Big sister being violent towards baby brother

LexyMcG · 2020-12-29T21:03:43+00:00

There is only 17 months between my two children. My daughter is almost 2,5 (in Feb) and my son is 11 months old. DD was always a very independent baby, always happy and kind towards all her friends. We naively believed that she would react well to having a baby brother. The first three months after DS arrival she would hit and scratch him whenever she saw an opportunity. Then it thankfully got a bit better. However, in the last month or so it has quickly become a lot worse again. DS is more mobile and we think that might have something to do with it. She will hit him, push him and kick him. We always keep an eye on them and never leave them alone for even a second but it is impossible to stop her every time as she will go from sweet and kind to hitting him in less time than it takes us to react. We shower her with love and try to show her we understand her frustration. The poor thing obviously has a lot of things she wants so say but lacks the verbal means to do so and I suppose her lashing out on her brother is her way of showing her feelings. The advice that we have been given from our our health advisor is to never shout at her or lose our tempers. No punishments (i.e naughty corner etc.) Unfortunatly, she was very vague on what we should be doing instead. Anyone been in a similar situation and could offer some advice? When does it get better? We are at out wits end here.

LeGrandBleu · 29/12/2020 21:42

Shouting no, but you must find your best stern voice in you and say very clearly " nobody in this house hets or hurts anybody , do you understand ? No hitting, biting or kicking" then turn your back on her and give 10000 times the attention to the poor brother.

You never give attention to the hitter. Always to the victim. You don't send her away but you do grab DS and go with him in another room, or your bed for cuddles and consolation. She will soon learn that the more she hits, the more cuddles the brother will receive.

Kanaloa · 29/12/2020 21:47

I would try to get her to associate kindness with attention. So encourage her to help/be kind to the baby then big massive reaction ‘wow you are a good big sister, you are kind!’

Also every time she hits him point out ‘baby brother is sad, it makes him sad if someone hurts him, poor baby.’ When she is kind to him the opposite ‘baby is happy because you are kind to him.’

I would try to get some time alone with her as well in case maybe she is trying to get attention.

missyB1 · 29/12/2020 21:47

Pp is right. A Stern “no hitting!” Or biting / kicking whatever she’s doing. Then lots of fuss for baby. Whilst you are fussing baby make it clear to dd she’s getting no attention. She must not feel hurting the baby pays off in any way.
But make sure she still gets one on one attention from you at regular intervals.

SkedaddIe · 30/12/2020 00:16

Positive reinforcement like @Kanaloa described and making dd the centre of attention with ds as the admiring audience is definitely a good strategy to bring them together, especially if dd is feeling 'pushed out'.

Eg "wow I really think ds likes your drawing! dd can you show him how you do it".

SkedaddIe · 30/12/2020 00:17

Positive reinforcement like @Kanaloa described and making dd the centre of attention with ds as the admiring audience is definitely a good strategy to bring them together, especially if dd is feeling 'pushed out'.

Eg "wow I really think ds likes your drawing! dd can you show him how you do it".

LeGrandBleu · 30/12/2020 03:12

I am French and live in Australia where I teach French and Ethics and I see a lot of the damage done by an excessive positive parenting. The rates of mental health and anxiety are overwhelming with children constantly needing the praise and reassurance or the "great effort " sticker for crappy work, it makes needy children for what I can see compared to a natural and honest approach to parenting.

You don't constantly blame nor constantly praise. A bad action - and hitting and hurting a sibling is a bad action - will receive a bad comment, a positive action a good comment.
You don't need to be one or the other because life gives both, and an honest parenting will prepare for both.
www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20200703-the-challenges-of-positive-parenting
It drives me nuts when I see children here praised by mother with an excited voice for drinking from a water bottle (good drinking), eating chips (good eating), pushing the crossing button (wow! great pushing), washing hands (good washing) , and so on. So artificial and prone to do some damage .

In France, we praise what deserves praising otherwise the praise loses its value. I love the idea behind the positive parenting but it sounds fake . Parenting doesn't need to have a label. You parent a child teaching the difference between right and wrong and by teaching them about negative emotions as well - and not turning everything and their dog into a positive experience - making them resilient and not fearful of failing.

Eekay · 30/12/2020 05:40

While you shouldn't be going ballistic and scaring the hell out of DD, I do think you should be giving a very stern "no, you don't hurt the baby" as you take him out of her reach to cuddle him.
Positive reinforcement and praise obviously have their place and are important, but when a bigger child is hurting a smaller one you have to react negatively as it's plain wrong and the quicker your DD gets that the better.
Praise and encouragement of good behaviour are so vital but when a child is being violent that's when a sharp No is needed. Some forms of bad behaviour just should not be ignored.

Mylittlepony374 · 30/12/2020 06:09

18 month age gap here. A lot of hitting etc too initially.
I would agree that a stern 'no' and then all the attention on the child who was hit is the way forward.
Giving the oldest "jobs" also helped us. It was her job to get the nappies/wipes when he needed a change, her job to get him clean pjs, her job to find his rattle etc. We set everything up at her level so she could do this. Also see "washing" the dishes for us (making an almighty mess splashing in the sink), "vacuuming"etc. It was like she needed a role now she wasn't the baby. And being the big kid who could help really worked for her.

Schehezarade · 30/12/2020 06:12

Big sister
2.5 years isn't big though. I think the older one can seem 'grown up' compared to the baby but they're still babies as far as control of emotions etc.

Gooseysgirl · 30/12/2020 09:22

Are you getting time on your own with her? I had a similar age gap and tried to make sure that myself and DD had at least one activity per week without baby in tow (usually at weekend when DH would be there to look after DS) Activities ranged from going to the playground for the morning, to going to a caf for a cake etc. 'Hands are not for hitting' is a great book, perfect for her age - all
about how to use hands kindly. Read this regularly and reinforce the message by praising 'kind hands' when she hugs you or touches her brother in a kind way.

Gooseysgirl · 30/12/2020 09:24

Link to the book I just mentioned: Hands are not for hitting

littlestrawby · 30/12/2020 12:56

Lots of great suggestions here but I personally would steer clear of turning your back on her and ignoring her when she has acted out. I think that will only cause damage and increase her frustrations and upset, which will in her mind be linked to her baby brother getting attention. Lots of positive reinforcement, quality one on one time where poss, distraction techniques, and where required a firm 'I will not let you hurt your brother' while putting yourself in between them so she can't get to him. She's so young and has no impulse control at all at the moment but I'm sure things will get better with time

Original poster

LexyMcG · 30/12/2020 18:58

Thank you all for all the great advice! We do say "no" with a stern voice when she hits her brother but we have been a bit lost on what to do afterwards and also on how to prevent this behavior. We don't want her to feel that it is her brother's fault that she is being told off or punished in any way as we are worried that might just make her feel even more angry towards him.

I Will make a list with all the advice I have been given and will make up a new plan! Feeling a bit more hopeful now, thank you!

OP posts:

Gooseysgirl · 30/12/2020 19:29

I promise things will get better! And you're absolutely right in your OP about her not being able to express herself in words contributing to her frustrations. My threenager niece had the most spectacular tantrums at that age, but there was a big improvement when her language started to develop (still has her moments occasionally 😆)

Lolalovesmarmite · 31/12/2020 14:32

I have a 2.10 year old and a 7 month old. When she hits or kicks or bites, I go down to her level and with my best stern voice a very simple “you do not hit”. Then I sit her on the sofa for a minute and ask her to say sorry to the baby. 9 times out of 10 she will then say sorry and be very nice to him. She does understand sorry as she uses it in context elsewhere and will volunteer an apology for other things. She also gets lots of praise for being kind to him when she is. She’s got progressively better and will tell me that she wants to hit or kick him rather than actually doing it l.

SkedaddIe · 31/12/2020 20:47

@LeGrandBleu

I am French and live in Australia where I teach French and Ethics and I see a lot of the damage done by an excessive positive parenting. The rates of mental health and anxiety are overwhelming with children constantly needing the praise and reassurance or the "great effort " sticker for crappy work, it makes needy children for what I can see compared to a natural and honest approach to parenting.

You don't constantly blame nor constantly praise. A bad action - and hitting and hurting a sibling is a bad action - will receive a bad comment, a positive action a good comment.
You don't need to be one or the other because life gives both, and an honest parenting will prepare for both.
www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20200703-the-challenges-of-positive-parenting
It drives me nuts when I see children here praised by mother with an excited voice for drinking from a water bottle (good drinking), eating chips (good eating), pushing the crossing button (wow! great pushing), washing hands (good washing) , and so on. So artificial and prone to do some damage .

In France, we praise what deserves praising otherwise the praise loses its value. I love the idea behind the positive parenting but it sounds fake . Parenting doesn't need to have a label. You parent a child teaching the difference between right and wrong and by teaching them about negative emotions as well - and not turning everything and their dog into a positive experience - making them resilient and not fearful of failing.

Well I'm Ghanaian and I have absolutely no delusions about what the world has in store for my own dd and unambiguously black people like us.

But I stand by my comment that for OP the best way forward is positive reinforcement and creating family roles. This is a strategy in response to a specific issue and ofc it should not be an absolute/dominant parenting philosophy.

Are you actually a parent yourself or is all your knowledge just 'theory'.