Really want baby 2 but worried I won’t cope without any family near to support

[Postwhisk]

In an ideal world where everything fertility wise goes to plan, I would like 3 to 3.5 years between my first and next baby. I am 36 and my toddler turns 2 this month.

My 2 year old doesn’t go to nursery, and on the days I work my husband doesn’t so he can look after him.

I am so worried how we will manage with 2 living 6 hours away from our families.

Everyone I know with 2 children relies heavily on their parents for childcare and general support.

COVID aside we usually see our families twice a year.

How would we manage with a 3 year old and newborn with no outside support?

Any tips or advice from anyone with 2 kids about how to prepare and make it work?

I have a 2yo and 4 month old and no family living locally. To my surprise going from 1 to 2 wasn't as hard as I thought. It helped I had a baby that slept a lot in the day (not at night... and not any more). But in general I would say your experience from having the first really really helps with the second.

3 years will be a very helpful gap as you will have some free childcare. But actually I've enoted having both around as I didnt realise first time around that babies are pretty boring and my toddler breaks the monotony and makes me laugh.

Even in rough times (like now - 4 month sleep regression) I know from the first time it won't last forever.

I would say go for it!

I am also anxious about sleep as my toddler has never been a good sleeper and we are still up in the night at 2

You get 15 funded hours for nursery at 3, which can really help. There is also a big difference between a 2 and 3 year old. My eldest was almost 3 when we had DC2. She could dress herself, go to the toilet herself, climb in the carseat, fetch nappies etc. We persisted with her nap, and later quiet time in her room to have a break each day.

We have a 3 and a half year gap between our 2 and no local family. Two things - for us, 2 children has felt surprisingly easier than 1 and I would highly recommend getting your first born in preschool/ nursery. It was a life saver.

It was a lot of money (£200 a night) but we saved for a long time for a night nanny for several nights a week spaced over a month when baby was about 2 months old. Got baby into a good routine and we got sleep. We have no regrets about spending the money but I recognise we were extremely privileged.

I have two (with a 3.9 yr gap) and especially thanks to Covid this year have not been able to have much practical support at all since my daughter was born at the beginning of the year, from March to December everyone in our family stayed away from both children.

We coped because we had to, there was no other choice. You get up and go through the day as best you can. You will cope too if you have to.

Now that nurseries are open again (where we are), my youngest goes to nursery a few days while I work. My eldest started school too, which has been a huge help. Take advantage of any childcare you can get.

I think my eldest has lost out a bit since his baby sister was born. He really needs extra help learning phonics, but I can’t give it to him as all year I’ve been feeding a baby/rocking a baby/now chasing a toddler. He’s ill now and wants hugs but I can’t sit down and hug him as his sister is constantly tripping over, chewing things she shouldn’t, pulling things on herself etc. He wanted to make some paper planes with me but it was impossible as his sister grabs everything and tries to eat it. If I try and contain her somewhere like a high chair she screams like crazy and recently has been able to climb out. So I have found it hard but probably I am not as much of a natural with kids as some.

I had a 2.5 year gap between my first two and almost no family help.

1. Playgroup, or nursery as yours is older.
2. Try to have a good support network around. Friends you can call on if you need sleep etc. Maybe a teenager after school sometimes just to watch them for a bit.
3. Tv and jigsaws.
4. Cosleep. Couldn’t have done it otherwise, none of my kids sleep.
5. See if your dh could work compressed hours or similar. Mine worked away a lot but then had a extra day off when he was home which helped with catching up on sleep.
6. Play dates! I found it easier to watch a friends’ kid for an afternoon, keeping my eldest amused, and then swap to get a rest.
7. If possible get your dp to deal with the toddler wake ups, and even put a mattress in with the toddler so you aren’t disturbed so much.