Am I being unreasonable?

[ChocoLover7]

Apologies for the long post.

I live with my in laws and my baby is the first grandchild on my husband's side and my side, so he's very very loved by everyone. Since the beginning my mother in law has always been very hands on (which I appreciate because my baby can be difficult) but she oversteps her boundaries sometimes. I've spoken up in the past and she's gotten upset with me so I try to stay quiet for the sake of not making things awkward between us.

Recently she keeps asking if she can take him out in his pram alone. I made an excuse saying its cold outside. The truth is I'm uncomfortable with anyone taking him out on a busy road. A few weeks ago she wanted him to sleep with her in her bed for the night. Again I protested and said no because I want him by my side in his crib. She got upset with me again and the other night she was calming him down after he was crying a lot (teething problems) and she put him to sleep IN HER BED. I asked her to please bring him back once he wakes up in a few hours time...she didn't.

I'm looking at purchasing a cot for him when he outgrows his bedside crib in a few weeks time. Our room is a little small so we asked if we could have the spare room. She made a face and suggested we keep the cot in her room. Why would I do that?! What makes her think I'd be ok with my baby sleeping in her room every single night.

I just feel like she doesn't respect my decisions as a mother and does whatever she feels like doing. I'm grateful to have her help but she oversteps her boundaries and gets angry at me whenever I say something. My husband has gotten involved before but he isn't firm with her because he doesn't want to upset her. My feelings are invalidated and I feel like I never bonded with my baby from the beginning because she didn't let me, and I can't help feeling like she's taking him away. She genuinely thinks she's his mother!

We are hoping to move out in a year or so but am I supposed to stay quiet until then? I can't sit her down and explain myself because she'll get upset with me and we've had rifts in the past so I'm trying really hard to maintain a good relationship with her, but she's making it extremely difficult for me.

Any advice? Am I being unreasonable? Thanks for reading if you made it this far!

You need to start packing imo. Or in a year's time you will have a battle on your hands. Stop bloody pandering to her. She gets huffy? Great she can stop speaking to you. Sound a bonus. Woman up op. And get your dh to tell her to back the fuck off.

She's a nut case. Where is your other half in all of this? Why isn't he telling her to back the hell off.
Living under her roof is the last place you should be, but I know from family experience housing is near on impossible.

Taking the baby for a walk wouldn't bother me but WTF she put him in her bed?? He's not a teddy bear and that's a very risky thing to do if you don't follow safety guidance.

Try to move out sooner, stay quiet until then

Stop asking and start doing. Get up and go and get your baby. Do it wordlessly if she’s ignored a polite request.

Have you slipped into the habit of her being the default carer at all?
By staying quiet to keep the peace, she has claimed territory and is looking to increase it unchallenged.
Are you both contributing financially and in terms of chores?

You need to set the boundaries with her. Be clear on what you are happy she does or doesn't do the stick to it. You need to speak up or the relationship will sour long term.

Walks in the Oran - fine but in this weather very short amounts of time etc

Sleeping arrangements - no

Also where is your partner in this - it's his mother after all and he needs to speak to her too.

The thing is, this isn't YOUR baby, it is your and your husbands baby, so if this is all ok with him, he gets the same say as you.

I was about to say YABU for not letting her take your baby out in the pram, but then I read on. She sounds absolutely bonkers tbh. I think its time to leave as soon as you can.

A walk is fine...wanting the cot in her room is not. I think her dominance is feeding your anxiety so you’re losing perspective. It’s not all or nothing. Yes to the walk, no to the cot in her bedroom.

In other news, there is only one workable solution and that’s to move out.

P.s I realise it’s not a simple as just move out. But there it is. You need to be living on your own.

We had my mum living with us when our daughter was born. My mum was a huge help but did seem to act like she was the 3rd parent. My husband and I had to be quite firm about it being our baby so our rules which didn't always go down well. The situation was so much better when my mum got her own place (which was always the plan) so do move out as soon as you can.
Having said this, my mum was nowhere near as bad as you MIL sounds. Putting the cot in her room seems really weird. I think you have to tell her that you are his mother and what you want for him has to be respected. Does it really matter if she gets upset? It sounds like she doesn't care about making you upset.

My now Ex mother in law interfered for the 9 months we lived with her. My Ex wife was to scared to step in.
I thought things would be better once we got our own house. I couldn't of been more wrong as she insisted on see her granddaughter virtually every single day for the next 10 years.
As you can understand this put a huge strain on us as a family.
Please put a stop to this as soon as possible

I’d move out as soon as you possibly can. Living with her obviously isn’t working and, if she is letting you live there for your benefit (rather than her living with you by her choice for example), it’s possible she feels that she has more say since it’s her house.

In the meantime, ask nicely once then take your baby back and don’t offer excuses or apologies. I really think you need to be blunt and make it clear she that she doesn’t have the authority to override you.

If she ignores your polite requests I don’t think there is a way to handle this that won’t upset her, but she obviously doesn’t mind upsetting you.

Fucking hell, this is ridiculous. Get out of that house and keep your nutter MIL at a distance.