Anyone else just feel like a shit mum?

[Twitchett22]

I've got a nearly 3 year old and a newborn. The newborn is a dream, feeds and sleeps, no problem. The nearly 3 year old is draining the life out of me.
Everyday I'm shouting at her for something. She doesn't listen when I tell her no. The second she has to do something she doesn't want to she cries. It seems the more I tell her off the more she does things she shouldn't. She's decided she won't nap anymore but some days she's that tired she's unbearable, and her behaviour is even worse then. I'm thinking about starting a reward chart, but to be honest even at Christmas with the threat of 'Santa won't come if you're not good' she just didn't give a shit.
I don't know if it's my new mum hormones, or being stuck in lockdown or what but I feel so out of control and like a completely shit mum.
No one tells you the newborn bit is the easy bit!

You are actually describing my life. I have a 3.5 yo and a 13 week old. And I've pulled her out of pre school for safety. It's killing me. I'm not the parent I want to be with her and we're only survive because of screen time. The guilt is immense.
I don't have any advice, but you are absolutely not alone.

I hear you!

I struggled a lot with age 3/4 with dd1 but not so much with dd2. They all have difficult phases at different times. I also read once that we shouldn’t beat ourselves up for not enjoying periods of parenting because we’re all suited to different phases. Just because you struggle with the newborn phase, doesn’t mean that you’ll struggle with the toddler phase or older and it certainly doesn’t mean you’re a bad mum.
Dds 1 and 3 were great babies, dd2 was a horrendous baby but a lovely toddler.

Don’t beat yourself up, they’re all different and you can’t enjoy it all! Kids are hard

My newborn is a dream too. She literally just fell asleep while I was hoovering and Miss 3 was screaming her head off.

My eldest was not an easy baby at all, actually. And now I'm also worried as newbie is so easy that she's going to end up with the label of the "difficult" one. I feel sad about how shouty I sometimes get with her when her terrible behaviour is clearly because her little world has been turned on it's axis

@YukoandHiro nice to know it's not just me! DD is still in nursery 2 days a week (also a load of guilt about that, I don't know if it's the right thing to do but I feel like that's the only bit of structure/routine she has) so they are my 2 sane days! We have loads of screentime for my own sanity but then I think that also makes her worse. I'm not that mum who loves to sit all day crafting and baking, I wish I was and I'm trying to make more of an effort but some days she's in a bad mood from the minute she wakes up and it's not worth the fighting or the clean up 🙈

I found having an under 5 with a newborn pretty unbearable. It's a lot of upheaval for them and they act up big time.

You've got the added issue of lockdown, too, with shitty weather. Don't be hard on yourself. Just carry on putting one foot in front of the other

I know it's very easy to forget that they will struggle with lockdown as much as we do, on top of her having a new baby in the house. I try and give her lots of cuddles when she's tantruming and make her feel safe but sometimes I'm sick of the sound of my own voice and I don't know if I'm better ignoring the negative behaviour or disciplining her. This is definitely the hardest stage of parenting so far for me 🤦🏼‍♀️ hopefully it will pass soon!

Something I have tried with DS5, on days when he's most difficult, is to say "right you're in charge, what shall we do?". Of course I don't generally want to be playing aliens or lego or whatever, but the novelty of him making the decisions somehow puts a different slant on his day and he gets easier...and somehow, briefly, I forget myself and all the million things I need to do, and find that I've relaxed whilst making a lego dragon...

I've also, in lockdown, decided not to care if he doesn't get out of his pyjamas until lunchtime, or not at all, and that it's irrelevant if he has had a bath or not, or whether he's had a packet of crisps instead of fruit...because a lot of that kind of stuff really doesn't matter at the moment, we just need to concentrate on getting through this nightmare as sane and unscathed as possible. And if happy is an option then maybe that too.

But yes mum-guilt, too much screen time, not enough energy here too...and I don't even have a newborn. Hope tomorrow is an easier day

I'm a mum of 3 now grown-up children. From my own experience, it's good and bad all the way through. If one's easy, the other needs your attention. If one's doing great at school, the other's slipping through the net. Is the baby bit the easiest? Not when you're tired - nothing's easy then, but in some ways it's easier. As they get older they all have problems at different times, which become more complicated with age. If it's any consolation, they seemed to change every 6 months when they were tiny - noticeable changes - and so difficult stages pass quicker. It's normal to want to scream and yes, hormones have a lot to answer for! Hormones control our every mood and emotion and it only takes a slight imbalance to throw things out. If it ever gets too bad, consider a form of counselling/therapy to help you and treat it like any other beauty treatment - it mostly all makes you feel human again and is just time for you. I'd still go back to those early years if I could; it's the only time your children are totally yours - even if the memories gain a rosy hue with time!

I have a nearly 4 year old and 10 month old baby but when DS was newborn and DD was just turned 3 I felt exactly the same as you. She didn’t react well to sharing attention and became quite tricky (that’s me being polite!) and she also dropped her nap plus this pandemic making everything so much harder. I brought her bedtime to a bit earlier which helped and i think mostly time just helped; she got used to her new sibling, I got used to two DC and now things are a lot more manageable.

Thank you everyone you've made me feel better, trying to remind myself today is a bad day and it won't last forever! Going to take some time out and leave them with DH while I do the food shop 😂

It's good to hear that they do adjust and things change. Dd is supposed to be going to school in September so that feels like a definite end point to the current madness - but I guess even that depends on the pandemic.