Could someone talk to me - gently - about PND?

[Dollywilde]

Sorry, might be long.

DD is 5 months old and I was diagnosed with mild PND by my GP at 10 weeks post birth. We agreed that I would access some online help stuff and review. We’ve since moved house and I’m still registered at my old GP 1hr drive away. No health visitor service from my old area and like I say not on the books here.

I’m wondering if maybe things are worsening. Here’s a random list and I’d be very grateful if someone could tell me if these things are normal in your experience?

• I’m angry a lot. When she won’t settle for a nap or pulls my hair or is just grumpy for no reason (which feels a lot?) I am so angry, I have hissed ‘I hate you’ at her more than I’d like to admit Have done a few Googles of ‘what to do if you don’t want your baby any more’. I can’t believe I’ve searched that - I love her fiercely and if someone tried to take her from me I would easily kill them - but this passion seems to be closer to bubbly rage than patient lovely motherly feelings. It’s almost like I love her so much it sets a fire in me, I’m constantly ready to fight

• I can’t stop thinking about death. I’ve always been quite morbid but since she’s been born it’s made me think a lot about existence, I feel guilty for having birthed her as it means she will die one day and she will experience loss etc and I can’t bear that I’ve brought her into a world of pain.

• Anxiety is ott right now, I’ve always been an anxious person but I feel like I’m stressed about everything. When it’s my night to put her to bed I feel jittery from about 4pm and I can’t look at the baby monitor without a sinking sense of dread that she’s going to be awake when I look at it. She’s a bad sleeper for naps and getting down at night - naps are still mostly contact naps and can take 1hr to settle at night - but she’s okay for a stretch at night once she’s down, I’m getting maybe 4h then 2h at night so I’m definitely not sleep deprived

I love her more than anything but I feel like I spend 90% of my time stressed, worried and angry. I’m also concerned that I’ve abandoned any degree of self care - often I cba showering because it’s such a hassle and what’s the point? I’m not going out because Covid (where the hell would we even go?) and it’s cold, and it’s too much hassle getting her in the pram etc. As a result I’m bored as hell, we just sit playing on her mat every day and it’s just nappies, bottles, crying. I’m kind of over it if I’m honest after this long.

Sorry, this is a bit much. I just want to know when it gets easier. I thought by now we could play properly and I could put her in a cot awake and she’d nap and we’d be able to Do Stuff. But more often than not I’m stuck on the sofa with her crying and my arms are too tired to pick her up and I’m done. I feel like I’ve been doing a job for 5 months without a single hour off. I miss my life before her. My DH is great but even when he takes her I’m still wound up the same so it’s not a break as I can’t get a break from my head.

Is this more than mild PND or is this normal
at this point?

Dolly, I think every mum has their moments of finding it all too much but this sounds like more than that to me. You sound really miserable. I think you know that things are not right with you. But PND is very treatable and you deserve to enjoy your DD more than you can at the moment. I struggled too. What really helped me was a small dose of an SSRI and really working hard at challenging my unrealistic thoughts, plus forcing myself to get out of the house every day. Please talk to your GP.

Dolly, it sounds like you think things are getting a bit worse than they were so on that basis alone it would be worth checking back in with the GP.

I have periods of depression which I try to manage and keep on top of. I find it helpful to do a depression inventory when I’m feeling vulnerable to track whether my mood is changing over time. If you google there are lots online or apps which you can download on your phone.

I hope you feel better soon.

It sounds a little more than ‘mild’ but it’s not surprising that it’s gotten worse if that makes sense. I think you should have been given the right help to begin with because I’m not sure pnd gets better on it’s own or with online help. Often once it starts it can get bad very quickly. I can completely relate to how you feel and while it’s awful it’s normal for what you’re going through, but you do need support. First step I think is to register with a gp in your area, they will likely arrange a welcome appointment, which you could request over the phone if you feel more comfortable. Once they know it gets easier. It’s so hard to bring it up but honestly any good gp will ask how you’re feeling regardless. At the minute because you have a baby under 1 you will be a priority!
You deserve to feel better you really do. And these feelings won’t be forever. You’re doing a fantastic job as a mum even if you don’t feel it

It's such a hard time to start motherhood it sounds like you're a lovely mum (I mean that). It sounds like you feel like you're doing it wrong but your not at all.

If you can't get to baby groups /see others with babies then you never hear that most babies are crappy settlers at 5 months and sleeping is pretty shite too. They never want to be in their own bed. They really can't do anything too interesting at that age either.

I didn't really feel like me and my dd played "properly" till she was about 2 to be honest.

Get in touch with the gp for sure. If you feel like you can, get out for a walk too. It's the most irritating advice I know, but it will help I'm sure. Or even just start with a walk round the block when your partner has the baby for a bit of space / change of scene (then it's just shoes on and go).

Big hugs you're doing this at such a hard time. People complain about baby groups but they really do keep you going in that first year. When you're stuck alone in a pandemic everything is twice as hard well done for keeping going. Sending hugs and hope you get help.