My daughter had an abortion

[Nikki360]

Looking for advice. My daughter had an abortion nearly two years ago. She was in a long term relationship. She was 19. She didn't tell me till it was done. She doesn't like talking and she suffers from depression. I've tried my very best to support her. Last night she broke down telling me what I suspected that she didn't want to do it but the father had said if she didn't he would kill himself. She said the baby's ashes were scattered at the memorial garden of the hospital. She's never been. How do I support her through this? I'm a practicing Catholic and I know their is support for her but as we are in a pandemic it's difficult to access. I also feel very sad that she didn't tell me I feel angry at him they are now finished. He let her go alone to the appointments. I just feel so many emotions.

Would she consider counselling? Is that something you could help her access? What a sad situation, I'm sorry

How sad, I’m so sorry for you both

I would see about getting her some talking therapy to help her come to terms with it.

I hope her pain eases soon and she is able to find peace.

Offer her the reassurance that you understand and don't judge her at all, that it was really hard and you completely understand. It's a horrible position for her to have been in and I'm guessing it was late otherwise there's no ashes to scatter, more traumatic. Offer to go with her if/when she feels the need to visit and that if she is ever in the position again to speak to you, you won't judge or pressure her. I have never told my mum, you obviously have a good relationship, she's lucky to have you

Thankyou so much for your kind replies I appreciate them. I probably didn't word my first post properly she told me about the abortion a few weeks after it. I have known since then but she insisted she was relieved and that was it. I didn't think that was the truth but I didnt pressure her. This is the first time she has admitted she didn't want to go through with it at all. I feel so sad for her. I've got her to agree that counseling is a good idea and she's mulling that over. I'm just hugging her and letting her talk when she needs to. I want her to get some peace. It happened on the 1st March 2019 and she says she always gets worse at this time of year. I'm so so so angry with him I need to get over that. X

I definitely think counselling is the way to go, would she be open to that?

Thank you yes I think counseling is a definite and she's open to it. I've been in touch with an organization called Rachel's vineyard and they have been great and hopefully in time she will go and get the help.

I don't think you 'need' to get over your anger - it's totally understandable. I'd be raging in your shoes. He manipulated her, he didn't support her and he's clearly not the one dealing with the fall out. I can only echo the other posters and say she'd likely benefit from talking to a professional. In struggling with being angry yourself, I'd sit down and write a letter to her ex - get everything out on paper. Don't send it, but just write how you feel. It helps me when I'm feeling really angry. It's surprising what a difference it makes.

@Peggyslantern

I don't think you 'need' to get over your anger - it's totally understandable. I'd be raging in your shoes. He manipulated her, he didn't support her and he's clearly not the one dealing with the fall out. I can only echo the other posters and say she'd likely benefit from talking to a professional. In struggling with being angry yourself, I'd sit down and write a letter to her ex - get everything out on paper. Don't send it, but just write how you feel. It helps me when I'm feeling really angry. It's surprising what a difference it makes.

Thank you very much that is a great idea and I will definitely do that. I feel angry then sad then angry again. Thankyou x

I also feel so guilty for being fine with him after I found out. I wasn't but she said it was a joint decision so I couldn't be angry with him or I would risk my relationship with my daughter. Now I know the truth I feel like I've let her down feel sick that I was ok with him. He made her go alone on three buses to get to the hospital. They wouldn't let her leave afterward as she had no one to pick her up. Then that night he went out to a party and left her in his house. I feel sick thinking about that.

It must be unimaginably painful, for both of you.

Please keep in mind he sounds truly awful, and now she will never have him in her life so can’t be treated awfully by him again. That’s over now, she can and will find so much more than him. ❤️

Talk to her. Tell her what you've said here.

How would you have reacted if she'd told you she was pregnant? Intended to have an abortion?

Remind her that as painful as it is, she is free of being tethered to that awful man for life, the one that could not even hold her hand on the bus to the hospital. If nothing else she has seen him for who he is, a man not worthy of her or her time and precious youth. This is invaluable. She could have wasted twenty years of her life with him, had this situation not happened. And as sad as it is, it is over now and she needs to move on (with counselling or without) her life is now hers again, it is an opportunity to start again, to appreciate her freedom and to take much greater care of herself and who she lets into her life.

As painful as it is to watch your dd is learning some hard lessons about who to trust, how to take care better care in the future etc. She will get over it.

Please also be careful of your own feelings op.
If you are catholic, she may feel you are quietly judging her. Be careful about the language you use. My catholic friend kept referring to the word ' baby' when I was considering an abortion. it is not a baby it is a foetus. I urge you not to make her feel guilt but to be liberated from something that would have almost certainly ruined her life.

Focus entirely on the positives now. She is safe, she is healthy, she is free and she will be just fine with love and support.

I would also stress she may feel both emotions relief it is over, upset that it happened at all. It is normal to feel a range of emotions.
Be mindful that she did not come to you, she actively choose not to. Why? I suspect she thinks you would have stopped her. So be supportive of her choice, be positive about it. This is no time to have a child, she is just a child herself, and now she can go to have a happy life. As thousands/millions of other women have done before her.

He sounds awful and is at least out of her life now.

You sound like a really supportive mum and I'm sure your daughter is feeling relieved for telling you and knowing you'll help her through this. It must be extremely hard.

I will keep you and your daughter in my prayers OP. Allow yourself to feel angry at him, it's the first step in trying to forget this terrible situation.

Thank you again for your replies. Yes she said that she knew I would talk her out of it and she didn't tell me for that reason as well. I haven't ever said anything to her except that I love her and that it's unconditional as I'm her Mum. I've gave her plenty of hugs and I just try to be there for her. She showed me the consent form that she signed for the ashes to be scattered at the Crematorium baby garden. She had said it was the hospital but she got mixed up I think. She was upset when she was telling me. I'm worried she was further on than she told me?

@EileenGC

He sounds awful and is at least out of her life now.

You sound like a really supportive mum and I'm sure your daughter is feeling relieved for telling you and knowing you'll help her through this. It must be extremely hard.

I will keep you and your daughter in my prayers OP. Allow yourself to feel angry at him, it's the first step in trying to forget this terrible situation.

Thankyou very much x