Very unhappy baby - please help

[treesinthedark]

I’m really starting to regret having him, which feels so awful to say, but he’s just so unhappy and although I know on a logical level it is not personal it feels it.

He cries when he tries to breastfeed and I’m not convinced he’s getting much, which is frustrating for him. But even with formula top ups he never seems satisfied. Makes constant hunger cues of rooting and lashing out with his arms (he’s scratched his face) yet then doesn’t want either breast or bottle.

I’ve tried skin to skin but he just fidgets and gets increasingly fractious. He will settle if held upright but I had him in that position for five hours today and got increasingly dehydrated myself.

He’s now been up feeding or fidgeting since 2:30. I had hoped I’d get some sleep between half six and needing to express milk at half eight, but he’s still awake. Every time I’ve put him down he just wakes up and he’s still squirming around on my shoulder. I seriously don’t know what to do. I think we are both drained and running on empty but i have no idea how to make him happy.

I had a very unhappy baby until 12 weeks when I saw a cranionosteopath with her.

She said it will either not work or tomorrow will be worse and next day better.

Following day was horrendous.

The next day was incredible - changed baby. Totally settled and relaxed. Now a fabulous 5.5 yo.

He's not unhappy, he is ok. Crying isn't an expression of misery for a baby, it's just the only means he has of communication right now. You are genetically programmed to find the sound distressing so that you meet his needs and obviously you are doing your best but I just want to reassure you that you are doing ok. Even if your baby cries all the time, you are doing ok.

Your op doesn't mention how old he is? Has he been checked for tongue tie? Have you had any support to check he is latching on correctly?

2 weeks. He did have a very small tongue tie, paid to sort it privately. It’s made no discernible difference.

He gets very frustrated and unhappy when I try to breastfeed him. There’s been support, problem is none of it has worked. I’m starting to feel detached from him, to be honest. I think it’s a coping mechanism.

He sounds exactly like my baby who had silent reflux and a cows milk protein allergy. With meds and special formula she was absolutely transformed.

Have you tried different holding positions for feeding him? The standard horizontal cradle may not be comfortable for him? Is he peeing and pooing and gaining weight?

He lost quite a lot of his birth weight but he does plenty of wees and poos. But he does have a fair bit of formula.

Two weeks? He's brand new then! Congratulations and I hope it gets better soon.

Firstly, where is your partner? He needs to be getting you drinks and snacks all the time. He also needs to be holding and soothing the baby when he's not feeding.

For feeding, do you have a La Leche consultant or a good midwife who can watch you feed and give you advice on his latch? Might be worth trying nipple shields?

Finally, have you tried swaddling?

Very similar to my baby who had a tongue tie cut at 9 days old.

He still couldn’t breastfeed correctly, was always seeming in pain and would push away from the breast when I offered it to him.

I saw a Lactation consultant who advised I go and see a cranial osteopath who specialises in babies as she felt my son’s problems could be addressed by going down that route. I was very sceptical but I gave it a go and OMG, the lady was phenomenal and after the first session I had a different baby. I was in complete awe. He had four sessions in the end and the change in his was indescribable. Coincidentally, he also went on to be diagnosed with a milk allergy. My baby was about 10 weeks old when I took him for his year session.

Fast forward 12 months and my friend had a very unhappy baby (also milk allergy and post tongue tie) and she was at breaking point. I recommended her to the same cranial osteopath I had used and her baby was like a different baby after the first session too. This baby was about four months old when she had her first session.

The osteopath told me that there was so much demand for her to see babies who never seem happy and she was easily seeing 4 babies a day amongst her regular adult patients.

Oh OP I really sympathise. I could barely say it out loud but I felt the same. My baby is seven weeks now and I remember around the three week point feeling so dark. Mine had tongue tie too which we had divided, and I was hoping for a miracle but it didn't happen. Did they give you exercises to do? Because the baby needs to learn how to use their jaw and tongue again now, so they can feed effectively. Unfortunately we never really got there and I gave up breastfeeding at six weeks for the sake of my mental health - the relentless expressing was taking me away from my own baby which seemed counterproductive. There isn't much I can say, except that everyone told me it would get easier and I didn't believe them. Even just getting through the night felt like a mountain. But the time really does fly and you will get past this. There have been new challenges, but you will have some better times soon. In the meantime, don't be afraid to share how you feel either on here or with friends. You can feel really lonely otherwise. You will be fine and your baby will too.

OP what was your mode of delivery?
My baby was very unsettled and cried for weeks on end.

We had a forceps delivery, that tore a muscle in his neck, this was missed at his discharge check up and by 2 different GP's. We kept saying in hospital and to the health visitor and the GP's that something wasn't right and we were dismissed

We ended up in A & E, sent by 111 at 8 weeks old, and they diagnosed it. Months of physio followed and he is now a happy 3 year old.

His injury affected latch, his head was stuck to the left, the poor fella couldn't turn his head. Everytime I tried to position him to feed, it was agony for him and I didn't even know. We ended up on bottles, that teamed with physio and we were both much happier.

Take care and be kind to yourself, it is early days and you are both learning together ❤

Congratulations on your little one, and I promise you it does get easier. How are you feeling about breastfeeding in general? I struggled with both babies due to tongue tie (both pre and post snip) and once I’d decided to move onto formula completely, it made a world of difference. Mentally and physically. Also meant DP could get more involved. And I think baby was fuller too and more settled. (Felt so much guilt about it at the time but looking now objectively and without raging hormones, was a totally balanced and sensible decision!)
The first weeks are really really tough. Like nothing you can prepare for! But keep going you’re doing a brilliant job and it does get better.

It sounds like it might be reflux - I would ask your health visitor about that. My baby has been prescribed infant gaviscon to help and it does seem to ease his discomfort a bit.

Congratulations on your new baby. Sounds a bit like me and my second - constantly rooting, wouldn't settle for me at all. I think the worst moment was when I'd been awake all night constantly feeding, cuddling and burping to no success and my husband came to take over for a bit at 4.30am and she instantly fell asleep on him.

Like PP, we moved onto formula - I just couldn't keep up with the relentless breast feeding, expressing, bottle feeding cycle and trying to look after a 2yo as well. It's really tough at the start so you're doing a great job and certainly not alone in finding it hard.

Thanks for your replies. Things felt very black last night.

The problem is OH can’t breastfeed him (obviously!) but also is very quick to give him formula. To be honest oh is the biggest obstruction I have to breastfeeding.

metal your poor baby he was born by emergency section. There are times when he’s just lovely. But yesterday morning (8-3 I’m the afternoon) and thus morning 2-9) just won’t settle. Nit hungry, not dirty, and I was shuddering with sobs.

If he’s taking both bottle and nipple he may be ok with a dummy (mine was very sucky and it made a massive difference). 2 weeks is a bit early.

Reflux or allergy could be an issue if he’s uncomfortable. Drs tend to just advise that the digestive system is still developing unless you really push.

But I promise they change so quickly that in two weeks it could be completely different! Two weeks in is a rough time and you are just getting to know each other. Plus Christmas, lockdown etc
Congratulations and I hope you have some help

@treesinthedark

Thanks for your replies. Things felt very black last night.

The problem is OH can’t breastfeed him (obviously!) but also is very quick to give him formula. To be honest oh is the biggest obstruction I have to breastfeeding.

metal your poor baby he was born by emergency section. There are times when he’s just lovely. But yesterday morning (8-3 I’m the afternoon) and thus morning 2-9) just won’t settle. Nit hungry, not dirty, and I was shuddering with sobs.

Please - especially as he was a c-section baby - go and see a cranio osteopath. It can make an unbelievable amount of difference.

That's tough if your OH isn't supportive of breast feeding. My mum always says that for the first 6 months the mum is there for the baby and the dad is there for the mum. Sexist and old fashioned possibly but also practical. He needs to be supporting you 100%.

Please call a lactation consultant today. Don't struggle on.

Yes I have thanks ... tried SO much.

Have you tried YouTube videos in the meantime? I had 0 support with breastfeeding and my baby had nipple confusion because we were combi feeding like you. The videos helped a lot. Please don't feel bad about combi feeding if that's what you need to do. We did that for about 6 weeks I think and now she's EBF and thriving. It does also sound like reflux or bad wind so you could also try infacol. I used that fairly early on and it helped.

The best advice I got from my health visitor (the one time I saw her) was that sometimes babies cry and that's ok. Please look after yourself you're doing an amazing job.

Have you got a sling? Keeping baby close will keep them calm and also promotes breast feeding. I kept my girl in one all the time as a newborn. Really calmed her down and still BF now at 8.5 months.
I used to sit on the sofa hands free with her snuggled in and sleeping. She would only really come out for feeds and change. X

I do have a sling but it can sometimes agitate him as he smells milk ... sorry I’m not trying to be obstructive here. It feels very rejecting and personal having a baby cry on you

I don't have any specific advise for your situation but I would ask for advice on the UK Breastfeeding Support Facebook page. They were so supportive when I was struggling with my newborn.

Another vote for a cranial osteopath here - DC had a fairly traumatic birth and it really helped him.

If you do want to continue breastfeeding, I'd set yourself up on the sofa and spend a couple of days feeding on demand. Make sure you have snacks and water (lots) available. The more formula you give, the less milk you produce as your body produces on demand. Get your husband to take baby after a feed to give you a break to rest.

I have twins who needed expressed top ups to start with as took a while to get to grips with feeding (tongue tie etc). I used to feed them both, then express (which I'd give after next feed) whilst giving previously expressed top up (your husband could do that), then had a bit of time to rest before next round. We did this every 3 hours to start with, then dropped the top ups once they were feeding better. We didn't use formula as I was able to express but appreciate that's not always possible.

Good luck, it's hard to start with but so much easier than preparing bottles long term.

I have no advice only sympathy. You poor thing. It sounds truly awful.

Remember it will not be this way forever! It feels long at the time, the newborn weeks, but you will get through it. One day at a time and then you'll suddenly realize it's been better for a while and you didn't notice when it changed.

Also I hope bf works out for you but don't beat yourself up if it doesn't. Formula fine too! There are some health advantages to bf but they're fairly minor and only really during infancy.