3 year old saying ‘I don’t like you’

[Cloud1220]

My 3 year old DS quite often says to my DP ‘I don’t like you Daddy’. Sometimes, it is a reaction to something he doesn’t like eg. TV turned off or told no, but just as often it’s also for no particular reason eg. this morning he woke up, started to come downstairs to our room, DP shouts up ‘good morning!’ and DS responds with ‘I don’t like you daddy!!’. This is obviously really hurtful for my DP and it’s causing tension in our relationship as we deal with it very differently - he responds instantly in a direct way ‘don’t talk to me like that; you’ll have to go back up to bed if you’re behaving like that’ type thing (which just escalates it and results in screaming/crying) whereas I’m more the ‘hey, morning, why are you using those unkind words, it hurts daddy when you say that, can we talk about it’. I’ve been trying to get to the bottom of why he’s saying it but not really getting anywhere (but can see as I’m typing why he would prefer mummy over daddy by our approach to parenting!)

Can anyone share any advice? I know we need a new game plan here. Do I need to take the hard line same as my DP and tell him he doesn’t use those words and to hand out consequences when he does... I’m a big softie, I’ll admit, and don’t want him learning that his feelings don’t matter... or does my DP need to come round to my way of approaching it and not get so offended by it and try to talk about it more?!

Incidentally, DS does sometimes say ‘I don’t like you mummy’ but it’s always a direct reaction to me doing something he’s not happy with (asking him to tidy up etc.) I respond with something like ‘oh that’s a shame because I love you and we still need to tidy up. I’ll leave you to think about making good choices and come back when you’re ready for some help to tidy...’ etc.

It's just a phase.
Try to get your DP not to take it so personally. Punishment is probably a bit pointless too as your child is not doing this out of malice.
I think your approach is fine, point out that it's not a nice way to speak but not to make a big deal out of it. Lots of praise when he is behaving nicely.
Do DP and DS spend time 1:1 together? If not maybe they should, or make sure that DP spends some time every week doing something fun that's just the two of them.
My DD was pretty beastly to DH at this age but did grow out of it and they get on just fine.

Our nearly 3 year old has occasionally said things like "I don't love you" or "I don't love you daddy but I do love mummy".

We just do not react at all. It gets no answer from either of us and therefore no attention/ reward. She's only done it a few times and not for a while.

I think you and your DP both give quite a significant reaction. Maybe it's just being repeated now because dc knows it triggers a big response?

He will have picked it up from tv. At that age DH watched a Winnie the Pooh cartoon and someone was knocking on someone’s front door and the character yells ‘oh no, not you again!’

Which DS repeated loudly the next time MIL knocked at the front door (and she didn’t take it well - even though it’s a solid wooden door, no windows, we can’t see who is there - obviously the peep hole was too high) and she didn’t say anything...).

I would just ignore it, sounds like you're both making a big deal about it.

It’s ok... he’s working out his emotions and making sense of language. It’s not so much that he doesn’t like someone, he doesn’t like what they’re doing or what they want him to do. He needs to be safe to explore emotional language without being “blamed”. Of course he still loves his parents, but sometimes just like adults he doesn’t like their messages.

DD1 went through a phase of saying this. My response was a very breezy 'Oh that's a shame because I love you very much. Now, what would you like for breakfast/snack etc?' The phase ended fairly quickly.

And he is only little.

He’s the kid and you are the adults - I think you I’ve the right approach. Getting into one with a toddles isn’t very productive (and what will happen when he is a stroppy teen?)

‘I don’t like you daddy!’
‘Well I love you lots’

We get that. Usually when doing teeth brushing. I tell him that's unfortunate as he is stuck with us for a long time. Also tell him we still like him.
It's just a phase.

DD1 never said it but did do the your not my friend any more.

I would stop your DP telling your DS he isn't entitled to his opinion or to voice it. Punishing DS is not the way to go

A simple 'that makes me sad, but I still live you' and move on. No need for punishment and no need for deep & meaningfuls.

At a separate time (and not linking it to DP) I'd talk to DS about not liking a certain behaviour, but still liking a person. If he's being annoying/naughty that's a perfect time.

He's only 3. It is just a phase and neither of your approaches are particularly helpful. A 3 year old wont be able to explain why they say it or comprehend the full meaning.

A simple brief, "well I always love you" with a big genuine smile (maybe with a funny bear hug/tickle depending on the child/situation), not taking it to heart and move on is enough.

Great advice here, thanks everyone. I know we’re making it into a much bigger deal than it needs to be so a joint approach to respond positively and breezily move on will hopefully help! Now, to communicate to DP without ‘mumsnet says...’

Yeah his Dad needs to be an adult and realise its a phase. Just like saying no to everything. And hurting his sons feelings will not help the situation

My Dd who is now 6 was very similar. Perhaps worse it extended to other people such as dh's parents, who found it extremely distressing. My dh has even mentioned leaving.

I think your dh needs to not take it personally. Make light of it. And seek out a closer connection to your little one. Have some special time just the two of them. Play games that explore connection, including rough and tumble (not tickling) with an emphasis on connection such as little one has to escape arm and leg prison, or games with lots of eye contact such as snappy crocodile hands such as when you put your fingers tips together to snap the other one, and your dh should let your little one win! Can daddy be a really dramatic clown about some things, such as become a baby when he loses and wring tears from his eyes?! Fall over?! Can't get on the sofa?! Then follow the giggles.

The way I view it is, you're little one is probably speaking their truth. They just don't have an adults subtlety yet so it's too black and white. But you can't punish them for that. Instead you can work to improve the relationships. They might still say it, they might still have a favourite, but if your dh knows they've got a great relationship then it'll be like water off a ducks back.

My 3yo was like that a few months ago to dh and now she is obsessed with him and wants him to do everything with her!

He's probably just doing it for attention. Tell your DH to not react and just say something like, "that's ok, I love you enough for the both of us" or "that's interesting, well I love you very much" or even just ignore. DH spending some 1-1 time with him every day will probably help too. Your son might have discovered that this is the only way to get some attention from him even though it is bad attention.