I need advice, I feel really low

[Hodge85]

Hi,

I don't know where to begin. I gave birth back in June, it wasn't an easy labour. Over 30 hours, epidural, forceps, followed by an emergency due to blood loss where I ended up having 2 blood transfusions. I didn't instantly fall in love with my baby but I've grown to love him. He's 6 months old now and a really sweet boy. Since he was born I've been really struggling, not every day but most. Breastfeeding didn't work out and I don't think that's helped. I miss my old life massively, my freedom feels gone forever. This lockdown is not helping, I feel trapped in the house where it's safe. I cry when I don't get his naps right, I'm a nervous wreck with BLW and I sob when I'm in the shower. I'm married and my husband is very supportive and helps out when he's not at work but is unaware of how bad I feel. I hide it so as not to feel like a failure. I don't know what to do, who to turn to. I want to know when it will get better. xx

Oh OP I hear you. And it will get better, I promise.

Tell your DH, confide in him, let him comfort and support you.

Talk to your GP, post natal depression (which is often the result of birth trauma) can be treated with counselling, support groups, meds.

It’s great you posted. It will all be ok. It gets easier - hold on tight for now, be very kind to yourself. And tell your DH! Good luck.

P.s. you are in no way a failure, what you’re feeling is very common and very normal. And it might not be PND, but situational - either way, you deserve support so speak your truth.

Sending hugs. You are not a failure. Your boy thinks you're his world.

Talk to your DH, make an appointment with the GP first thing on Monday and get some support. This will get better, you just need an extra hand and that's ok.

Hi, I didn't want to read and run. I had similar feelings with my first baby and it was not lockdown, it's an incredibly hard time atm. Looking after a baby is relentless and there is nothing at the moment to help ease the monotony. Try not to worry about naps, I know it's hard and I remember spending so much time trying to get my 40min catnapper to have longer naps. Nothing I did worked until he started having one nap in the middle of the day at 14monthsish.

I would let your husband know how you are feeling and try and get some time for yourself. Do you have any friends with babies you could see during the day for a walk-thats still allowed in lockdown? Or family to tell how you are feeling?

Things got better for me when I went back to work as I got regular time to myself and I cherished the time I had with the baby more as really missed him. Please don't think you are a failure for having these feelings 💐

Thank you, I'm crying reading your responses Unfortunately, no one is my local area to meet and I've sunk into "I can't be bothered" to go out for walks, etc. I do walk our dog in an evening with some music on and even though it's only 15 mins it does help but I just get overcome at times and I can't control the crying most of the time. I am due to go back to work part-time in March which might help as I'll get a bit of the old me back perhaps. I tried ringing the GP a couple of months back but I cancelled the appointment because I didn't want to seem as though I was overreacting. x

Firstly YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE!

Having a baby is hard. Having a baby in a pandemic is brutal. My boy was born in April. I get you.

Secondly please be honest with your husband. You are both in this together. You are both parents and you share this journey together. To support each other.

Breastfeeding may well have not worked out and I’m sorry if it’s something you wanted to do but formula feeding does have it’s advantages. Mainly your DH can take over and allow you some rest. Sleep deprivation is a genuine torture method for a reason. It absolutely fucks you over. Talk with your DH and agree a support plan. Either he does sat/sun mornings so you have a lie in or he does fri/sat night so you have unbroken sleep. You need to be able to recharge. When it’s not your night/morning - earplugs. And if you have one a spare room! Agree that DH will wake you if there is a crisis. An actual genuine crisis not just a huge poo to deal with. My DH and I have done shifts or a rota system since our boy was born and it’s really helped both of us.

Regarding naps, I found an app called huckleberry really helpful for me to plan naps. It helps you to identify when a ‘sweet spot’ is for putting them down for nap (or at 6 months I think my boy was still contact napping?!) but still helpful. Also continuous white noise. Very helpful!

BLW isn’t for everyone. If you don’t like it don’t do it. I did a mixture of purée and finger food. Mix it up. It’s totally fine. It’s equally totally fine to use shop bought pouches. Reduce the pressure on yourself. In addition consider an online first aid course so that if choking did occur you would know what to do. The gagging bit is awful but once it’s happened a few times you will relax a little. Remember if they are loud and red let them work it out if quite abs blue they need you. Babies have extra sensitive gag reflex so they will gag way more than us!

Have a think about maybe looking at online baby classes break the boredom a bit. Baby college is good or tots together is free. Both on Facebook. Baby club on YouTube also helpful.

Use your bubble! You are allowed to bubble with one other family. Use it!! A break is good.

If after all this you’re still not feeling ok then please speak to a professional.

You’ve got this mama!

Sweetheart if you have uncontrollable crying then you need to see your GP. I totally understand as I grieved my old life after having my first baby. I felt absolutely bereft and I like I could never be happy again.
I was diagnosed with PND and PNA and went on antidepressants. I regained my sense of self and happiness and went on to have a second baby.
Please seek help for yourself. Motherhood is really really hard.

It’s really hard

Why don’t you try purées if BLW is too stressful? I found it much easier (& not as much mess!)

They get better and more interesting as they grow... But between lockdown and baby life it is totally different. You need a new circle of friends none of which can be crafted in a covid world.

I would second getting huckleberry (the free version). It provided the answers and helped provide a little structure.

Speak to your friends and husband they will help.

I totally understand you you're not a failure, you're an excellent mother! Having a baby is very hard and I can't imagine having had one in the pandemic too. Please go and see your GP for a chat. I had PND after my daughter was born, I got tablets and also went to a support group (appreciate that's difficult at the moment) but there is a lot of support available online too. If you're on Facebook look up Pandas Foundation, their posts helped me through a lot of dark moments. Also try and open up to friends and family about how you are feeling if you can, I was embarrassed to but most were incredibly supportive.

I had recovered within a year and went on to have a son. There is light at the end of the tunnel I promise and you're not alone, you'd be surprised how many new parents have feelings like this.

Also don't feel guilty for missing your old life, you've gone through a major life change and it's only natural you would feel that way. It doesn't make you a bad mum.

Hey OP, my little boy is 5 months old and I feel exactly the same. Long labour, epidural, ventouse and a scarring stay on a post natal ward. Gave up breastfeeding after 6 weeks. Felt like my old life has gone forever and how I never fully appreciated my freedom before.

Covid has made a tough situation a hundred times worse. The overwhelming feeling of being responsible for this little person for the whole day, by yourself, is exhausting; no matter how lovely the baby is.

Not saying this will necessarily work for you, but I am currently doing therapy online, where you message the therapist instead of talking to them. I strangely enjoy the anonymity, and it’s really easy to self refer online, you don’t need to talk to the GP. I don’t know if it is helping yet, but just knowing I am doing something proactive for myself helps.

You are not alone, it’s fucking hard and you are doing an amazing job.

The dog walks with music sound brilliant, keep that up - time for yourself, getting moving, listening to something absorbing: so valuable. Maybe extend them if you can/have the energy. There are loads of motivational/inspirational podcasts out there too - people who have made it their job to lift the spirits of others - so maybe have an explore of some of them?

If you need to cry, cry. Let yourself have a good cry when you need to/can. It releases hormones and progresses you emotionally into a new state so it can be the best choice sometimes. Some researchers claim it releases toxins and reduces stress so never feel bad for having a good cry.

What you’re going through (tricky birth, new baby) is so so hard even in normal times but you are doing it during a pandemic. You are coping, you are caring for your baby - you’re succeeding so hard OP.

It gets easier in stages. You’re half way through the first year now - that’s a great achievement. Before you know if you will feel a shift - a little more breathing space, a bit more calm.

Hi OP, like lots of others, I felt similar to you (and not in covid times). Took ages to bond with baby and wondered what the hell id done with my life. I also got panicked if naps and feeding didn't go right.
It's so hard now with lockdown, it really is, so don't feel like you're failing- it's really hard even in normal times.
As others have said, speak with your husband, and try and get some more time out of the house doing things you enjoy- easier said than done at the moment. But could you go for a walk and get a take away coffee? Listen to an audiobook? Anything to make you feel a bit more human.
Definitely bubble with another family if you haven't already.
And when you're looking after the baby, can you try and structure the day into 'blocks' so- nap time, walk round the block, meal time etc so that it doesn't seem so overwhelming? And just get yourself from block to block? That's what helped me when I felt overwhelmed.
It's the hardest time it really is. Please speak to your husband and GP, because you deserve to feel happy. Even if it's not pnd (frankly who wouldn't be depressed right now with a newborn?) then you still will feel better for talking it through and making a plan. Sending love xx
Ps it also gets so much better and funner- I hated the first year and going back to work part time was the making of me as a mum. My toddler is hilarious and fun and interesting, and I also don't have to look after him for 3 days a week thanks to work...

Some great advice here. I just wanted to say don't be afraid to take short cuts, do things badly, sit down and have some time for yourself in the middle of the chaos pit that is the kitchen you haven't tidied all week....

It's not a competition. You're not a bad mum. Baby is fed, clothed, loved and cared for. That's all you really need to cover and you're already doing it. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself the advice you would give your best friend in your position.

And... it will get better. First six months are the hardest. It will also get different (passionate arguments with your toddler about whether they need to wear socks are probably in your future) but it's less dreary and incomprehensible.

Xxx