Shouting at my toddler

[lamby12]

I keep doing it and then I feel incredibly guilty and like the worst mum ever. I am so tired and fed up and have had wayyyy too much 121 time with DC in the last year.

Husband is a key worker. Every hour under the sun, often no day off (or just one and he sleeps) and on the working days he's gone before we wake and back after DCs bed.

She's 2.5, lively, slightly lunatic but lovely and I keep losing my rag and really shouting at her. I've definitely got better recently, I had a real word with myself a while ago that she may start to imitate this soon and trying so hard to keep calm. I'm doing better most of the time.

But just now she wouldn't go down for her nap and was shouting, kicking, being boisterous (not unhappy, just excited) it's gone on for over and hour and I've ended up whipped into a rage, storming up and down the stairs, shouting at her that it's time to sleep... as if that's going to go get her to sleep?! I've then felt so bad with myself that I sat downstairs and cried and it's then (when I've buggered off) that she's finally gone to sleep. I know I just need to stay calm but sometimes I just can't.

I am just so exhausted of DC at the moment. We aren't seeing anyone (had a childcare bubble but they were worried about new variant so we stopped for now). Every day is just another battle of entertainment/not losing temper and I'm so fed up of it. I feel like there is little left of who I was... pre Covid I'd be travelling occasionally for work, the odd overnight. I don't want to do any of that as such but it just wasn't 100% childcare which is what I feel it's like now. Im resentful towards DH at the moment. Even though I love DC more than words can say.

I kept losing it at DH and blaming him for his hours but I've stopped that and now just go to bed after DC because I'm so fed up of just being here for him when he gets in. I'll add that he doesn't have to work all the hours, he doesn't like leaving them in the lurch but I feel like I'm just left 'holding the baby' metaphorically. So now I've vowed to not be available whenever he finally comes home. I can feel is drifting but I'm done with supportive wife act.

I'm not sure how much longer I can do day after day of relentless childcare. I feel like a single parent, make that a single parent with no friends, family, colleagues or interaction. I recently had an early miscarriage and I still feel anger and upset about that, DH has moved on I think and gets annoyed if I mention.

Sorry that went off track but I know all this is why I'm losing my temper at DC. The nap anger was because I just wanted half an hour with a cup of tea and no stress. I need to find a way to keep my cool.....any tips?

Bump...

I can totally get when you're fed up, toddlers can be hard work at the best of times.

However with your recent MC, do you think you could have some depression? It's certainly worth talking to your GP about how you feel.

I'd also talk to your DH and explain that you need him to take at least a couple of days off if he can.

I think you need to speak to DH and tell him that you’re at breaking point and he needs to cut back on the over time. Can you/would you think about using nursery? Do you work or are you a sahm?

At 2.5 yrs it maybe time for the nap to go. It’s a scary thought but it does mean an earlier bedtime.

Thanks @JiltedJohnsJulie I'm not sure about depression, maybe, I keep thinking lots of people mush feel like that in the current situation with Covid. I think I was maybe on the verge of it right before lockdown 1, as it was similar then. Maybe I am again, I really hope things start to change soon, I feel like it's very the scenario re Covid making me feel so bad.

@Thatwentbadly I work 2 days which are nursery days. It doesn't really feel like a break though because I drop DC off and have to rush back to start (work 2 long days) then log off and I have to rush to collect her. It's like there's no coming up for air, but yet I'm in my house all the time... ?!

My boss is talking about maybe furloughing me for Feb because the workload is going to dip due to lockdown carrying on. Right now I think that would be just what I need, 2 days to myself where I can have shower and wash my hair, make myself presentable, do a bit of tidying, cleaning, cook (I enjoy cooking, struggle to juggle all this with DC and end up going to the freezer) and have a bit of a breather. However if nurseries shut I'll struggle even more.

I just feels like this has gone on so long I'm losing stamina.

DH is difficult to get through too. thinks I'm unreasonable and expect him to be home all the time. I don't, just a bit now and then. Usually ends in an argument then he says he's under a lot of stress, hasn't got the energy for this and goes the other way, works more.

I feel like sometimes not being here (in bed) when he gets back is the only way to get through to him. Give him a taste of loneliness, is that immature? I feel like it's the alternative to an argument.

I'm aware non of this is about DC and that makes me feel even worse for taking it out on DC!

If you can afford it I would ring nursery and see if your DC and do an extra day a week for the next couple of weeks. I suspect with covid they may have additional space. Definitely talk to your GP. If it’s difficult to talk to DH then write him a letter or sending him a test to tell him that you have no choice but to his.

You sound overwhelmed and in need of support.
DH won't get a taste of loneliness by you going to bed before he gets home, as he has company all day at work. All you are doing is cutting yourself off from your only adult interaction.
It's very telling that your DH doesn't like to let his colleagues down, but will let you down? Is he paid for all of these hours he is working?
Is there an option to move in with your mum for a bit so that you have a bit of company and help? Not to split from your DH, just to give you some support?

Thanks @Thatwentbadly maybe I will try a letter or text. I think we are both at breaking point for different reasons so a discussion about this always brings out the emotions and gets nowhere.

@Alexandernevermind yes, that is my frustration that DH won't let work down but will let me down, and DC. And no he doesn't get overtime. To be honest I think he thinks I'm just moaning because he has no idea what it's like being pretty much at home for nearly a year and very confined with a testing toddler. He's barely done a day on his own with DC of course so he doesn't get I also have it hard at the moment. I think I'm really struggling with the lack of adult support or interaction and for him not much has changed due to Covid, he always lives for work pre-Covid.

I really need to find a way to get some calm and balance back so that I can be the best mum to DC, I wish I could be this patient perfect mum that I imagine but maybe I am being too hard on myself during lockdown.

Oh and I have though about bubbling with my parents but they are a long way so DC couldn't practically go to nursery. I think it's important for her to keep going whilst possible as it's her only interaction with other children. I wouldn't want to mix nursery and being at my parents either in terms of risk to them.

I also feel like that's a step in the direction of separating and whilst we're maybe sounding like that's the way forward we're only in this situation because of Covid. I keep thinking I just need to get head down, get on with it, try and keep my cool and not take it out on DC.

I know what you mean about it being a step towards separating @lamby12, but you can't carry on like this. Not for your sake but most importantly not for your daughter's. You know you need something to change asap and if he won't, you need to. Don't let your daughter grow up with you shouting and loosing it with her all of the time. I grew up like this and hated it at home.

Don't let your daughter grow up with you shouting and loosing it with her all of the time. I grew up like this and hated it at home

Me too and it sucked. It especially sucked as my "D"M never sought any help.

I hope you find a way forward OP.

I recently had an early miscarriage and potentially could have just had another, so I honestly do get it (and I’m busy enough at work to be able to ‘forget’ five days a week).

I think you’re fighting a losing battle with the nap though. You might be better off dropping it and enjoying an early bedtime for her and more evening for you to relax in.