Scared that my child will be like my father

[Beebeebee28]

I’m 22 weeks pregnant with my first child (we’ve decided not to find out if it’s a boy/girl and keep it as a surprise). I had an awful childhood, my dad was really abusive to me and my younger sister- he used to hit and kick us and then laugh when we cried about it, he would hurt our dog to punish us if we were late home from school. He used to call us names and say horrible things to us. He hated his mother and said awful things about her. I only ever met her once when I was a teenager and she said he was a very concerning child and that he used to hurt their dog too and growing up he was very violent. I saw a picture of him as a young child and he had quite a cold stare even then. I have no contact with him and haven’t for a few years now and have had a lot of therapy to help me come to terms with things. Over the last two weeks or so I’ve felt really scared that my child will be like him. It’s really upsetting me and I’m waking up in the night scared. I worry that if my child shows traits of being like this I won’t be able to help them and that they’ll hate me. I’ve told my husband and he tries to comfort me and tells me that our child will be his/her own person and not him. I was just wondering if anyone else has had similar feelings before when they were pregnant- I know no one can tell me what my baby will be like but I’m just really upset by it and afraid.

Your husband is of course right. Your child will be his own unique combination of genetic traits, the upbringing you give him and his own choice. He may or may not have inherited some of those genes which may have predisposed your father to become the violent bully he was. But genes are just that: pre-disposition. With your nurture and your guidance, those very same genes could turn into something wonderful instead. And even with genetic predisposition, even with a horrible childhood- people do make choices. Like you have.

Whatever this child will be- he won't be your father. He will be your baby and you will love him.

Abusiveness is not a trait, its a choice. Abusing people benefits the abuser, if he throws a tantrum over and over again about an opinion... you are likely to feel whats the pojnt in telling him my thoughts... bam hes benefited... you dont talk just listen to him
.. this goes with everything... his night to do dishes he has a tantrum smashes a plate... next time its his night... no one asks... bam he just benefited.

Dont worry it is not a trait. Just like racism, fascism they are not traits they are learnt behaviours.

Traits that can be passed down are certain mental health, being a pedophile, addiction. Not life choices. :)

Anyone can become an abuser, games, ibternet, friends, peer pressure, all these things can turn someone into an abuser. We can stop that though by talking to him or her about feelings, giving a huge vocabulary for feelings so hes self aware, teach empathy, congratulate kindness more than anything, allow him to be himself, allow him to express feelings but ina respectful way, books are great resources, pointing out bad behaviour and not minimising things is also great. But one great practice is to always appologise and practice taking accountibility and responcibility without an exuse to follow with him without false promises. For example, im very sory for being late, i was stuck behind a tractor i knew thaere was a possibility of that happening i should have left the house earlier, i know that its not a nice feeling to being felt forgotten, but remember i will never forget you, and i will try my hardest not to be late again. There an explanation, not exuse and no promises. Youve also taken his feelings seriously. These small things are so important for future life skills so that he doeant make excuses, belittle peoples feelings and fob them off, he will mirror it, a sorry will become automatic, excuses wont be in his vocabulary. Excuses go hand in hand with an abuser.
Honestly dont worry about it. The fact your questioning this says so much about yoh and how good you are. Youll do great.