Do I change their names?

[Everybodyjump]

DP and I planned to get married some years ago, but when a very close family member died, who I adored and basically saved me from a life of misery, I couldn't imagine a wedding without them there for a while. So the wedding was delayed.

I then discovered I had some possible fertility issues due to large fibroids and endometriosis, so after treatment, contraception went out the window to allow nature to take it's course even though we weren't actively "trying for a baby."

I fell pregnant straight away without trouble and we made the decision to give DC DPs surname (yes, I know what you're all thinking) because the plan still, was to get married and me have his surname as I've never liked mine much.

Then, we fell accidentally pregnant again 6 months afterwards, so after viewing venues, the wedding was again, delayed. I suggested a quick registry office to make us officially married but DP assured me that after DC2, we would begin arranging the wedding for sure!

DC2 came along and DP completely changed. He has showed himself to be selfish, manipulative and greedy. I now do not want to marry him.

DC1 (now 4) is requesting lately that she has "the same names as both Mummy and Daddy" and I think she has a point. I hate that DCs have a different surname to me and I don't intend on marrying their father now as I am planning very much to separate from him this year.

My only reservation is that I don't like my surname. It's not the actual name that's the issue, but more to do with the family I'm from. As a teenager, I couldn't wait to lose the name, because my Dad was a bully (his family name) and I've later discovered that so was his father. My grandmother changed her name as soon as she could after he died and my own mother changed hers as soon as she divorced my Dad. I feel like I'm going backwards giving the DCs my name when I thought I'd moved on and away from my Father.

What should I do?

Could you give them the name your mother changed hers to, and at the same time change yours as well?

You could change your name to the same as your DCs. I know that will mean having your soon to be ex's name but you would have anyway if you had married.

Change your surname to march theirs by deedpoll.

DC1 (now 4) is requesting lately that she has "the same names as both Mummy and Daddy" and I think she has a point

But if you changed their names to your surname they still wouldn't have the same name as mummy and daddy

Hindsight is a wonderful thing but yes you should've given them your surname, I made the same mistake. My DS has my ex's surname as I was convinced we would eventually get married. It's just something I've had to deal with but I can honestly say DS has never mentioned it or said anything like they wish we had the same name.

If he doesn’t agree you can’t
You could apply to court for a specific issue rider but unlikely they’d change them

*order

@Octoblockswim12345678swim

Could you give them the name your mother changed hers to, and at the same time change yours as well?

Seema like a good choice? Honestly though 4 year olds say all kinds of things, I expect she'll forget soon. It sounds like you've got bigger fish to fry.

But if you changed their names to your surname they still wouldn't have the same name as mummy and daddy

What the child is saying, per OP, is that she wants "the same names as both" together, so Mummy's-Daddy's. She presumably knows OP and the father don't have the same surname.

OP, you might have negative associations with your surname because of your father and grandmother, but your daughter associates this surname with you and thinks of it positively. I don't think this is going backwards. However, have you ever considered taking your mother's surname? (Presumably the one she had all her life prior to the marriage). It seems strange that you have such negative feeling towards the surname you have but appear to have considered yourself "stuck" with it (while seemingly having plenty other family options) outside of marriage.

Unless their father agrees you can not change their names (until they are 16). You can change yours though.

DP himself said he would agree to a double barrelled surname joining his name and mine. Sorry should have explained clearly in my OP.

@Everybodyjump

DP himself said he would agree to a double barrelled surname joining his name and mine. Sorry should have explained clearly in my OP.

Double barrelled is totally different and if he has agreed and you’ve done this your kids have your surname too

I have thought of changing my name to my mother's maiden name, but I think this would confuse DD more so if I changed my name and then changed hers to it too.

That makes this original dilemma redundant unless you are saying you want to jettison his surname altogether

Think I'm just disappointed that we all won't have the same family name as previously thought.

But, changing my name to match DPs via deed poll feels a little odd too.

I perhaps need to shake off the negative perceptions I have of my own surname and double barrel.

Do you have a surname that could be merged with the DC surname?

Either your current surname or your Mums maiden name?

So it would be a new name altogether.

Yes @randomMess I think this would work. DP would never agree to it though. He says he would more likely agree with a double-barrelled name with his surname first, mine second. I don't mind which order they go in.
I just need to get over the way I feel about my own surname I think.
Also, if I ever did marry, I could keep my current surname and double-barrel with any new partner so that I always have "part" of my surname the same as DCs.

You could change your surname to anyone you like before the DC being changed including double barrelling yourself your Mum's maiden name with your DPs

Don't see it as your DPs surname but as theirs.

If you don't like your surname you don't like it so do consider changing it.