Annual Christmas arrangements when in-laws don't live nearby?

[LadyLouOf2]

So, a few years ago DH and I relocated from the city to my home area. My DH's parents live in Ireland (DH is Irish). They are 62 and 63 to, v fit and healthy, one of them still working. For them to get over to us it's a 30 min drive to the port, boat over (v easy journey, we also always pay for a private cabin for them) and then a 40 min drive the other end to our house. All v straightforward. Reality is, we rarely see them. They seem to think it is our duty to travel to them (with two kids under three and all the baggage that comes with that). I can tolerate that on a general day-to-day basis and it essentially means we can control when we see them which is great BUT at Christmas I have a real bugbear about having to go over there, with the kids and all presents in tow.

They won't come over to us, no matter how many times I ask. They're a bit funny, it's like they feel they'd be intruding and that they should be the hosts at Xmas. I'd love to have everyone with us but they just won't do it.

DH, also, who to be fair lives every day in my home area, says that he wants to get back to Ireland at Christmas. He is a massive fan of Christmas and loves going into Dublin town etc on Christmas Eve.

My issue is that I want to start little family traditions for our little unit of 4. And hopefully some day more kids. If we even lived away from my home area, I'd still want it to be at home, whenever that is. I want us to sit in our own home on Xmas eve in front of the fire in our matching Pjs. I want the kids to have Santa come to THEIR house and not have to say he'll know to find them in Ireland. I am not against going over for a week up to say 23 December, or to go there first thing on Boxing Day until after NYE (that's what we'd planned to do this year, but Covid of course wouldn't allow so we stayed out at home). We actually had a really lovely Christmas at home the four of us and my husband keeps saying that, but he still does resent the fact that I've said no more Christmas days in Ireland and that anyone who wants to visit us are welcome to do so and stay with us, but that for Christmas Eve any Christmas Day I want us in our own home.

AIBU?! Does anyone here (reluctantly) alternate Christmases?! I feel a bit mean depriving him of getting back to his home for Christmas, but at the same time THIS is now his home, with his kids and I.

YABU. It’s unfair to deprive your husband of ever having Christmas at home with his parents because you don’t want to make the effort. It’s as much about what he wants as what you want.

You certainly don’t have to do it every year, but every 2 or 3 would be fair and reasonable.

Take turns of going there and staying home. That's fair.

How often do you see your parents, OP? Is it a lot more than DH sees his?

We don't visit extended family on Christmas Day (but do before or after Christmas Day) but that's something both DH and I both chose and agreed on. If DH really wants to go back to Ireland for Christmas (particularly if you see your parents a lot more than he sees his) I think you have to compromise on every other year. Or maybe one year in 3, if you also don't see your parents much.

@RedskyAtnight

How often do you see your parents, OP? Is it a lot more than DH sees his?

We don't visit extended family on Christmas Day (but do before or after Christmas Day) but that's something both DH and I both chose and agreed on. If DH really wants to go back to Ireland for Christmas (particularly if you see your parents a lot more than he sees his) I think you have to compromise on every other year. Or maybe one year in 3, if you also don't see your parents much.

We see mine almost daily 😬 They look after the kids 2 days a week for us. His parents of course live further away but also make absolutely zero effort.

We spent Xmas in Ireland last year, the feeling being our DD was just 18 months so none the wiser, and DS hadn't arrived by then. It was a car crash. I had loads of nice stuff planned for Xmas eve, but MIL decides to go out to visit distant relatives and come back at midnight so we saw her Xmas morn. We'd bought DD a trike, next thing I come home from a quick 30 mins supermarket trip on Xmas eve afternoon and FIL had found an almost identical trike in the attic and brought it down for DD so she's going mad playing to an almost identical gift to what I'd bought her for Xmas, so then ours didn't feel special. It was just terrible. Lugging all the gifts over there, all the stress of packing everything up beforehand. I much prefer having it at home and it's so much less stress.

Your in-laws are being a bit unreasonable refusing to travel over and stay with you, especially as you say you have kids and presents in tow. Why do they think they need to host? Do they think it's their "duty" as parents or something? What does your husband think about it?

I think a really important consideration here is what your husband wants. If he truly wants to go and spend Christmas at his parents' house (and it sounds like he does?), then you shouldn't deny him that and you should alternate. Especially as he is living in your home town the rest of the time.

But if he's just caving in to his parents' wishes because they are being unreasonable and won't come to you, then that needs to be challenged.

YABU.
It would be reasonable to alternate.
Once you are in an extended family you can't control everything all the time.
We have packed up presents etc for years - it's not that big a deal.

Alternating is fair. You are totally reasonable to like Christmas days at home but you don't need every Christmas at home. Agree to Christmas day in Ireland in 2021 (or in 2022 if the Pandemic is still raging a year from now let's hope not though!) on the understanding that it will be at home the following year.

I love Christmas days at home, but miss having wider family with us. I love Christmas days with my parents (though they can be a bit loud and overbearing and DH finds them very difficult). I like Christmas days with DH's parents (though they are a bit dull, I don't mind them occasionally). We mix it up and don't expect to do our favourite things every year.

@wildraisins

Your in-laws are being a bit unreasonable refusing to travel over and stay with you, especially as you say you have kids and presents in tow. Why do they think they need to host? Do they think it's their "duty" as parents or something? What does your husband think about it?

I think a really important consideration here is what your husband wants. If he truly wants to go and spend Christmas at his parents' house (and it sounds like he does?), then you shouldn't deny him that and you should alternate. Especially as he is living in your home town the rest of the time.

But if he's just caving in to his parents' wishes because they are being unreasonable and won't come to you, then that needs to be challenged.

Ah no DH would absolutely love to go. He's suggested alternating each year which objectively I agree is fair. I'm the one being difficult 😬

I completely agree it's not fair to expect a family with young children to travel any distance for overnights at Christmas. When they're older and need less luggage it's not so bad. I would be staying at home while they're preschool age, and then alternating every other year. Nobody ever comes to us at Christmas either, OP, it's really sad. I'd love the chance to host but neither my side nor DH's will have it.

@ArtemisBean

I completely agree it's not fair to expect a family with young children to travel any distance for overnights at Christmas. When they're older and need less luggage it's not so bad. I would be staying at home while they're preschool age, and then alternating every other year. Nobody ever comes to us at Christmas either, OP, it's really sad. I'd love the chance to host but neither my side nor DH's will have it.

What I have said, I am happy to travel and to go there once the kids stop "believing", and that whilst my in-laws are young enough to travel to us and fit and healthy, they should come to us and not to expect the grandchildren to travel and all the hassle that brings for us. Obviously that doesn't address my husband's feelings 😢 my parents would travel to us every other year no matter where we lived, even if that was the other side of the world but i admit they have a slightly obsessive relationship with the grandkids and my in laws are the opposite

Afraid I agree where you say you're the one being difficult- we, roughly, alternate who's family we're with on Christmas day. Can stay at home if it's my family, or travel if it's his (or arrange accommodation for his mum who is disabled if it's not a global pandemic).

Do I want to trek around with child and two dogs and disrupt our normal pattern? no. Is it probably the morally best thing to do, yes.

If you got it so they came one time, your parents one year, then you went to them, only every third year and by then it's more of an adventure for the kids etc

I think as you see your parents so much, it's pretty fair to say you'll go to your inlaws every couple of years. How would you feel if your DH said that he didn't want you to see your parents so often as he thought you should spend more time in you own "little bubble"?

I get that it's a palaver to transport luggage, however can't you ask you inlaws to buy/beg/borrow all the main baby equipment for their house so you don't have to take it with you? That will make your life a bit easier.

The trouble with waiting until the children stop believing (other than DH not wanting to) is there's then a pretty small gap before your oldest won't want to come at all. And she's even less likely to want to come if she's never been there at Christmas previously.

My in-laws live in France and so far the plan has been to alternate Christmas in England with Christmas in France with his family.

I honestly sympathise greatly with both of you. This year was the first Christmas we actually had in our own house because of Covid (previously when it was our turn to spend Christmas in England we went to my parents') and I LOVED it and will definitely want to do the same in two years' time. But on the other hand sympathise with your husband. Christmas has so much of an emotional attachment for so many people and it would be sad if he was NEVER able to spend Christmas in his home town ever again. (I have no sympathy for your in-laws tbh, they just sound lazy quite frankly). Also when I was a kid we alternated Christmas at my parents' and Christmas at one of my gran's and I loved it so much and it was magical, we loved the big adventure going to my gran's, and we also loved the cosiness of Christmas at home... the alternation just added to the fun. Also there are some advantages for you... you won't have to cook and do all the shopping... think of the positives!

I agree though with what Redskyatnight said - make your in-laws provide the high chairs, travel cots etc. and just flat out say you can't come otherwise, because there's no room in the car.

I understand where you’re coming from; since having my second DC we said to family that they are welcome to come to us and we’ll travel before and after if necessary but we will be spending Christmas Day at home; my DHs reasons are the same as yours in terms of making our traditions etc and while I’m a bit sad not to spend it at my mums I can’t see how we’d fit 2 children, all the luggage and child related stuff and all their presents into a car especially without them seeing the presents that are supposed to be from Father Christmas. Luckily My mum and pil were more than happy to hand over the responsibility for hosting Christmas. I do think it’s selfish on your pil part to expect you to travel but it’s tricky if your DH wants to go home and unless he changes his mind then I’m not sure it’s fair to insist.

Hi I know this is an old thread, but I’m pretty much in exactly the same situation as you and wondered whether you’d come to any agreement with your DH?

This issue has caused endless rows between myself and DH, not helped by the fact that MIL was incredibly interfering and forceful when we had our first child and I was suffering from PN depression last year. My DH is also Irish and Christmas for him is the big extended family get together that he can have back at his mum’s in Ireland. Everyone won’t travel over to us as there’s just too many of them and we can’t ‘recreate it’ outside of Ireland and I’m kind of being labelled as ‘breaking up the family’ by wanting to remain at home. I understand exactly how you feel as now we have our own child too it’s important to me that we spend Christmas in our own home and start our own family traditions. Just as DH’s mum did for all of her kids, I want to create happy memories for my boys of Christmases in their own home. I want to host their Christmas while they still believe, I don’t want that taken away from me by MIL. Like you I’m happy to host family here or visit them from Boxing Day onwards.

Sorry for the rant I just wanted to let you know really that I understand where you are coming from and totally empathise. I hope you managed to sort something out with DH. X

We have the same situation where we have to travel to stay with PIL every other Christmas. We block out the weekend before Christmas for our own traditions, but it is not the same as being able to decide what happens on the day. We are staying nearby rather than at their house - would that be a possibility at all? That way at least you will have some space from your MIL @Curiouserandcuriouser1?
I try to think of it as a bonus for my DC that they get this different experience, and I use it as an excuse to go max Christmas in our house from 1 Dec! Also I make sure DH and I get out one evening - get some babaysitting out of it! But I understand it must be painful if there are unresolved issues around how your MIL treated you during a vulnerable time after the birth.

@Lostthetastefordahlias. Thank you 💐 That’s a good way to look at it and I know what DH wants is just as important too. We did mention staying elsewhere - close enough to go over for Christmas Day but still have a bit of a morning and Christmas Eve to ourselves and the baby as a possible compromise. The mention of staying elsewhere, however, did not go down well as it was felt by mil that we should all stay in her home so she can have everyone together. Cue pressure and guilt tripping to stay with them for the entire Christmas period in a full house of 11 with baby in tow. I think ultimately going to Ireland but staying in our own accommodation nearby will probably be the compromise though between DH and I - good option for you too maybe OP?

We always have the 3 days at home then see family the other holiday days x

We do Christmas the second week in December with my family (but secretly I'm bitter and jealous he sees his all over Christmas and I'd say your dh is the same but may not even realise it yet). You are not unreasonable to have your Christmas with just yourself but you are massively unreasonable saying they're young and carefree at 62 and 63 and the trek to the uk from Ireland is easy. And why shouldn't they want to see their son in their own home?!

Going against the grain, but my daughters loved spending Christmas as my mum and stepdad's. Their house was better set up for Christmas than ours. My mum died last year and we're going to really miss celebrating at hers. I would alternate sets of parents, and you and DH get to choose whether you spend it your home or in the parents' house

Yabu- you could negotiate to reduce the frequency and extend the length (eg once every 3 years but stay for 7-10 days) but it’s pretty mean to say every xmas should be at your home when DH would like to go to his parents.

I do think it’s different when you have kids though. Christmas is really about the kids for families that have them and I think they should be able to have special days like Christmas in their own home with their parents hosting and creating little traditions. There’s plenty of time around the festive season to visit other relatives, or you could always spend part of the day at other family member’s homes (if you live or are staying nearby) or invite people to stay. It would be nice to meet up with other family members at some point in the day I’m sure, but I do agree with the op that her DH has his own family now and if it’s important to the OP to host their own children’s Christmas while they still believe (a very short time), then I think that should take priority for at least part of the day. It does depend on your relationship with your in laws though. Mine is very strained so I’m probably biased.

We did it every other year. I still resent it because they never bothered to travel to us any other year, and when the kids were small it seemed so stupid carrying huge boxed presents across the country and bringing them back again. It's hard though, because one year we were on our own with small children and it felt a bit sad not to see any other family, but it's different for me as we live far away from both sets of parents and all out siblings.

I'd try and go every other year or every 3rd year.

We have something similar, my in-laws are at the other end of the country ( so a plane ride or 10+ hour drive). I know they would like to see us, but only for a few hours at a time. So it’s really hard work with a little one. We have to stay in a hotel if visiting them, so it works out really expensive after flights, accommodation and food. We won’t be doing actual Christmas Day with them, but will see them for a long weekend before Christmas. It’s hard as I want my DH to be happy, but it is really hard work bringing everything with us.