Encouraging toddlers to stand up for themselves

[jabice]

I was just wondering what people's views are on encouraging your toddlers to stand up for themselves?

I have a 3 year old Daughter who is very confident and has no trouble standing up for herself at all. She has a lovely temperament, is really friendly and chatty and isn't aggressive at all.

She has a friend who is (on the whole) lovely, but he has a tendency to lash out and push other children. He has pushed my Daughter a few times, and on every occasion she has just pushed him back. She doesn't get angry and it doesn't turn in to a fight etc, but she will push him back every single time he does it.

While I don't encourage any sort of violence, a part of me is really proud of her for sticking up for herself. I spoke to her after they had a pushing match the other day and I said it's ok to stick up for yourself, but make sure we never push anyone first. I know that she wouldn't push anyone first. She just isn't that way.

Would you encourage your child to stick up for themselves, or would you tell them they are not to push back etc? Obviously I don't want to teach her that violence is ok, but surely it can only be a good thing that she doesn't take any crap off others?

Umm, no, she shouldn't be pushing him back! She should be saying "don't push me" and then walking away!

The golden rule must ways be "de-escalate, don't retaliate".

Think I would prefer 'don't push me' and removing themselves from pushing distance

Ridiculously, I hadn't even thought of her just saying "don't push me".

I imagine he would continue to push her regardless, but maybe it would work. The boys Mum doesn't say anything to him at all as I suspect she's numb to it after this long. So I would feel as if I'm telling my Daughter off when he has initiated it.

Maybe I should tell him to stop but I feel like I'm overstepping boundaries?

Are you seriously watching them pushing each other and not intervening?! Both parents?

I can't imagine that. Yes, you should tell him immediately: not tell him off in a way that oversteps but say 'X, that's not nice, we don't push' and physically move your daughter away if he's pushing. And yes you should tell her to tell him not to push, and to tell you/an adult if he does - but that assumes the adult will intervene.

@heydoggie I normally intervene after a push or 2. In all honesty, I'm kind of waiting for his Mum to jump in and say something straight away. She doesn't say anything the first push, so I'm thinking "ok, she will say something now" and when I realise she isn't going to, I then intervene and tell them we don't push and pick my Daughter up. I then make them apologise and have a hug.

They are also not having a big old fight in front of us. If they were mullering each other, I would be stopping it straight away.

I do appreciate the responses though as I obviously haven't been handling this as I should have. I will take this on board and maybe be slightly more proactive straight away!

Depends on the age - have no issue with a pre-verbal child pushing back, but would feel slightly different about a four year old who is perfectly able to say “stop pushing me”.

The only reason not to push back is because often small children push when they feel cornered - DS used to push if somebody got too close to him, and if the other child didn’t back off he would then bite.

Interestingly if anybody pushed him unprompted, or pushed in, or grabbed a toy, he would just crumple. If somebody queued behind him on the slide (not even pushing in) he would burst into tears and climb back down to let them go first. It took months of encouragement to get him confident enough to say “no, DS’s turn”.

He wasn’t aggressive at all, just lashed out if he felt trapped and frightened.

So in the nicest possible way, if your DD can’t tell the difference yet, maybe it’s safer for her to walk away.

Don't make her hug someone who just hurt her!

To put this in the context with an older child, I sit on the exclusion panel at a very large secondary school. I deal with about 10 exclusions per week - lots of these are for physical violence.

Worth noting that in any case of physical violence, both parties who are violent will be punished. Who started it is irrelevant when aggression is zero tolerance.

A very large proportion of parents I deal with are incredulous that their darling is punished when the other person hit first. So you are by no means alone in your idea that 'sticking up for yourself' (With the use violence) is ok. But it really isn't.

Children should be taught the skill of de-esculating an aggressor, as well as how yo de-esculate oneself when you feel yourself getting wound up. It's a difficult skill to learn and many teenagers simply never learn it.

@FATEdestiny Thank you for this! I will be changing the way I deal with it when it happens again. As others have said, a simple "don't push me", sounds like a far better thing to do than to push back!

Our nursery teaches the children to put their arm straight out, hand up and say “Stop! I don’t like it!” If that fails, they fetch an adult to resolve it.

A child should absolutely be able to stand up for themselves, but need to be taught not to retaliate physically.

Sorry OP, I honestly did read that like you were both standing there watching them slug it out like a tiny boxing match! I think telling them we don't push and asking them to make up is fair, its v hard at that age to know how to resolve it. Mine has done a small amount of pushing and shoving and we immediately intervene but its usually around something like not wanting to share/wanting to reclaim one of her toys and she's had so little chance to have other children in her house because of lockdown its really hard to work on those core sharing behaviours with her.

I think teaching her to always use her words in the first instance is a good idea though.

[quote jabice]@heydoggie I normally intervene after a push or 2. In all honesty, I'm kind of waiting for his Mum to jump in and say something straight away. She doesn't say anything the first push, so I'm thinking "ok, she will say something now" and when I realise she isn't going to, I then intervene and tell them we don't push and pick my Daughter up. I then make them apologise and have a hug.

They are also not having a big old fight in front of us. If they were mullering each other, I would be stopping it straight away.

I do appreciate the responses though as I obviously haven't been handling this as I should have. I will take this on board and maybe be slightly more proactive straight away!

[/quote]
Do you not think saying “we don’t push” is negated by saying “ but don’t push anyone first”.

I have a 4 year old girl.

There is a boy at the CM's who is 6. For months, DD was telling me this boy was hitting her, kicking her, calling her names. I spoke to the CM about this and they assured me they would resolve. The boy in question is the son of our CM.

One day, after another repetition of "xxx kicked me in the stomach" I told DD in no uncertain terms to kick him back. I also informed the CM of my updated stance on this and lo and behold! She kicked him back. The little shit now thinks twice.

For years growing up, I was picked on. My DM always said "tell the teacher" but nothing ever happened.

One day, walking home from school at 14, I was jumped by a group of girls in a higher year. I ended up needing to go to the hospital. It traumatised my DM more than me, I'll admit however from that day on, my DM told me to fight back and don't think twice about standing up for myself. I did. Ended up getting suspended once too but nobody ever bullied me again, and it's not impacted me in the long term or affected my life at 30 years old.

Sometimes, tell the teacher or parent just doesn't work and if standing up for herself means she gets in trouble for fighting back,but stops the bullying in its tracks - I'm all for it.

If she ever started a fight I would be horrified, however if she finished one in the event some cheeky little fucker decided to put their hands on her physically then I would not punish her.

Ok, so I have a very petite 3 year old, he is very confident but hates any form of confrontation.

He has said a boy has hit him at pre-school I asked what he did, he said to him, "don't hit me" and just stays away from him. He said mummy what do I do if he does it again

I said "do the same thing but tell a teacher and then tell mummy when you get home"

But part of me wants to say, if a boy keeps hitting you at some points it's ok to hit him back.

Does anyone ever tell any age kid in any situation , it's ok to hit back ?

I think it’s really important to teach our young daughters that if a boy is pushing/hitting then it’s absolutely ok to push/hit back. Boys need to learn they can’t get their own way by pushing people around.

When they get older then it’s time to explain about walking away.

I'm astonished that anyone thinks 'you can push/hit as long as you don't do it first' is an actively good lesson for a child. Apart from anything else it's dangerous - escalating anything physical is always more likely to result in someone getting hurt, and there's no guarantee that it'll be the original aggressor. People love to tell stories of 'I hit the bully back once and he never bothered me again!' but an equally, if not more, likely outcome is 'I hit the bully back and so then his mates joined in and I was very seriously hurt'.

I think you need to tell him to stop if his mother won't - yes, it might be a bit awkward for you as the adult, but isn't that less important than not teaching your daughter that pushing is to be tolerated? It's a really confusing message to not intervene at first, to only do it once they've both done it and then to tell her she mustn't push 'first'.

@Hardbackwriter nope not in my case.
There is no way I am bringing my daughter up to believe it's ok for her to by punched and kicked and just stand there and take it.

At what point does it become acceptable for them to defend themselves? When they're on the floor? If a bully knows another child is an easy target then they will just carry on... and on...

How many times do we hear of children taking their own lives because they can't stand being picked on? And the situation wasn't dealt with?

Or those horrible Facebook videos that do the rounds of children sat on the floor quiet as a mouse whilst being slapped by other children? Girls seem to be the worst for it.

If someone hits my child, she has every right to defend herself. Same as I would in the same situation.

[quote Eileithyiaa]@Hardbackwriter nope not in my case.
There is no way I am bringing my daughter up to believe it's ok for her to by punched and kicked and just stand there and take it.

At what point does it become acceptable for them to defend themselves? When they're on the floor? If a bully knows another child is an easy target then they will just carry on... and on...

How many times do we hear of children taking their own lives because they can't stand being picked on? And the situation wasn't dealt with?

Or those horrible Facebook videos that do the rounds of children sat on the floor quiet as a mouse whilst being slapped by other children? Girls seem to be the worst for it.

If someone hits my child, she has every right to defend herself. Same as I would in the same situation. [/quote]
And how many times does someone 'fighting back' result in the situation escalating and a knife being pulled? Once you escalate a situation you lose control of where it ends up.

I would never tell a child to 'stand there and take it', and I certainly wouldn't tell them it's ok that they were hit or pushed, but I would tell them to try and exit the situation as quickly as they could and get somewhere safe and tell someone safe. That's also what I would do if I were physically assaulted as an adult.

I actually think that's a particularly important message for a girl because while she's a preschooler or school child she can fight equally to a boy and so might learn that this is a good or effective strategy, with your encouragement, but if an adult or teenage woman is hit or assaulted by a man then she's in much greater danger of him if she doesn't exit rather than escalate.

[quote Eileithyiaa]@Hardbackwriter nope not in my case.
There is no way I am bringing my daughter up to believe it's ok for her to by punched and kicked and just stand there and take it.

At what point does it become acceptable for them to defend themselves? When they're on the floor? If a bully knows another child is an easy target then they will just carry on... and on...

How many times do we hear of children taking their own lives because they can't stand being picked on? And the situation wasn't dealt with?

Or those horrible Facebook videos that do the rounds of children sat on the floor quiet as a mouse whilst being slapped by other children? Girls seem to be the worst for it.

If someone hits my child, she has every right to defend herself. Same as I would in the same situation. [/quote]
These aren't bullies, they're toddlers!

At 3 years old, they're not mature enough to make good judgement calls on fighting back etc. You teach de-escalation first, and when theyre older you help them learn the skills to know when to fight back. That's a conversation for 6yr olds. Not toddlers.