How to manage bedtime with 2 under 3?

[Drowninginwashing]

Hi everyone, I'm looking for advice. My DS will be just under 2 and a half when DC2 comes along at the end of Feb. Although he normally sleeps through (or wakes once), bedtime is a struggle and can take up to two hours. He sleeps in his own room (whereas baby will be in my room with me).

I manage with this at the moment but I am wondering how on earth I will manage this with a baby in my arms. I intend to ebf - I did the same with DS until he was 2 so only stopped recently. I don't imagine I can/should leave the baby in a different room during my toddler's bedtime, so what do I do with the baby?

My DH works long hours and so it isn't usually an option for him to do bedtime for my toddler.

Any and all suggestions welcome! I accept that my toddler's bedtime routine is what it is, and am looking more for practical advice on how to manage with both kids in the same room with me, rather than advice on shortening bedtime/making my toddler more independent.

I will be having a planned section (emergency one last time) but DH is planning to take 5 weeks off so I'll be more mobile by the time bedtime will become an issue.

Thanks in advance!

Let me know when you find out lol! I have a 2 year old and a 4 month old and there is just under 2 years between them. Honestly realistically it only works well when we are both here and I do the baby and DH does the toddler ! I’ve only done a few with the two of them by myself and it’s just a juggle -
Have to focus on getting the toddler down while baby is quiet in bassinet then full focus on the baby after that then rinse and repeat until they are both definitely asleep!

You quickly learn to do 2 things at once. Breastfeed whilst reading a story and turning the page with a free hand whilst the book rests on the bed or your DC holds it.
Read the story with the book open on the bed whilst you bounce or sway baby in your arms.
I had twins and a 2 year old and DH was rarely home during the day so often one baby had to go in the cot with a mobile going round whilst I put the toddler to sleep. They were crying at times and all sorts but had to learn to wait with twins as there isn’t much you can do!
I remember in the early days, someone was always crying pretty much all day on rotate!
I used to sit on the sofa a lot tandem breastfeeding whilst playing cooking or helping 2 year old put dressing up clothes on.
Interesting times for sure

I thought my post covered everything but rereading not sure I've made clear- I am with DS for the whole of bedtime, so bath, stories, then stay in his room with an audio book playing as he drops off. So baby would have to tag along for the whole thing.

Thanks both for your responses - good to know it isn't totally impossible at least!!

@Drowninginwashing

I thought my post covered everything but rereading not sure I've made clear- I am with DS for the whole of bedtime, so bath, stories, then stay in his room with an audio book playing as he drops off. So baby would have to tag along for the whole thing.

Sometimes things change OP if you don’t have another adult to look after baby. Baby can be in a bouncy chair for bathtime, story time you can hold baby whilst reading the story but the audio book whilst he falls asleep will be tricky unless your baby is asleep. If you want my honest advice, try to get your 2 year old to fall asleep without you by his side now. Otherwise it’s going to be an even bigger shock when the baby comes along. If you have a partner to help with baby at bedtimes it’s different but if you are on your own this is what I would do

@Littlewhitedove2 thanks for the advice. I would love him to happily fall asleep alone but have no idea how to make this happen! How did you manage it?

I had similar but daughter was 18 months when son arrived. She "camped" a lot. I'd put a sheet over one couch in living room to make it into a "tent", lullabies on and she would fall asleep there wile I cluster fed baby. I'd lift her into bed when I could. She loved it. Baby can go on a mat or some kind of chair in bathroom while you bath toddler You will work it out. It will be tough at times with competing demands of both but once you find something that works it will be easier.

Mine are the same age gap and my DH worked long hours too so wasn't there for bedtime. Why don't you spend the next 4 weeks or so trying to shorten your toddler's bedtime. I would bath with both baby and toddler, then get out and wrap both in towels. I would have already got everything ready in the baby's room.....nappy, best baby grow etc, and the toddlers PJ's and mine. We would all dress and then onto toddlers bedroom for stories which I read whilst feeding baby his bottle. Then leave toddler with his nightlight on to go to sleep.

My two year old watched peppa pig (special bedtime only treat) whilst I BF the baby and got him settled.

I have a 7mo old and a nearly 3 year old. When I do bedtime on my own it looks like this:
Toddler helps me bath baby and then jumps in himself. They play together, I wash them and brush both their teeth in the bath.
I get baby dressed in PJs while keeping an eye on toddler playing with his boat, then get toddler out and dressed.
We go to toddlers bedroom, pick some books, tuck toddler in and I breastfeed baby while reading the books. Baby falls asleep in my lap and I take him upstairs and put him in the cot.

I'd put the baby in bouncy chair whilst you do bath. Then cuddle them whilst reading a story or breastfeeding. I know you don't want to change bedtime but if you could change it so that you're popping in and out whilst your 2 year old settles to sleep that will help a lot.

When baby was very little and I couldn't bath them together, I had a bouncer upstairs permanently that I could pop him in. You can also use a sling if the baby is very tired/fussy.

I'm a bit past this stage now, but had 4 under 5.5 at one point and a husband who usually wasn't home for bathtime / bedtime.

Similar to others really. I used to have them all in the bath together (baby in a bath chair), then baby out first and dried and dressed. I then used to sit by the bath and feed the baby whilst the others played in the bath. This usually meant they would happily lie on the change mat whilst I got the others out and dressed.

Then stories with dozy baby in Moses basket / cot / on the bed with us, older ones off to bed, and then "properly" feed the baby and put them down. If it's tricky to settle your 2 year old then could you put the baby down first, and then dream feed them a little later? Although my trickiest child actually got much easier at bedtime when a younger sibling arrived

Really good advice from everyone, thanks.

I originally said I wouldn't change DS'a routine but that's because I just don't see how, he is so needy (I was feeding him to sleep every night until October). But I would appreciate advice about how to help him fall asleep independently without tears or distress (no judgment but 'cry it out' type methods are not for me).

I have an older DC who needs to be held to fall asleep (still does at age 8, she’s not NT and can’t wind herself down without help).

I had to make sure the baby was asleep before I did her bedtime. She watched TV while I got baby to sleep (baby was fed to sleep for a lot longer than I might otherwise have done!) then I went and settled her.

Maybe focus on shortening DS’s bedtime routine so you can do it this way (ie baby down first then toddler), rather than trying to teach him to go to sleep independently- that may be too hard with a new baby on the way.

If you do want to help him go to sleep independently then I would recommend trying to engineer a favourite toy. Also the “I’ll be back in a few minutes” method where you get them sleepy, pop downstairs to “check something” and hopefully they are asleep when you come back.

Like others baby in bouncy chair while DD in bath and then cuddles with both in bed during story time. We moved DD1 to a bed a few months before DD2 arrived and her bedtime when to shit. We ended up doing the gradual retreat technique to get her to fall asleep by herself without one of us in the room - we did have some tears but they were short lived.

Would you be willing to try the method where you edge closer and closer to the door each night until you're eventually on the landing and then not there at all...? No communication either xx possibly try a nightlight if not already? Xx I'm sure you want to support him to self soothe regardless of your new baby-you deserve your evenings back hun! X

The trouble is at first your new baby won’t have a ‘bedtime’ and will just be needing you all the time.
I did things slightly differently and was quite strict about a night time routine from the early months / within the first year. They were given bath, milk and then essentially laid down in the dark (used white noise tapes at first but always left the room) then used to keep going up if they needed more milk or attention but I never brought them down again that evening. Eventually they just got it.
I think in your case I would do some research on getting your 2 year old to fall asleep on his own and give that a go before baby arrives.
Other than that, I would get a bouncy chair and a swinging chair. For baby to be out in whilst you see to your toddler in the bath and at other times like making food or helping him on the loo.
Everything else, try not to stress too much. You will just have to take it as it comes, you will know instinctively what to do when the time comes abs each situation arises. It’s very challenging at times with two to begin with but you do adjust and get used to it.

OP can I just say that you sound absolutely lovely. Championing your toddlers needs and planning ahead for your new baby. I have a toddler who sounds very similar to yours with the bf and long bedtime and it is so lovely to see someone who is accepting of the situation and trying to make it work for everyone rather than forcing the toddler to change what he has always known. You're doing so great x

Mine are 17 months apart. I always bathed them together- ds on a plastic baby rest in the big bath then it was video on whilst I fed ds, something old fashioned and simple like clangers, bagpuss, ivor the engine, then ds popped into the crib and dd into her cot once both sleepy.

I had 3 under 3 and DH wasn’t around. It wasn’t pretty but my top tips are

• eat when your toddler does so at least you’re not hungry / don’t have any cooking to do once it’s over
• baby just tags along, main thing to be honest is to keep everybody safe! So a seat for baby on bathroom / have everything to hand for nappy changes etc so you never have to leave toddler in bath
• make toddler part of it too so they learn to help you, just stuff like passing the baby’s toy or muslin or blowing raspberries or wafting a Muslin over crying baby to distract them while you sort stuff for their bath
• basically feed the baby to sleep while reading story.

Yes you have to sacrifice any idea of one on one time. No they won’t remember it. You’ll be exhausted but you’ve got this!

I had 19 months between my youngest 2. Try not to worry, it will all fall into place.

I would agree with other posters to try and work on the bedtime routine. I've never had baths as part of bedtime routine here, they're done as and when there's time. The Baby Bjorn bouncer is great and can be used from newborn. It folds flat so can be carried around easily.

At the moment I bf one twin while doing DDs story and DH has the other one downstairs. Feeding keeps them quiet!

Can you shorten the routine? Realistically a baby will not reliably be quiet for 2 hours each night, so either a shorter routine or an extra pair of hands might be necessary. A sling might help, although mine wake if I spend a long time sitting down (as I normally would when reading stories).

I’d suggest using the time before your new baby arrives to try out some changes to bedtime routine.

@Drowninginwashing

Really good advice from everyone, thanks.

I originally said I wouldn't change DS'a routine but that's because I just don't see how, he is so needy (I was feeding him to sleep every night until October). But I would appreciate advice about how to help him fall asleep independently without tears or distress (no judgment but 'cry it out' type methods are not for me).

How is he currently going to sleep? I bf DD to sleep until she was over 2, and I’m really not into methods that involve tears. What do you currently do to get him to sleep? I found the trick to be building new sleep associations so you can reduce and then eliminate the old ones. Takes weeks though.