5 year age gap- what are your experiences ?

[justkeepswimming2020]

Hi
Looking for advice from people who have had two kids around 5 years apart. I have one child and a history of multiple pregnancy loss. Also have a genetic condition which would make future pregnancy high risk to pregnancy loss, so it's a bit complicated.

We decided after much discussion to TTC again for a few months and after that, if I don't get pregnant to call it a day and accept that our DC will be an only child.

If I was to get pregnant there would be a 5 year age gap, bigger than I would like, but the oldest would be starting school so I would have more time with baby during the day.I have seen people say that having a big age gap is like having "two only children", which I would find really difficult for both me and the children, also people have said that with that age gap the kids don't really have anything in common.

My child is very happy as she is, but I really yearn for another and want them to have a sibling - but it may not end up being as I imagine, even if I had a healthy pregnancy. It's a constant discussion in my head and driving me mad!

Please tell me about your family dynamics if you have a similar age gap, thank you.

Quite a similar situation here. Multiple miscarriages, 1 DS who was born with a life threatening illness, thankfully he received the care he needed and (touch wood) is doing really well, but the experience of losses and living for almost a year in hospital made us doubt whether to have another. Eventually, we decided not to and to focus on being a family of 3, and then I fell pregnant. DD arrived earlier this year, DS is 6. My pregnancy was hard, but I found that DS being older made it easier to cope with him and my symptoms. He is an incredibly doting big brother and hasnt really shown any signs of jealousy - and we've found when he is feeling put out (either jealous or tired because of the nights, etc), we can have a proper conversation with him about it and he understands. I never thought I'd want an age gap this big, but he is so invested and engaged with her that I'm so grateful he is that bit older. Obviously, time will tell if that continues!

We had our 2 DS 4.5 years apart, out of choice (no history of pregnancy loss - so sorry that you have had to go through that). It really has been a positive experience. No age gap is perfect but I don’t regret not having them closer together at all.

Sorry, not sure this is helpful...I have a smaller gap between my dc but just posting to say that there's a five year age gap between my sister and me and we're the best of friends and always have been. My best friend has the same gap between her and her sister and they're also the same.

There’s a 5 year age gap between ours, planned that way as I wanted older one in school and to reach some career milestones first. It’s generally been great. Mat leave with each was like an only child so we had loads of one on one time. Older one was independent enough to get herself snacks or fetch things when younger one was little. They’re at a tricky age now - 3 & 8 when they don’t really enjoy the same things or have the same tolerance, but I think that will get easier in a couple years. When necessary, dh can each take one off to do an activity they enjoy. Generally though, I feel relieved to have escaped having the stresses of two close together because that sounds pretty hell ish. Mine generally love each other and get along or at least older one can ignore younger one!

5 years between my brother and I and we are the best of friends. 4.5 years between my ds's. Its fabulous, ds1 was involved throughout my being pregnant he understood it all helped decorate the babies room. Baby was born June and ds1 started school in Sept. There are about 5 reception mums with new babies.

5 years 2 months between my 2 and think it's pretty perfect for us. I got to go back after mat leave 1 and get promoted twice before 2nd mat leave - I sort of had to rebuild some.professional 'respect' I guess, which I was able to do in the interim.

Dd1 is so so tolerant and dd2 loves her big sister. They both actually enjoy some of the same toys, so dd1 is quite happy to use the mega blocks to make quite elaborate structures but is mature enough not to mind when dd knocks them over.

Covid put a stop to my plans for mat leave while dd was at school by hey ho, that is what it is. And dd1 is old enough to be left places like beavers/parties, so not dragging dd2 to lots of her events.

DC2 and DC3 have a five year gap. I really enjoyed it as I got loads of time with new baby when older DC were in school. Then DC4 showed up earlier than planned - EMCS (I would never recommend less than 2y age gap).

Really sorry for your losses OP💐

We've got a 5 year age gap and not through choice either (some unexplained secondary infertility!) But it is actually great - as posters above have also said. DD loves the baby so much, she enjoys helping with him and now he's 9 months old they can play together with things as well. Both love the duplo, DD builds it and DS eats it! DD is old enough to understand that the baby needs a nap and to be quiet, or is happy to amuse him in his highchair whilst I cook dinner.

I am glad we have this age gap now as I dont think I could have coped very well with 2 close in age at the toddler stage. DD is in year 1 now so a slightly longer age gap than other posters, but again there is a few other parents with a new baby in her class as well so I don't think its that uncommon.

Have 2 DDs 5yrs apart. Sometimes they love each other, most of the time they wind each other up 🙄. They are close though.

We have a 6.5 year gap and it works well, albeit with juggling to make sure everyone is doing something they want to be doing. Eldest adapted v well to his baby brother and they are very different personalities - youngest is v outgoing while eldest v shy, so the youngest has helped bring the older one out of himself a bit. Now they're 10.5 and 4 and have lots in common (mostly Star Wars and Lego) although we have noticed that youngest is into things his own friends don't know about, because they're first borns so haven't watched star Wars, seen Minecraft etc. To be honest I couldn't have managed two close together and with one at school when the little one arrived I did feel I could dedicate myself to the baby in the same way I had the eldest. So all in, it's great and as with any child, you adapt your activities as they grow

My age gap was through miscarriage and secondary infertility, 4 years and 50 weeks. Different genders and everyone told me they wouldn’t get on but they are thick as thieves and I’m the one they leave out. No one saw that coming

My brother is 6 years older than me, and I have a 9 year age gap between my kids. For the older one, it is a bit like being an only, as they go through a lot of early years alone. But once the second child arrives it is just two kids - there is silliness and rough play and laughter and telling tales and snatching and bickering. It's just been a wonderful experience as a mum. I adored my big brother as a child and now we are adults I don't feel younger, not really.

We have a larger gap of 8y between ours and by choice. I love a big gap, a small gap is def not for me and if I do it all over, we would still have a large gap.

Personally my 2nd child has been such hard work compared to the oldest. My MIL always said we were very lucky with our oldest, I know now what she meant.

Sorry about your losses.

Just under 5 years between 2 ds’s. (Recurring miscarriages over here too)
As pp said my second mat leave was brilliant I got to spend all of the summer hols with both boys and then had 8 months of being able to do all school runs yet have the individual time with ds2.
Older one loves his little brother and really looks out for him. They both wind each other up now at 3 and 7 but have a lovely bond.

4.5 yrs between dc 2 & 3 here and I've enjoyed it so much more than having 2 under 2!

DD is nearly 7 and DS is about to turn 2. Up until now it's been mostly great but I do imagine it will get harder as they get bigger. They can be so sweet together it makes all the squabbling fade away for five minutes

My two have a 5-year gap and are best friends. Me and my sister have an 18-month gap and taught like cat and dog for the first 25 years of our lives. I don't think the gap itself is the defining factor.

We have a 4.5 year age gap. I agree with all the pros above but in our case, DC1 has really struggled with sharing our time and attention. He’s old enough to remember life before DC2 (whose arrival was shortly before Covid kicked in) and frankly, it was better and nicer! He is often very loving towards his brother, other times less so, but really resents the amount of time and attention he takes up. I think he would have found it easier to adapt to becoming a sibling if it had happened when he was younger, in some ways. Although I think temperamentally he was more suited to being an only one!

Following as due my second with a 5 year age gap! Sounds like it can be positive 🙂

Thanks for all the feedback everyone