Mum guilt... again.

[becallo]

I suffer with this mum guilt stuff awfully, and I wanted to come by to talk about something that happened yesterday. Recently 20 month old has been fighting nappy changes, it can take some force to pin him down to change him. Yesterday he had done a poo that was leaking out the side of his nappy, so i put a song on and tried to keep him distracted but he was flailing around and I couldn’t restrain him any more without hurting him. I would usually give him my phone or try tv but my phone was dead and the remote was not to hand, so in my flustered and frustrated state I announced he would have to have a shower if he wouldn’t let me wipe him. So up we went and I washed his bottom under the shower while he screamed and fought against me, with me getting more and more frustrated. I knew he wouldn’t like the shower, but I didn’t realise he’d scream that much, in fact I turned the shower off and ran the bath taps instead but he was still screaming and I was having to physically hold him in the tub to wash him. After he was clean we had a big cuddle, but I had gotten frustrated and was crying at the whole situation. Just before I put him in the shower I remembered about my older sons new iPad and wondered about setting up YouTube on that, but I didn’t because firstly I just wanted him cleaned up at this point, and secondly I think maybe there was a part of me that thought “well if he won’t let me wipe him he has to learn that this is the alternative and maybe next time he will lie still for me!”. Is that a really awful thought? It was a thought that came to me in a moment of frustration , and I feel really guilty for trying to teach my 20 month old some kind of lesson which he’s too young to understand anyway. I feel cruel and I can’t stop thinking about it, and although I didn’t raise my voice or shout at him I did say to him at the time that “this is what happens when you don’t let mummy change you, maybe next time you will let me!” After a cuddle he was absolutely fine and has been his usual self since, but I have barely been able to parent properly due to the guilt I am feeling. Is this something to learn from and move on, or was it truly awful ?

He had poo on his bum. He wouldn't let you wipe. You solved the problem and although a few years, he's completely fine. Let it go, it's not good for you.

But surely that’s a good lesson for him to learn. That he needs to listen and if he doesn’t there are consequences. You are not there to be his friend. You are his mum and it is your job to ensure he doesn’t have a shitty bum. And in life he can’t always be distracted from every tantrum or every time someone says no to him. I genuinely don’t see why you are quite so guilty.

I totally understand where you're coming from but you didn't hurt your child in anyway and it was the only thing you could do at the time to clean him up.
There was no shouting or hitting involved you just did what you had to. I don't think you should feel guilty about that at all.
At the end of the day you did what you thought was best and you shouldn't feel guilty for that at all.
Sounds to me like you're doing a marvellous job caring for your child. There would be some (and when I some I mean the extreme few) parents out there that would let their child fester in a dirty nappy, or hurt them pinning them down to change them. You did none of this and ended the mini drama of the nappy change with a big cuddle with your child.
I say well done 👍🏻

Nope you shouldnt feel guilty at all. You are teaching him a life lesson. There are consequences in life when you dont do as mummy says, bribing him just gives him the upper hand. Next time when hes rolling around you can say 'do you want to go in the shower again' and he'll more than likely stay still.

Oh I get guilt all the time, at 20 months this will be forgotten in no time, it really wasn't that awful.
With my first when she wouldn't lie still I pinned and distracted and fought through the nappy changes. It was a phase, albeit a distressing one. With my second I let her lie on her tummy or stand while I change her. It's a little akward but I've got the hang of it now and it saves on the upset. Whether that was the wrong call or not I don't know, but for now it works.

He had poop on his butt and you cleaned it! That’s fine! It’s hard when they’re upset but it sounds like there wasn’t anyway to get through this without some tears and you couldn’t leave him as he was. Don’t worry yourself.

For what it’s worth, my DD had a phase of being a nightmare with nappy changes, especially poos. I tried all the distraction techniques but a lot of the time I had to hold her down. She got over it, she gets changed fine now and I don’t think she’s scarred for life. Toddlers are just hard work!

You did nothing wrong! In fact I would caution against reaching for a screen every time he refuses to cooperate. Kids have to learn to live without being entertained every single second. When my boys were very young we used to let them watch our phones quietly in restaurants so we could enjoy our meal. Eventually they reached the age where we wanted them to sit down and be part of a family meal out, but all they wanted was screens. They say “start as you mean to go on” and TBH 20 months is not too young to start developing that screen addiction. I’m not saying your son should never see a screen but there’s a difference between sitting down for an episode of Peppa Pig and putting it in front of him to distract him every time something mildly unpleasant is happening. Better to teach him that lesson sooner than later.

Follow @biglittlefeelings on Instagram, great tips and ethos for parenting toddlers. You can validate your kids feelings whilst holding the boundary and doing what you need to do.

Making sure he's clean is a necessity, leaving him covered in poo just wasn't an option so you did what you had to do, you have nothing to feel guilty about. My son hates having his toenails cut and we have lots of tears every time I do it but, it's got to be done. I tell him that I'm doing it because I love and care for him, which is true and is also the same reason you showered poo off your baby!

Everyone reacts like this in similar situations. Nothing make your nerves jangle like your child screaming in distress and sometimes it drives you to do things you wouldn't otherwise do. Don't worry we all do things like this. Just distract anyway you can and the phone is a perfect solution