Second child - there’s not enough of me to go round!

[crazychemist]

Looking for advice for how you coped with your second/subsequent kids (assuming you are happy with how it went!)

I have 8 week old twins (premature, so effectively still in newborn stage in terms of sleep/feeding patterns) and a 4yo DD. I’ve actually got quite a lot of support compared to many at the moment - DH is at home for the holidays (school teacher) and we’ve formed a support bubble with my parents so we have one or both of them for a big chunk of each day. So everyone is being cared for/having all their basic needs met - I consider myself very lucky!

The problem is there are some things that only I seem to be able to do.... obviously, breastfeeding is one of them. Twins are combi fed, which means someone can give one a bottle, but as I’m pumping to express it still isn’t time efficient. DDs bedtime is falling apart without my involvement.... DH has taken over bathtime and bedtime for me so I can get the twins settled downstairs - if I don’t keep them with me they cry in the evening and stop DD getting to sleep, so I basically settle down to sit out the evening cluster feed. But bedtime is a disaster without me! DH just can’t seem to get her to comply. We’ve gone from me happily kissing her goodnight at 8pm (with her usually chatting to her teddy for a bit but pretty reliably asleep by 8.15/8.30) to her being out of bed and running around till at least 10.30, sometimes later....!

How did you balance the needs of your newborn with your existing child? How much do you just let go to pot in the hope that as your new child settles into a tough routine you can sort it all out then?

It’s still so very new. I can’t remember how it works but it does eventually. Did DH do anyone of the bedtimes previously. I used to read bedtime stories to DD1 while DD2 was bf.

I just had two kids (although they were closer - 2 under 2) but my husband and I divided and conquered. He did bath, bed, etc while I did food.

I suppose we fell into being a ‘primary’ for each child - he did a bit more for #1 while I did for #2.

It balanced out the older they got.

Best of luck!

This may not be useful but for me I tried so hard to give my first child all of me. I did bath and bed, early mornings and the nursery run 24 hours pp. It was primarily based on my childhood; my father went to prison when I was 3 and I remember it so clearly, I didn’t want him thinking this baby has come along and all of a sudden he’s with dad or grandparents. Granted, I wasn’t breastfeeding so it was easier in that was. I remember being home with the baby (6 hour discharge), son waking up at 5am and genuinely thinking wtf have I done?! She’s 13 month now and he is 5 and it’s still really hard but it does get easier. The early newborn days are so so hard, can’t imagine what it’s like with prem twins. She’s out of routine with new babies, I’m sure it’ll all settle down soon. Congratulations and good luck xx

I still put DS to bed most nights with the baby with me in sling or bouncer as it takes forever for DH to do it. However since we swapped him to a bed from a cot he is awake till around 9.30 anyway. Occasionally later.

I think with newborn premature twins I think you have to accept that some things will slide and you can pick them up and work on them later. It sounds like all your kids are fed, warm, clothed and loved. You're doing great!

@Thatwentbadly he used to do bathtime, but I was usually around upstairs (used to potter around putting away laundry etc) and was always the one with an eye on the clock so I sort of “managed it” e.g. I would prompt if he hadn’t got her to clean her teeth Yet etc. We tried each one of us having one twin and doing bathtime together, but so far it hasn’t worked - whichever one I have will happily sleep in the sling, but they never seem comfortable on DH and wake up and start to scream . So me having birth seems necessary right now. I’ve tried having both in a sling on me, but one twin REALLY doesn’t like it.

@Scotinoz I’m hoping we can divide and conquer as the boys get older. At the moment they spend most of their awake time feeding, and they don’t nap for long on DH. DD was the same with him, he’s just not good with tiny babies!

@Larabelle6 I really really want to be there for DD. Before I had the boys I thought it would be most important to give her my time as newborns mostly don’t care who is looking after them as ,long as their needs are met. But if I leave the boys with DH they get overtired and end up miserable for ages, and the crying keeps DD awake anyway.

@pjani thanks for the reassurance. I suspect I just need to wait things out and remind myself that the twins will be very different in 6 months time.

Oh I really understand, didn’t mean for it to Come across as it did just I almost broke myself by “not having enough of me to go around”. I rushed recovery and suffered both mentally and physically, seriously surprised I seem to have got away with pnd. I cannot imagine what it’s like with 2 new babies.

And even now 13 months on the Mam guilt is horrendous when they’re both demanding attention and I need to choose which one to go to. I don’t think that will ever get easier. The early days with mine are a blur now but when you’re in the thick of it with hormones raging and sleep deprived I know how tough I found it (still do)!

They’ll settle into nice little routines and these days will be a distant memory soon. Xx

It probably doesn't help, but we gradually transitioned to my husband being the default parent in terms of personal care, bed and night time wakes, during pregnancy, so that just continued after the baby was born. But there always guilt, and times they all need you, and it's hard. It's easing a little and starting to rebalance a bit now my youngest is nearly 2.

I had the exact same situation as you (several years ago now), premature twins with a 4 yr old DD. I don’t think it’s the same as simply having a second DC to adjust to, it needs a completely different approach. It sounds like your DH wants to manage certain tasks by himself but you always need to step in. This is doable with one DC but not sustainable with a toddler and twin babies.

Let DH keep on doing DD’s bedtime, even if it’s chaotic for a while. You want to get to the position that either you or DH can do any of the kids bedtimes, feeding etc. Otherwise, you will always be ‘on call’ and will get burnt out.

Let DH settle the twins in the evening sometimes too, with a bottle, for the same reason. If your parents are around in the evening and willing, they can do it with him at first to help build DH’s confidence. The twins can smell your milk which they will get used to so let DH start the bedtimes now to break the cycle. It also means that you get one to one time with DD which she will be craving.

You won’t be able to spend as much time with DD or give her half as much attention as you would like. Once you have a second DC, that’s just a fact. But you can give her pockets of your full attention, which is good enough.

I also did combi feeding, 2/3 breast and 1/3 formula. Ideally, I would have expressed too but made the difficult decision that it wasn’t fair to DD to spend time expressing when I could be spending that time on her (or having a break, breastfeeding twins is physically demanding). A personal decision though.

The first year is beyond brutal, things will go to pot, but it’s worth the shot term pain to get your DH feeling capable to handle the feeding/bathing/bedtimes etc.