to suddenly control you (because they will do as a child and adult sometimes) but its how you deal with that which is important.
Try 'how to talk so little kids listen '

And also your partner needs to stop being a Disney dad.
We can't get it right all the time but kids are pretty forgiving. Especially when there's morning snuggles on offer.

@Bubbles1st

I think the very fact you recognise all the above is something you should give yourself credit for.

I don't have much advice and as I'm only pregnant with my first I can't relate.

Just trust that you are doing the best you can, your son adores you and you whole heartedly deserve him.

The biggest issue seems to be his father and you need to sit down and have a conversation about his role as a father and not just as a person who minds your son from time to time.

Have you ever had any therapy or counselling for your own childhood?

I wish you well.

Thank you so much for your reply, it really means a lot to me!

Congratulations by the way, it is such a lovely time but at the minute it can be quite daunting I'm sure!

I really do try my best, I have always said I will do whatever I can to give my little boy the best life possible, but it all seems so pointless if I'm behaving like this, because surely it doesn't matter what he has if he has a happy home. I don't feel like I'm providing that at the minute.

It seems to happen when his father is around, if I say anything I'm in the wrong or he puts on this whiny voice that honestly just goes through me and I end up either walking away or loosing it. He has a hard time admitting that he's wrong, he never sees fault in anything that he does. I have tried to sit down with him and talk about it, I have even cried to him because I just get so stressed about it.

I actually haven't, but it has been on my mind quite a lot lately. I don't know how if you know what I mean, no ones knows about anything. I don't know how I would reach out or what to say if that even makes sense.

Again thank you for your reply, it was very kind❤️

Everyone is a bit more tense than usual at the moment. Seems you are struggling quite a bit though with struggling with sleep aswell.
I do think you over reacted to the playing between him and his dad. If the noise is bothering you, you could leave the room. My kids do that with their dad and it gets on my nerves aswel because I'm quite sensitive to noise, but they love it and it's good for them to bond with their dad, so I just take myself away and do something else.

@Frazzle76

I don't want to minimise either your own childhood or how you feel right now. But, we all lose our shit now and again. At 4 he is old enough to understand and label both his own emotions and yours. Talk to him. Explain and label your emotions, explain why you got angry and apologise. And next time he gets angry and frustrated about something label his emotions and liken them to yours. 'I can see you are sooooo angry and frustrated we can't do ..... sometimes I feel like that too, you know what I think will make us both feel better, let's have a little grrr scream and after I think we'll both feel better and we can try another way. '

You're basically telling him its ok to have emotions, it's ok for them to suddenly control you (because they will do as a child and adult sometimes) but its how you deal with that which is important.
Try 'how to talk so little kids listen '

And also your partner needs to stop being a Disney dad.
We can't get it right all the time but kids are pretty forgiving. Especially when there's morning snuggles on offer.

Thank you for replying❤️ I am glad that someone has admitted that we can loose our shit, I feel like everyone around, parents that is are all these doting parents that never raise their voices etc and that I'm an absolute lunatic!

I have to say we very rarely have incidences that we had tonight when it's just me and him, he is such a happy little boy and all is normally very calm.

I have always said that as soon as his father comes through the door it's like a switch is flipped.

Thank you for your advice, I will definitely be looking that up, if it gives me some tips and tricks on how to deal with situations better it will be well worth it!

@Anonymummy19

Does your employer have an Employee Assistance Program ?

That could be a first port of call, anonymous phone assistance who then sign post you to a service. Should be quicker than if you asked a gp for a referral and be free. You don't have anything to lose. Your employer never finds out.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

Everyone is a bit more tense than usual at the moment. Seems you are struggling quite a bit though with struggling with sleep aswell. I do think you over reacted to the playing between him and his dad. If the noise is bothering you, you could leave the room. My kids do that with their dad and it gets on my nerves aswel because I'm quite sensitive to noise, but they love it and it's good for them to bond with their dad, so I just take myself away and do something else.

Thank you for your reply

Yes I definitely think everyone is feeling it at the minute, hopefully we have some light at the end of the tunnel!

I 100% agree I over reacted, I know I did and that's exactly why I feel the way I do now. It's just trying to work out how to handle these situations better. I think it just all came to a head and it's sad that it ended up the way it did.

Him and his father are very close, but it's the getting him so excited and hyper an hour before bed time then expecting him to come down as soon as he's had enough, it just doesn't work if you know what I mean. Then I always have to step in and be the baddie to say yes it's bed time we need to calm down etc. It can be so frustrating to be seen as the mood killer if you know what I mean.

Thank you❤️

[quote Bubbles1st]@Anonymummy19

Does your employer have an Employee Assistance Program ?

That could be a first port of call, anonymous phone assistance who then sign post you to a service. Should be quicker than if you asked a gp for a referral and be free. You don't have anything to lose. Your employer never finds out. [/quote]
I honestly don't know, do you know how I could find out?

@Anonymummy19
Just ask your HR. It covers loads of things so they won't know why you are asking.
If it's a big employer they will
Most likely have something similar.

[quote Bubbles1st]@Anonymummy19
Just ask your HR. It covers loads of things so they won't know why you are asking.
If it's a big employer they will
Most likely have something similar. [/quote]
Thank you so much, it's definitely something I will look into. It's probably well overdue!❤️