4.5 year old change in behaviour

[FebruaryJuly]

Over the past 1-2 months, we are desperately struggling with our 4.5 year old son’s behaviour. I am really upset about this because he has NEVER (before this) acted like this (he didn’t ever really have terrible twos! Could this be a delayed terrible twos phase!?) This is a big change in his behaviour. Before a month or so ago, he did as we asked (with the odd exception), he was more patient, he never shouted or screamed, he always used his manners and never spoke disrespectfully.

Recently, he has started screaming, shouting things like “shut up”, “I don’t care”, “I AM FEELING RED (angry)”. I am worried about him as he is also getting very paranoid saying that everybody thinks he is stupid and nobody likes him - when I ask who, he lists every single person who he knows. The way he answers us, even when saying “yes” or “I know”, his attitude in his voice is just like a teenager. This is so different to what we are used to for him, he is like a different child. He spends time with my much younger sister, as my mum looks after him a lot. My younger sister is extremely naughty and gets very angry. I have always hated that he spends so much time around her and tried my best to limit it. There is only so much time I can limit him being around her when my mum is our child care...

I feel quite silly that I am saying that, as I am a Year One Teacher and know everything that we would be advising parents with these problems. I know and have tried so many behaviour strategies and constant positive reinforcement all of the time (for his whole life).

I am also 21 weeks pregnant and teaching my own Year One class on Zoom every day all day, so feeling really stressed, tired and emotional at the moment. Please tell me that this is just a phase at this age? I do t know what has changed him or what else to do! We have tried everything.

For the record, my younger sister is 11 years old and she is a nightmare. She fights with my mum on a daily basis and constantly screams. She has been on school behaviour plans for a long time. This is why I try to limit the time he spends with her. X

That sounds hard. Could it be to do with anxious feelings about the new baby? There are some great books for young kids on working through this

@VinoWitch his favourite thing to talk about is the new baby... when we are sat calmly together, he always asks if we can look for baby clothes on the laptop and always brings up positive conversations like "when my little brother comes...". In all, he seems very excited about the new baby and it never seems to be one of his triggers. His triggers are usually when we say no to something or when he can't do something right like building his Lego without it breaking xx

I'm afraid I have no real help, I came here in the hope of some sort of advice for similar myself but just wanted to say you are not alone, our 4.5 year old has turned into a teenager, full of attitude, arguing etc, it's awful and unfortunately I struggle to have the patience for it.

Same here. 4.5 year old is a real handful atm. And my patience is THIN with him. I’m usually a very gentle parent but the last 3 months have really, really tested me.

It is a stage I think, often coincides with starting school and encountering all forms of different behaviour. Maybe they start to try other things out and see what happens? Who knows?

What worked for us was ignoring it to a degree, stepping in quickly if behaviour was unacceptable and introducing incentives for good behaviour (the incentive depending on what works for each individual child). I also found introducing competitive games helped with my boys. Learning to win and lose in company helped them to learn to control their emotions and reactions.

My 4.5 year dold is like this at the moment too, defiant and full of attitude. As above, it coincides with him starting reception, I think all the new personalities there are so big and hes trying to work out which he is and what he can get away with. We have a 6 month old baby too and the big one dotes on him!

I have a 5.5 year old and I could have written this myself - so thank you for posting as it is so reassuring to know we’re not alone! He has reacted badly to Covid, lockdowns and becoming a big brother a year ago. We are also getting more concerning outbursts involving hitting, but the shouting is getting wearing...

Thank you everyone! It is really helpful to hear all of your stories. I too feel that the lockdowns have affected my son, luckily for us (with me full time teaching still), he is in the key worker group. Being in the house with nothing to do, but go on a walk if the weather allows it, has been difficult for him. I have put some of it down to the current circumstances and having so many 'in days'.

It's also reassuring to see that I am not the only one and it seems to be common at this age - thank you! X

@FebruaryJuly, we have to get out every day. We’ve noticed that even on days where DS doesn’t want to go out and insists on a pyjama day, we end up with outbursts later in the day or towards bedtime if we don’t go out. We find a walk or a scoot, even if short, is really important - it’s like having a dog!

Yes very similar for my DS who has just turned 5. He's picked up all sorts from school, and some days we are treading on eggshells. Losing our tempers just makes things worse but it's such a balancing act with trying to set boundaries/address unacceptable behaviour but also not making things worse.

Not sure that it’s relevant, but I heard about the disease PANS PANDAS on the radio once and it really stuck with me that if a child had a sudden behavioural change, this could be the cause

It might be completely irrelevant but maybe have a look at the website just in case:

www.panspandasuk.org/what-are-pans-and-pandas