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Parenting

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Original poster

Do I have to let my ex use my house to see the kids

21 replies

Bollydophie · 09/01/2021 13:11

The house I live in is my house. I moved here before I met my ex and I still live here now. His name is not on the rent and hasn't been since he moved out.
When we split 6 years ago I let him use the house for around 2 years because our daughter wouldnt go anywhere with him unless I was there and he was living in a house share with some unsavory characters (he was renting a room from an estate agent). Once he got his own place he started having them at his place and has been up to now. Hes just told me that next month hes moving in with his girlfriend who lives away around 15 minutes on the train. He only met this lady in the middle of december 2020. He keeps saying that he doesn't know what hes going to do to see the kids because he wont have a house in this area anymore (he has family in the area (the kids grandparents etc) but is refusing to ask if he can use their houses (I dont know why). I've already suggested he takes them out somewhere but hes always complaining that he doesn't have any money. And with lockdown and tiers everything is shut anyway.
From past experiences, he wants me to solve this problem for him, but I'm pretty sure it's his job to sort out what he does with the kids on his visits. He has no right to my house and I know he cant be trusted. He goes through my things etc.
Am I within my rights to refuse him access to my house? I'm not stopping him from seeing the kids just that he cant use my house. I know he'll turn around and say it's my fault he cant see them and I really dont want all that to start up again.

OP posts:

Berthatydfil · 09/01/2021 13:20

Of course you don’t have to facilitate his contact in your home.
If he keeps hinting just go grey rock and change the subject.

LIZS · 09/01/2021 13:25

No you don't. He'll have to use a park or take them to gp or gf house.

Beamur · 09/01/2021 13:27

No you don't. He's got no right to use your house.

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Thatwentbadly · 09/01/2021 13:28

Just keep saying to him “I’m sure you find a solution.” Or laugh and say ‘Surely you will take her into your home like all other parents do.”

Honeybobbin · 09/01/2021 13:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/01/2021 13:29

No, you absolutely do NOT have to give him access to your house, and frankly I think you'd be a mug to do so.

"He keeps saying that he doesn't know what hes going to do to see the kids because he wont have a house in this area anymore (he has family in the area (the kids grandparents etc) but is refusing to ask if he can use their houses (I dont know why)."
There's his answer. And your children would get to see their grandparents too, bonus! His refusing to ask them means if there's any fault to be attached, it attaches to him, not you.

"I know he'll turn around and say it's my fault he cant see them and I really dont want all that to start up again."
He'll do that anyway, won't he? Blame you? If he wanted to see them he'd ask his parents to bring his children to there, or just keep his own home. If he CHOOSES to not see them, it cannot be your fault, it can only be his. So how bad can his 'saying' it's your fault be, since you KNOW it's not? You need to let what he says be water off a duck's back. If he drips poison into your children's ears then you put a rocket up his arse for lying to his children.

He sounds remarkably foolish to give up having his own home for a relationship of less than a month's duration. She could throw him out next week if she chose to. TBH it all sounds like a financial decision on his part, he's quite the sponger?

And "our daughter wouldnt go anywhere with him unless I was there" - that's quite concerning. How old is your daughter?

Original poster

Bollydophie · 09/01/2021 13:37

I get the feeling hes fallen out with his family as they have often told him hes been in the wrong about different things and hes pretty much an "everyone's against me because what I'm saying is right" kind of guy.
I have no idea why he wont entertain taking them to his new place. He only sees them for a couple of hours at a time, never had them for longer than half a day since we split. I do know his gf has kids of her own.
The bit about my daughter, she was 2 at the time and a mummy's girl. She wouldnt go anywhere that wasn't with me. I should've added, shes 7 now and fine with going with him.
This isn't the first time hes moved away. He moved 4 hours away to be with a previous girlfriend (after a very short relationship again) and they split up within 3 months so he moved back locally. I should also add that the reasons she gave him for splitting up with him were exactly the same reasons that I had for splitting with him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bollydophie · 09/01/2021 13:41

It often seems that his "time" with them is for appearances. Have them long enough to take a few pictures (of them sitting in his house watching YouTube etc, he never takes them anywhere). I can count on both hands the amount of time hes taken them anywhere in the past 6 years.
So long enough to take some photos to share with all his friends on facebook so that everyone can say hes a good dad and his kids are cute. Baring in mind most of his facebook friends are internet friends who dont even really know him in person only his internet persona. His actual real life friends dont comment on anything he posts about the kids because they know what hes like.

OP posts:

Love51 · 09/01/2021 13:41

When you broke up you stopped being responsible for solving his problems. It wouldn't be appropriate.
Also 15 minutes is nothing! Obviously there will be waiting around time at the station but it really isn't far. It isn't even a problem that needs solving.

HGDavid · 09/01/2021 13:49

Here we have to look at the difference between right and rights. Is your daughter happier, safer near her mother. Don't like the sound of 'unsavoury characters' In these lockdown times do you need to be the bigger person even though it must be uncomfortable and an intrution on your life. Would it diminish your daughters happiness?

Original poster

Bollydophie · 09/01/2021 14:00

@HGDavid

The unsavory characters were a while ago. That's been fine since he got his own place. And shes fine to go with him anywhere now. It's pretty much as I said before, he wants me to solve his problem by giving up my house. I cant be in the same room as him. I'm civil in front of the kids but everything he does annoys me.

If I knew he wouldnt go through my stuff I probably wouldnt mind as much but I know he will.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bollydophie · 09/01/2021 14:01

Plus I have the issue that hes not in my bubble. Although hes in the kids bubble. And hes not exactly sticking to the rules. I'm in work every day at a school so I have those bubbles as well but allowing him in would mean I wouldnt be able to see my mum, who is in my support bubble.

OP posts:

HGDavid · 09/01/2021 14:14

It does seem a big ask. I could can't understand because my ex wife is my best friend. Known her since school. Grew our kids in her belly how could I not respect her. Never needed that thing with child support as she is still my accountant and a second dan blackbelt. Ouch.

audweb · 09/01/2021 14:16

Nope it’s his problem to solve. I know, I’ve been there but you have provided somewhere for you to live with your daughter, it’s really up to him to do the same.

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/01/2021 15:18

"I have no idea why he wont entertain taking them to his new place."
Because then his new girlfriend will see what a crap dad he is and throw him out? Knowing him for less than a month, her knowledge of his relationship with his children is all from his Facebook photos/his lies.

"This isn't the first time hes moved away. He moved 4 hours away to be with a previous girlfriend (after a very short relationship again) and they split up within 3 months so he moved back locally."
I'm guessing he didn't see the children during these three months? So he drops in and out of their lives as and when he pleases, never has them overnight - I would not be facilitating him in any way. I'd facilitate the children's relationship with their grandparents and his side of the family, but I'd let him do the work to keep his relationship going with his children.

milienhaus · 09/01/2021 15:27

No you absolutely do not - this is his problem and not anything to do with you.

Original poster

Bollydophie · 09/01/2021 15:57

@WhereYouLeftIt

"I have no idea why he wont entertain taking them to his new place." Because then his new girlfriend will see what a crap dad he is and throw him out? Knowing him for less than a month, her knowledge of his relationship with his children is all from his Facebook photos/his lies.

I do facilitate with their grandparents. They have regular contact with the children as often as possible. I have done ever since we split, its not their fault or the kids fault that I dont get along with him anymore. They wont get involved with any issues with him either, if I thought telling them what's happening would make a difference I would, so theres definitely something that has happened between them.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bollydophie · 09/01/2021 15:59

@HGDavid

I wish we were still friends but I just cant be friends with him. In civil towards him when the kids are around and I dont bad mouth him to them or in front of them. I'm not saying we'll never be friends, but we haven't got to that point yet.

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/01/2021 16:45

"I do facilitate with their grandparents. They have regular contact with the children as often as possible. I have done ever since we split, its not their fault or the kids fault that I dont get along with him anymore."

Sounds like you're doing all the right things then. The only thing you need to do now is - be kinder to yourself and work on not letting him get to you.

You said "I know he'll turn around and say it's my fault he cant see them and I really dont want all that to start up again." You know he'll turn it around, and that doesn't make you at fault it just makes him a dick. If you can sort of stand back from it inside your head, dispassionately watch as he blames you and just think 'there he goes again' - you'll know you're immune to his crap now.

Best wishes.

HGDavid · 10/01/2021 10:16

As I understand you 'facilitate' with grandparents which I assume means his parents. That changes this why can't he make the effort and visit there?

evenBetter · 10/01/2021 10:30

You’ve put way too much thought and time into this, it’s his issue entirely. He doesn’t go into your home, he doesn’t get to question, whine or drone on about it, ‘I’m sure you’ll figure something out, bye.’ ‘What a shame. Drop them back by 6, bye.’ ‘Nope.’

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