Three years in

[Inneedofaguide]

Hey everyone

I'm a dad looking for a little advice from this community.

My wife and I had a daughter in 2018 and we haven't slept together since. In all other areas we have a good relationship, with the odd bit of bickering but nothing major.

Before that we have a couple of years with a very active sex life. She's always been a little self conscious (even though she's beautiful with a great figure) and has never really let me explore her as much as I'd like to or allowed me to learn what she really likes, but she always took an interest in me.

Since having our daughter, she was understandably more distant in this way. We had a few unsettling circumstances, including moving house and her losing her job which meant that she felt like she needed to fix things before she could feel comfortable.

Each time we fixed one thing, there would be something else holding her back and before we know it, we're nearly three years in and still haven't sorted it.

We have spoken about it quite a few times. Sometimes we end up with a plan, which lasts a day or so before she slips back again and other times it ends up in an argument. I've suggested we get some help but that seemed to offend more than anything and when I've suggested time just to the two of us, she always wants to find ways for the three of us, as if she's guarding herself from the idea of intimacy.

This isn't about wanting sex, it's about wanting to be close and expressive, and each time I'm pushed away I feel more unwanted. I don't know how much longer I can keep being pushed away for, but I want to do everything I can to make the relationship fulfilling in all areas and to make us both feel wanted and loved. Naturally I want to do everything I can to make sure our daughter has a stable and happy home too.

I would love to hear suggestions from this community.

I hope someone gives you good advice as you sound like a man wanting to do his best to fix things. Bumping this so that others answer. My only observation is that she seems quite vulnerable and you quite strong. Perhaps it would help for you to explain your vulnerabilities to her. Literally any body or emotional hang up. Like “ I feel like my support isn’t enough for you or I must have done something wrong because you don’t like me kissing you”. Like it has to not specifically reference sex ( just relationship general or intimacy). And it has to be worded in a you being vulnerable not her being to blame type way.

My husband and I have experienced this pattern. Once you get out of the habit it’s hard to get back into the habit. Is she scared of the potential pain/discomfort of sex after having a baby? For us we found having a set date night every week when we would snog but either with no pressure or agreeing that it wouldn’t lead to sex helpful.

The book how not to hate your husband after having a baby has a good chapter on sex after children.

When you argue what is she saying? Has she given any detail on why she isn’t keen or how she feels about your intimacy?

Have you really not had sex at all since 2018 or do you mean it hasn’t returned to its usual, if infrequent, frequency? Are you physically intimate at all, do you kiss and do other things?

Having written the above I realise I’m assuming you’re being euphemistic and by slept together mean had sex or are you saying actually slept together as in sleep/shared a bed?

Honestly, in your position i would be seriously re-evaluating the relationship. Zero intimacy, where one party wants it and the other does not, is absolutely not sustainable, and if she isn't willing to work with you on it, you don't really have any other option.

She is absolutely 100% entitled to not have sex if she doesn't want to. But you are not obliged to stay with her in a relationship with no intimacy or physical affection in that case. I can tell you, it will only lead to resentment and unhappiness and bitterness in the future.

Speak to her, lay all your cards on the table. You need her to really, properly engage with you in finding a solution to this, or you're going to have to call time. You cannot be expected to spend the next 40+ years of your life without physical affection.

Wow, that’s a tricky one, 3 years is a long time. I think it’s normal for women to go through a period of low libido after childbirth - with DD1 I felt totally “touched out” for the first 18 months or so, sex just wasn’t something I was interested in (although we did have some, but my DH wasn’t keen when he realised I was diong it “for” him rather than being properly keen for it). 3 years is a long time to still feel like that, but with lockdown perhaps your DW just isn’t getting enough time alone with total ownership of her body? In all honesty my libido wasn’t back to normal until I was both back at work and Dd was sleeping through.

Taking the pressure off might Agree some boundaries e.g. that you’ll only kiss (or whatever she’s happy with drawing the line at). Do some massage. She might need to rediscover her sexual identity before she can feel sexy.