Toddler driving me mad

[OhToBeASeahorse]

DS was 2 in September and DD came along in October.

He has always been intense. Anywhere we go, he runs off. Constantly.
moving, finding stuff, nearly setting the house on fire etc etc. We baby proof as best we can. He is bright - he can recognise most letters and can count up to 20, he sang 2 verses of Away in a Manger at a Carol service on xmas eve. He does not stop talking and will say things on loop - like 'mummy where are you' even if I'm right in front of him. He hates mess and gets freaked out if something is on him but will then throw it over himself anyway

He hates having coats and shoes put on and a lot of the time teeth cleaning nappy changes and putting coats etc on are a complete battle. Invariably he hurts himself.because he will launch himself away from me or run into a door. He gets ultra fussy about who does things- e.g. yesterday it had to.be daddy to put gloves on but DH is cack handed and was struggling so more tears all.round. I turned my back for 10 seconds today and he grabbed a mug off the side and threw it at me.

At the moment he seems tired, especially in the mornings. We went out for a walk yesterday morning and the one before and he had a complete meltdown. DH and I took him out of the playground because it just wasnt working and a woman said to us 'you can see who calls the shots in your house'.

Is this normal? Our lovely CM described him as bright sociable and emotional. It's just so intense.

He is trying to get your attention. It is absolutely normal. He is so little, he had you all to himself all his life and now he is sharing you with a new baby. It is all made worse because of covid restrictions, but it will get better.

To add - bedtime is 7pm, atm he cries when I put him in bed but then he is fine. He wakes up early. He naps at about 12.30, anything from 1.5 to 2
5 hours. He has a dummy for naptimes. He poos 3-4 times a day.

@endofthelinefinally that is- thing is he has always been like his. The hitting is new but apart from that it's the same as ever.

He sounds like a lovely, bright little boy. But remember, first children often have good vocabulary and memory skills. This bears no relation to emotional understanding and maturity. The problem with energetic, bright little children is often that the adults expect too much from them.
He is so little and coping with big changes in his life.

Sorry OP, not easy but sounds normal. Probably as he gets used to the new baby and becomes better able to express himself, things will ease up.

What might help -
Very clear routine so he knows what to expect from the day including times he gets a parent 121
Lots of exercise
When he's tantrumming, try to articulate what you think is wrong eg 'are you cross because you can't get your arm in the sleeve? Let me help you' etc
Get him involved in looking after the baby eg fetching nappies
Clear consequence when he oversteps the line by hitting/throwing that isn't you becoming angry at him (more attention will encourage it) eg remove item or sit him on step etc
Love bomb him a bit, tell him you love him and he's special to help reduce jealousy of the baby

And remember he's still tiny! Big compared to a new baby but still tiny.

The book no bad kids is quite helpful in understanding behaviour.

Pooing 3-4 times a day is a lot.

He reminds me like my ds in many ways! Incredibly full on.
When he was that age, I had to come up with things to keep him occupied - he liked sorting, he LOVED being outside in the garden or park getting dirty and digging etc etc regardless of weather. Dd was born in December when he was two and I remember him wanting to be in the garden in the snow while I had to wrap dd up 😂😂😂

I rearranged the house to make it safe for him. Nothing he could pull down etc. I had areas where he could make a mess and we went out to the local parks every single day. Yes it was exhausting!

It was better not to fight it to be honest. We did a lot of activities to keep him engaged and he slept better for it and behaved better too.

A friends little one is having similar issues due to covid - activities keep starting and stopping, seeing people then not, masks etc. Add on a sibling arriving - going to be hard on them

Pooing 3-4 times per day is a lot at that age. No wonder you are shattered if you have to battle a poo 4 times per day.

What do you do when he’s being tricky? What are your responses?

The pooing is exhausting. We have taken him off dairy as he had eczema which has cured the eczema but made no difference to the nappies.

We normally go to the park every day but he just hasnt wanted to.

The hitting we saw 'u do not hit, hitting hurts'.

I praise and cuddle him incessantly. He has a bath with one of us every night. I try 5o do as few chores around him as I can.

I worry I'm missing this up and the lady in the park was right.

I shouted at him today and I feel awful.

It’s a really tricky age because they can’t fully express or understand their feelings and they can also move really fast but have the same amount of sense as a yoghurt so it all feels a bit full on. My DS went through an awful 6 months of slapping, bashing, head butting and screaming until I was nearly at my wits end with it all but he came out the other side and yours will too. I’m not going to tell you to keep calm, god knows I’ve had my fair share of not-calm moments, but broadly sticking to 4 or 5 key rules (no hurting others, no snatching, good manners etc) and being really consistent helps. He’s testing his boundaries, the firmer you can make them the more secure he will feel. Also, gin and some time where you’re not wrestling both of them

Ignore the woman on the playground. He sounds like a bright, busy little boy.

The lady in the park was stupid. Who calls the shots sounds similar to saying who wears the trousers in your house etc - straight out of the 1950s.

It is hard. You're not rubbish for finding it hard. You're carrying for two tiny dependent people with incompatible needs and you're doing it in isolation in winter during a pandemic. You're a champion!

We all have days where we snap, kids understand about losing tempers because they do it all the time! Unless you're shouting all the time, it's fine. Some cultures are way more blunt/shouty than ours and the kids are fine.

Give yourself a break. He's fine, you're fine, it's hard but it won't be this way forever.

When we went to the park, we rarely went on the swings etc. It was all about going in the trees, digging up stones from the mud, collecting stuff like sticks and leaves. Basically I’d stand there and he’d just merrily get stuck right in.

He wont go near the playground without wanting to be in it, which is fine of course

Very emotional today, wanted cuddling basically all day including in his carrier when we were on a walk. He needed a cuddle in the bath because my hair was wet and it worried him.

He has done 5 poos.

Gosh I'm tired.

OP he sounds very similar to my son, who is exactly the same age.
Very bright, very funny, fun, but so so intense and also quite sensitive I think - he seems to react more intensely to things than my friends children. He is Into absolutely everything, grabs things faster than I can cope with, repeats things again and again until he's satisfied I've heard and acknowledged it. Can be a bit rough with me (and only me) with throwing/kicking/squeezing etc, but i tell myself at least he never does it with anyone else and obviously feels safe enough to test it out on me.
He Loves being outside and getting dirty and exploring, and like to know how things work - so takes things apart, spins wheels, lines objects up to see what happens etc.
It is exhausting and I also struggle sometimes and ask myself several times a day if I'm doing right by him.
As per a PP suggestion, I've recently started addressing his meltdowns in a different way - I bend down, tell him that I can see he is sad/cross/frustrated and I'm really sorry that he feels like that, and try to acknowledge why he feels like that. Then if necessary I say "however you still have to get dressed today" etc etc. Its surprisingly effective.
However I dont always manage to keep my cool or stay that clear headed and it can still spiral out of control. I give him lots of cuddles, tell him I love him a lot, and never punish him for his intensity.
It's hard. But I think it's normal, and they are just full on, clever, curious toddlers who always seem one step ahead of us!

I have no idea why people subject themselves to two so close together. He does rather sound a load OP

@Marbles321 thank you- that's really helpful

@Sway19 how terribly helpful.

OP, my first was a 'spirited' toddler and to be honest he is still the same at almost 7. I agree with pp that acknowledging how he is feeling helps. I still find him full-on and intense, he needs a lot of attention and stimulation, but that's just him and luckily my second is more chilled.