Should I have a third?

[paintedpanda]

How did you know it was right to have another baby?

I have a DD (10) and a DS (8) from my marriage. I'm now divorced and have been with DP for 2 years. All I can think about is having another with DP. I hear names and wonder whether they would be nice for a baby, whether they'd go with my DCs names, whether they'd go with DPs surname. I see pictures of friends babies and birth announcements and get jealous. I can picture our child running around as a toddler, calling him daddy, playing with their older siblings.

On the other hand, I had a hard time after the birth of my DC with PND. I know babies are expensive. There are things that would need to come first before having a baby, leaving the age gap between DS and new baby would be around 10/11 years, which is such a big gap and would I really want to start again after my DS starting to get a little independence. If DP left me, I would be alone with 3 DC which terrifies me. I was alone with the eldest from ages 3 and 1. I can do it but it was hard work.

DP isn't opposed to having a baby but equally would be happy with just my two. He is apprehensive because he's never done it before, but it's all I think about. I can weigh up all the pros and cons as much as I like but sometimes I want another and other times I'm not so sure.
I'm not asking whether you think I should have one, but maybe would you have one in these circumstances? How would you know it was right?

Anyone?

The current CV situation wouldn't put me off. But, I woud not want anymore once my kids were frmly out of the baby /toddler stage. I would ot want to go back to that, especially if I had suffered PND. I would just enjoy the two I have.

You can only do what's right for you in your circumstances. I've got two children and the thought of having another fills me with dread, frankly... Going back to the baby days, the stress, the expense, being pulled in so many directions, the expanded mental load, the need for a bigger house, car etc. But that is me! I know lots of people who have three and love it - you might too.

Not very helpful, sorry.

Hi! I always wanted a big family and when I had my second I never felt ‘done’. We have a 4yr old, 2.5yr old and a 6 month old. If you can afford it, I don’t think you ever can regret having more, but you often hear people saying they wish they’d had more.. do what you can afford, and I mean that in terms of money and your love and time! I know I’m done at 3 because I feel if I had more I’d be taking away time from the others, but we’re all different! xxx

@user1467296110

Hi! I always wanted a big family and when I had my second I never felt ‘done’. We have a 4yr old, 2.5yr old and a 6 month old. If you can afford it, I don’t think you ever can regret having more, but you often hear people saying they wish they’d had more.. do what you can afford, and I mean that in terms of money and your love and time! I know I’m done at 3 because I feel if I had more I’d be taking away time from the others, but we’re all different! xxx

There are a number of threads on MN that indicate the opposite. Your opinion is just that - yours.

The number of children people have is very much a personal thing, so no-one can answer it for you OP. What I will say is that women whose partners are ambivalent about a/another child tend to end up doing most or all of the childcare themselves.

Sorry not sure I follow, indicate what?

That they do regret another child.

Personally I wouldn't, it sounds like you want one just so that you have a 'together' baby, which for me wouldn't be a good enough reason. You also need to think of the impact on your other two children, positive and negative. It's up to you, but these are my thoughts. Also you seem unsure about the relationship lasting and possibly being alone.

Could you cope with twins/ triplets?

It happens.

I would be concerned as it appears YOU want the baby but your childless partner is meh about it. I have a DD (8) from an previous marriage, my partner who is childless has always wanted his own child. So our decision to have one together seems right, if he was apprehensive about it then no way would I had another and put myself at greater risk of being a single mum again. A baby is a bomb in a relationship!

It's definitely a personal thing. If it had taken to long to conceive DC2 I think we'd have stopped at 1. Once out of the baby/toddler stage the last thing I'd want to do is go back to it.

Lots of women are happy not having children and lots of regret having children/more children. Only you can decide if it's worth risking another potentially difficult pregnancy with a partner who isn't mad keen on having children. Personally I cannot understand the drive for more children. Can't you think of anything else to do?

Tough one. Definetly weigh up the pros and cons. I had a very very tough time after dd was born but always wanted another baby. Pregnant now and very happy. Dp has come round to the idea of another.
Trying to say you won't really know how you feel until you actually are pregnant.

I’ve got 3 and I love it but mine are all under 6. In the situation you’ve described, I don’t think I would for the following reasons;

1. You’re well out of the baby/toddler stage so it will probably hit you that the things you’ve becoming used to doing with older children might be harder with a baby / toddler.
2. Days out and holidays will probably be difficult to plan when you’ve to accommodate for at best an 8/9 year age gap and at worst a 10/11 year old age gap. Your children are too old for the play centre but not old enough to be out with mates instead on weekends.
3. Your partner doesn’t seem bothered.

Thanks for all your comments, they've given me something to think about.

Just to stick up for him, it isn't that DP "isn't bothered". He is apprehensive because he has never done it before. He's very good with my DC and the babies in our families. He's just a worrier.

Hi OP, I have 2 dc, and I have been thinking of a third also.

I just wanted to share something I read, a lady who had 3 said when making the decision; to think of the whole package, into the future, as the baby years are so short so to think past the baby years to when they are all older around the dinner table and ask yourself is that what you are longing for, a bigger family, or is it that you are broody and want a baby.

I hope I have explained that in a way that makes sense (not sure that I have 🧐) but anyway, I found that quite helpful to think of the future with a third, and it made me realise I do want a bigger family, although then I have a bad day with my two angels and go back to thinking maybe 2 is more sensible 😂.

All the best with whatever you decide you want/feel able for, some people have 6 and love it and others have 1 and feel they have had as much as they can deal with, as @user1467296110 said, we are all different and you will know yourself what is right in time. 🙂

I just wanted to share something I read, a lady who had 3 said when making the decision; to think of the whole package, into the future, as the baby years are so short so to think past the baby years to when they are all older around the dinner table and ask yourself is that what you are longing for, a bigger family, or is it that you are broody and want a baby.

I think this is a very valid point.
Teenagers are expensive and stressful. They need you far more on an emotional level than small children. I found it quite mentally draining dealing with the issues DD had to face - friendship issues, bullying, relationship issues, GCSEs, A levels, UCAS and the £££££ cost of supporting her through university.

I'm glad I only had to go through this the once.

Don’t do it