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Parenting

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Original poster

Stuck in middle of DP and my parents..

20 replies

keepsmiling2021 · 29/12/2020 15:05

My DS who is 3, I think has a form of autism. He doesn't really understand being sent to his room etc, so I tend to try to reason with him to try to stop tantrums where as DP shouts and sends him to bed etc. He hits when he's mad and lashes out but he is a loving, sensitive boy. My parents look after him while I work. My mum was abused physically and sexually by her father and when DP shouts at DS I think it brings back memories and she can't stand it. It is causes rifts as he feels he can't discipline him in front of them, and I don't stand up for him but that's not the case I just have a different style. We're tier 2 so had Christmas with them and the day just felt so awkward, DP then got drunk and was just a bit of an idiot.
We were due to marry last year but it was cancelled due to COVID and my mums saying she doesn't think I should marry him. I wish she wouldn't say these things. She always said she wishes I had stayed with my first boyfriend from when I was 18, not exactly helpful as he was the one to end things so that kind of comment stings and makes me feel like a fuck up. Any advice please?

OP posts:

Lolalovesmarmite · 29/12/2020 15:58

Honestly, I think you need to listen to your mother.

Shouting at a 3 year old and sending them to their bed is cruel and appalling parenting. If you think your son has autism and your partner still treats him like that, it’s even worse.

Getting drunk on Christmas Day is a bit shitty, but not the end of the world, his treatment of your son however is something that you should be concerned about. You sound very passive in all this, how does your partner treat you?

There’s a saying along the lines of, when someone shows them what they are really like, believe them. Your partner has shown you, it’s up to you what you do about it.

Imiss2019 · 29/12/2020 16:05

I think your mother has a point. I’d be upset witnessing a father emotionally abuse a 3 year old with potential autism. Your poor boy

Original poster

keepsmiling2021 · 29/12/2020 17:00

@Lolalovesmarmite

Honestly, I think you need to listen to your mother.

Shouting at a 3 year old and sending them to their bed is cruel and appalling parenting. If you think your son has autism and your partner still treats him like that, it’s even worse.

There’s a saying along the lines of, when someone shows them what they are really like, believe them. Your partner has shown you, it’s up to you what you do about it.

Thank you. He can be a bit of a bastard to me I'll be honest. He does shout and speak to me disrespectfully at times. I just tend to blame myself. Maybe I deserve to be treated that way as I wind him up, maybe I'm too much of a lax parent.. I don't know x

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nimbuscloud · 29/12/2020 17:03

He can be a bit of a bastard to me I'll be honest. He does shout and speak to me disrespectfully at times.

Do not marry him. And don’t have another baby with him. Listen to your mother.
Do you work?

Branleuse · 29/12/2020 17:03

Why would you shout and send a 3 year old to their room?
I think maybe you need to listen to your mum. She must be worried sick

Littlefish · 29/12/2020 17:04

Why would you even be considering marrying someone who can be 'a bit of a bastard' to you.

Your child is 3, and may have autism. Why on earth are you still with a man who shouts at a child with a disability.

Please, listen to your mum and protect your child and yourself.

Ginfordinner · 29/12/2020 17:05

I'm with your mother on this. He is cruel to your child and horrible to you.

Both of them are red flags. Please do the right thing for your son and get rid.

EggNogPegg · 29/12/2020 17:07

Maybe I deserve to be treated that way as I wind him up, maybe I'm too much of a lax parent..

NO! You do NOT deserve to be treated that way. And nor does your son. Listen to your mum. Please.

notapizzaeater · 29/12/2020 17:08

Has he any redeeming features ?

He's a bully and abusive

Lemonpiano · 29/12/2020 17:09

He's an abusive prick and your son deserves to be protected from him. No wonder the poor child is distressed.

Original poster

keepsmiling2021 · 29/12/2020 17:09

He shouts and sends him to his room if he hits us or doesn't listen after being told. I'm pretty sure he doesn't understand though and all it does is upset him, and mum if she's around. I tend to get hold of him and make him look me in the eyes and get him to explain why he's been hitting and he snaps out of it eventually. DP doesn't seem to think that's good enough though and doesn't seem to have faith in my discipline style - as I don't think it's productive with him.
I work but due to COVID my hours have been cut massively - if we left I would get a bit from the sale of the house but I would have to live with my parents and/or claim some kind of benefits to get by.

OP posts:

Original poster

keepsmiling2021 · 29/12/2020 17:13

@notapizzaeater

Has he any redeeming features ?

He's a bully and abusive

He works hard and does help out with DS - doing baths, mealtimes, that kind of thing. I can go to mum's for days though when we've had arguments and he doesn't bother coming to see him unless I ask.

OP posts:

FrancesHaHa · 29/12/2020 17:14

Your son may have autism. He may also be responding to a father who shouts at him and uses inappropriate punishments. The world may feel very confusing to him.

He also sounds as though he is abusive to you. Blaming yourself for this is very common and I wonder if he makes you feel as though his behaviour is your fault? Please consider getting some support from a local domestic abuse service (can be found on your local council's website but please delete your search history afterwards).

Soontobe60 · 29/12/2020 17:15

You have a DP problem, not a DM one.
At 3, your child is too young to be sent to his room as a punishment - he wont ‘get’ it. When his father yells at him, all he’ll hear is noise, and be scared. He’ll then associate being sent to his room as a scary thing. When young children tantrum, they need to be given space to calm down. Think about it. If you’re angry about something, someone else telling you to calm down will probably do nothing to help and may actually make you worse.
Physically holding a tantruming child is also a bad idea, for the same reason. Let him get the tantrum out of his system, try distraction such as reading his favourite book in his vicinity, or playing with his favourite toy in a calm way.
Mostly, tell yourDP that either he changes his ways or he’s out of the door.

Original poster

keepsmiling2021 · 29/12/2020 17:26

@Soontobe60

You have a DP problem, not a DM one. At 3, your child is too young to be sent to his room as a punishment - he wont ‘get’ it. When his father yells at him, all he’ll hear is noise, and be scared. He’ll then associate being sent to his room as a scary thing. When young children tantrum, they need to be given space to calm down. Think about it. If you’re angry about something, someone else telling you to calm down will probably do nothing to help and may actually make you worse. Physically holding a tantruming child is also a bad idea, for the same reason. Let him get the tantrum out of his system, try distraction such as reading his favourite book in his vicinity, or playing with his favourite toy in a calm way. Mostly, tell yourDP that either he changes his ways or he’s out of the door.

Thank you. His mother lives abroad and I often hear them talking on FaceTime and making me out to be a lax parent - he still has dummies which I know he's a bit old for but she makes me feel terrible about it. I've heard her suggest the naughty step several times. He's much worse after he's been speaking to her or they've been over to stay. It angers me as they as they don't even know him, especially not his ways, they haven't seen him for over a year. I think maybe I need to start standing up for myself more and explaining what you've just said to him. I've tried to leave a few times and end up coming back as I feel like a 32 year old failure and letting everyone down.

OP posts:

nimbuscloud · 29/12/2020 17:28

I've tried to leave a few times and end up coming back as I feel like a 32 year old failure and letting everyone down.

The only people you are letting down are yourself and your 3 year old. Remember that you have choices here - your child has none.

Branleuse · 29/12/2020 17:43

Him and his mum sound like an awful pair. Belittling you. Cooking up ways to punish your toddler.

saraclara · 29/12/2020 17:43

if we left I would get a bit from the sale of the house but I would have to live with my parents and/or claim some kind of benefits to get by.

I think your mum would be delighted to take you in. She must find it agonising to watch the way your DP treats you and your son.

saraclara · 29/12/2020 17:44

...and for goodness' sake don't marry him.

Ginfordinner · 29/12/2020 20:52

Please listen to your mother, and everyone on here and raise your bar. This is not how a normal, functional relationship works. DH and I would never talk to each other like that, nor did he ever shout at DD.

Your partner is an abusive arsehole, and you are worth far more than playing second fiddle to his moods. Why are you settling for someone who treats you and your son like this? It sounds like your self esteem is rock bottom, but if you stay with him it will stay at rock bottom. Try and find some self respect and extricate yourself from this "relationship".

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