Struggling with depression and parenting

[stuggling]

I have always struggled with depression, anxiety and low self worth.

As I've got old I learnt to cope with my issues and I would do really well up until a point then I I'm consumed by them for days or weeks.

I've been working on an ICU since April last year, not sure if that is impacting my mental health. Quiet a depressing place at the minute as you can imagine.

But my main issue at the moment is my daughter is 2.5 and I'm really struggling with my patience, and irritability.

She has always been a notoriously difficult child (she has the nickname Lewis Hamilton due to the speed in which her mood can flip), she's never been a good sleeper (last 3 nights awake 1:30-5:30), she doesn't eat well (her diet consists of strawberries, blueberries, chocolate, toast and sausages) she's incredible head strong, and knows her own mind.

I feel like I'm struggling to cope with her attitude, you can not reason with her, I feel like I live with the devil.

And it's in these moments I shout, I scream, I cry, I fall apart. I feel like the worst parent/person to exist, surely it can't be this hard to raise a child? I must be doing something wrong? There must be something wrong with me to make her act this way?

Then in the next moment she's as sweet as angel, asking for hugs and kisses, wanting to hold hands and dance. And then I feel like such a monster/terrible mother for shouting, falling apart, saying I couldn't cope.

What can I do to help stop this cycle? Please any advice would be greatly appreciated

Wow, juggling working in ICU, a challenging 2.5 year old and trying to manage low mood and anxiety. I feel like you're being really hard on yourself. Focus on what you're doing well and gentle build on it. Instead of 'she only eats'... change it to "great, I got some fruit in her, she had some blueberries'.
This is a hard time for everyone and you seem to have the hardest things to deal with in it! please be kind to yourself. It's easy to think we don't have time for self-care, but we do.
Take 3
3 minutes to breath deep before responding
3 minutes to stretch out your limbs
3 minutes to tell yourself that you're doing better than you think.
I'm routing for you

The most important thing is to get treatment for your mental illness. Medication will make a huge difference here, and when that kicks in you might find that a talking therapy helps too.

Irritability, lack of patience, anxiety, it all sounds like emotional burnout is heading your way, how are you sleeping (on the better night of your daughter's sleep?!).

My LO sounds pretty much the same (sleep not quite so bad but still very crappy), limited diet, very head strong, clever little bigger. He's 3 and abit now and much easier but from your daughter's age to around just over 3 he was asserting his independence in whichever way he could, trying to manipulate our reactions even with hitting and kicking. Just seeing basically what he could raise from us, testing boundaries. Some of was also I'm pretty sure a reaction to all the change and insecurity he's felt with lockdowns etc.
Took me a while to figure out what actually worked but in the end just consistency, 'active ignoring' worked with him as the one thing he craved was attention (again I think partly due to missing family through restrictions) so once we ignored the behaviour after a few minutes he would stop, say 'sorry mummy' and be good for which I would interact with him and praise and make enjoyable and rewarding.
Clear boundaries and started the 'naughty step' at your daughter's age. I think he could count to 10 or somewhere around there so he sat on the step for the biggest number he knew - really not long but to him it was a huge number that he could actually quantify, now it's 20 😆. Pointless for him doing the whole minute per age thing as it's just me at nothing, he didn't and doesn't understand that yet but understands 10/20 etc.
Minimise screen time - this makes him way worse, he's a 'dooer' and just get frustrated and bored.
The more I shouted and got annoyed and fed up the worse his behaviour was.
Dietary intake has increased - again it seemed a form of control which is very normal behaviour at this age. Hes steadily started trying more things, eating meals rather than bits, veg aswell as fruit. It'll come and as long as she's eating something thats fine.

Get some support for your own mental health before burnout gets you. Get some alone time however small that may be to just breathe. Calm app is really good and has helped me alot with anxiety. You may find if your not as tired and actively focus on your own wellbeing you can be abit more patient with your DD. Sending hugs and never forget what a tremendous job you have done and are doing and the people's lives you've touched.

I should add these things didn't make him less annoying overnight! It's was about 3-4 weeks of consistency with above before it started to slowly minimise.